Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Questions to Life #4

1. Do we just keep getting more and more freckles as we age? I keep spotting new freckles but don’t notice any missing..

2. Why do farts always smell so much worse in the shower?!

3. Why don’t 4 legged animals run twice as fast as 2 legged animals? Logic kind of tells me that they should..

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4. Do actual pirates like the Pirates of the Caribbean movies or do they find it silly? And do they partake in ‘talk like a pirate’ day? I feel as though if you’re going to the effort of being a pirate for a living you should have some fun with it.. Get a pet bird or whatever.

5. Why does this packet of food say ‘no msg added’? That’s like saying ‘no unicorns added’.. What do I care what’s not in it?!
I’ve noticed it doesn’t inform me that ‘no anthrax’ is added, so should I be worried?

Rambling Goat

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Shower Thought of the Day #6

What’s with over-engineering? I’m sick of my toilet paper having little dimples in the shape of flowers. Or blue swirls printed on it. You cant hide the fact that its about to have shit all over it.

And why does my toothbrush have a grip?! Has anyone ever dropped a toothbrush because it slipped right out of their hand?

Hey big companies, if you’ve gone as far as you can go with a product without it being laughable, move onto the next thing. I’m not going to choose a toothbrush with a tongue scraper over one without. I’m choosing the cheapest option.

Rambling Goat


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Facebook Friends Don’t Count

If you had a party,  would you invite the 300 “friends” you have on facebook?  

Pretty sure the answer from many people out there would be “Uh, no”.

It’s like the number of friends you have on facebook is meant to be some kind of reflection of how popular you are.  Or maybe it’s just laziness and you folks couldn’t be bothered to delete them all?  I don’t know,  but whatever it is I don’t like it.

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I’ll admit,  I used to be one of those with over 200 friends – I would accept the lame asses from school or someone I met one time and give them access to all my private information.  But,  in the past year I have made the executive decision to cull the list of all the people I:

– don’t like
– don’t talk to
– only know by association (just because you went to school with me does not mean you are important to me)
– people who annoy me
– people I haven’t spoken to in years
– anyone who hasn’t met my bf (cos that would definitely me indicative that they don’t care about my life,  so you don’t get access to my awesome whimsical posts and photos).

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I’m sure all those jerks are just your friend on facebook for gossip’s sake,  so why give them that kind of access?

So,  I dare you to go on a facebook cull.

Get your list to 100 or less – because I’m sure there are very few people out there who have meaningful connections with that many people!

 

Nonsense Unicorn


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Phone Sex

Hey Rambling Goat, what did you do last night?
Had phone sex. While on my monthlies. And no tampon. Fuck. Did not expect the night to pan out like that..

Well it started out from a phone call from a fwb on his way home from the pub.
“What are you doing?”
“Watching Jurassic Park, which I’ll have you know is not as lame as I remember it to be..”
“Take your clothes off.”
“Wtf? No chance! Its cold and I’m just sitting here watching TV. Why would I do that?!”

Anyway we had a bit of a normal convo and he starts again..
“Put your hand in your pants. Touch yourself.”

Well I’d given up on the movie at this point anyway and his calm but authoritative tone was preeeeetty hot. But seeing as a couple of times earlier he’d slurred his words I thought this might be setting me up for failure.
“But you’re drunk and I’ve only had one beer. What happens if you ring me tomorrow and say ‘sorry for being so drunk, that was embarrassing’ and I respond with ‘uhhh yeah, well I was sober, so I don’t have any excuse..”

“Cmon, I’m home now, and I’m not drunk. Do it. I’m dropping my pants.”

Nek minute I’m orgasming over the phone, and then he does (mighty mighty hot by the way) and then he swears and tells me he accidently jizzed on his jumper, which I find hilariously amusing.
“Yeah well I might have to change my underwear..”
“Oh my god. Send me a pic.”

Well probably shouldn’t have said that. I haven’t even looked but logic says that I do not want to take a pic of my underwear. And I’m definitely not going to tell him why, I feel that’s going to be a definite mood killer.

Then the thought dawns on me that he may have somehow recorded our convo. He assured me he didn’t and wouldn’t even know how to. *phew!*

We say goodnight, he wants to keep talking but we’d been on the phone for an hour and I was tired, so we ended the call. A couple of mins later I get a msg. I open it and its a photo of his jumper stain bahahaha!

So yep, totally ticked that off, albeit in true shamelessly disgusting Rambling Goat fashion. And I’m updating the sucket list now because for some reason it wasn’t on there :O

Rambling Goat


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Jobs I’d rather not do

There’s plenty of under acknowledged, hard working citizens out there every day doing jobs I couldn’t bring myself to do. I thought as a sign of respect for those in these positions, I’d mention a few. Maybe when we’re having a real shitty day at work, we can quit whining and just be a bit more appreciative that some people put up with bad situations that we couldn’t handle.

*Sewerage officer – just working around that stench would be enough to turn my stomach, but the constant fear of splash back and having to clean off a myriad of weird and wonderfully disgusting objects from the grate would be awful.

*Tip worker – again, the stench! They say you get used to it and yeah I worked at one for 3 days and you really do, but that’s the worst part. YOU get used to it, but don’t even think about going down to the shops after work because people can smell you from a mile away.

*Garbage guys – yeah I know the truck has a claw and what not but you’re still in a truck full of stinky rubbish and bin-juice.

*Furniture removalist – carrying awkward heavy objects down skinny flights of stairs would be a bitch to say the least.

*Working with the mentally ill – yeah ok someone with multiple personality disorder could interest me to no end, but the rest would be tough. I once had a mentally ill lady spit at my feet when I worked as a gardener in the city. Another time she spotted me and yelled that me and my coworker were racist as we walked down a path. She didn’t seem to be of another race and we weren’t even talking. Another mentally ill guy there loved boxing, with his imaginary competitor. Which is fine until his imaginary competitor gets too close to a group of picnickers.

*Hooker – disabled people. The elderly. The morbidly obese. The derogatory. Girls (and boys), I have so much respect. Really.

*Dominatrix – weeing in someone’s mouth. Nope, couldn’t do it. I can barely wee with someone standing outside the door! I guess these girls have good control of their stage fright.

*Maternity nurse – not so bad? I once flicked over onto a doco right as they showed a babies head coming out. Noooooooope. I would never want to see that again. I’m still scarred. I’m not exactly a baby person so I guess that doesn’t help the situation. Oh and I kept flicking channels (after swallowing my own vomit that appeared in the back of my neck) and somehow it was on a different channel too and now it was showing a caesarean birth. I thought they cut 3 lines and opened it like a door. Nope. Its the same as out of a vagina, except out of a hole in your stomach area, akin to a sci-fi movie. Probably shouldn’t have watched tv that day. And yeah, seeing that all day everyday would give me nightmares and I might unintentionally vom on a few newborns. Think I’m a weakling? Guess what, you’d see dead babies too. Yep, you’d have to be pretty mentally strong to handle this job.

*Prison officer – everyday in the back of your mind you’re thinking you could possibly get shanked in the face by a sharpened pen lid. And you’re not really allowed to make friends with the prisoners so its not even like you could protect yourself through psychological means. Fuck. That.

*Armaguard truck driver – you’re driving around with a truck full of money. I’ve played GTA enough to know that’s bad.

*Abattoir worker – holy fucking shit, this would be indescribably bad. I’m already unable to kill a mosquito without feeling guilty thanks to being Buddhist so this would ruin me. I’d be in a corner in a foetal position rocking back and forth. Awesome news though, they’ve made the first meat patty in a lab! Heck to the yes I’ll be eating that when it eventually comes to fruition as a viable food product. And no, I’m not vegetarian. Which is why I respect the abattoir workers who deliver the supermarkets meat without us having to truly comprehend the psychological capabilities it took to get them there.

Can you think of any more?

Rambling Goat


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How to find a Boyfriend

Some people make out that being single is worse than being a leper in a bubble bath.  I get that being in a relationship has its perks, havin that “partner in crime” to share stuff with –  but I feel that people forget that being a single  lone ninja has just as many perks!

So,  here are a few thoughts for those of you out there who just can’t be happy with your single self!

There’s more to you than being someone’s partner

Don’t define yourself by someone else – you are an individual and should cherish the fact.  Besides,  would you want to be with someone who just obsesses about your relationship?  No,  I’m sure you would rather be with someone who is an awesomely entertaining individual who you love being around,  not a pubic lice that exists merely to be attached to you.

So,  stop being that obsessive person who “isn’t whole until you have a partner” – make yourself whole and then a partner in the future would just be a bonus!

Stop obsessing over your ex

If you’re still talking about your ex,  what they’re doing,  how much of a jerk they are, stalking their facebook and having secret fantasies of them crawling back to you – you shouldn’t be looking for another person to complicate your already confused mind.

Give yourself time to get over your ex – go eat some ice cream,  get hella drunk and be angry at the world – whatever floats your boat.  A rebound isn’t going to fix your problems.

Besides,  it’s not a particularly attractive trait to someone else if all you can talk about is “how bad your ex treated you”.  People smell the desperation – do don’t go out on the game until that ex is out of your system.

It happens when you’re not looking for it

That sounds so horrendously cliche,  does it not?  But you know what,  I think a lot of cliches have truths in them and that’s why everybody knows it – they just don’t practice what they know to be true.

I think this is totally how it goes, because when you’re not desperately sniffing out for some poon/wang, that’s when you surrender to being yourself.  Confident,  because you’re not trying to impress anyone,  you’re just having a good time.

And confidence is sexy and attractive.

Dang,  I have found my best hook ups and relationships on the nights when I went out just to have a good time,  not thinking ONCE about trying to meet someone.  Gosh,  one night I was dressed up as a dog and managed to pick up – why? Cos I was just running around like an idiot having a good time,  and that guy saw the fun person I can be.

Patience is a virtue,  friends.  If you try and rush everything,  you end up with gross, runny half-baked pancakes and ain’t nobody wanna eat that!

You reek of desperation

People are much more receptive than you give them credit for.  Do you ever get the vibe from a friend or family member when they’re upset or sad,  and they haven’t even said anything to you about it?  It’s because humans have this weird way of being able to sense emotions and feelings from other people.

So,  other people can totally sense when you’re there salivating at the prospect of meeting your future husband.  It’s a repellant.  Just have a good time!

 

There are so many awesome things about being single anyway!

  • Food is so much cheaper cos you only have to cook for one. Boom!
  • You can sit at home in your onesie eating KFC while playing GTA without feeling self conscious.
  • You save a lot of money due to the fact you can shave your legs quarterly.
  • You have way more time to do the things you want to do, like hobbies and all that kinda stuff.

And a heap of other stuff that I couldn’t be bothered to write about it and now have to go out to dinner so something something embrace your singleness!  You’re an individual – start that relationship with yourself!

 

Nonsense Unicorn


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I’m a Proud Slut

I guess people normally define slut as some girl who goes from dick to dick with no real self worth. Some might say she dresses provocatively, some might say she has issues at home.

Well I’m changing that. I’m using the word slut to mean someone who enjoys sex. Why? I’m sick of people using it as a negative way to describe women. And just like shit and fuck, if you say something enough times, it loses its power. So I’m putting slut on the list.

I’m a proud slut. I love sex. But I also have the ability to turn down sex, have abundant self worth and confidence, and smile. No, I don’t wear short dresses and sky high heels, a slut doesn’t need a uniform. I wear colourful jeans, sneakers, have a beer in my hand and laugh a lot.

I originally thought that the type of guys that went around calling girls ‘sluts’ in a derogatory way was ironically funny, because they’re the only kind of girls these idiots can get. But I’ve since learnt two things;

1. That a lot of nice men use this word also, just not to a girls face. They might say ‘she’s nice but she’s a bit slutty’ or ‘A cheated on B, what a slut’.
The hulk (an ex/friend of mine if you’re a new reader) described one of his ex’s to me along those lines saying ‘she cheated on me – what a slut’ and I had to correct him. “Just because she loves sex doesn’t mean you can blame that for the reason she cheated. I know plenty of women who love sex and don’t cheat. Blame her as a person if you must, but don’t blame her love of sex. There was obviously a lot of moral boundaries she had to cross first so that’s where you should be directing your attention.”

2. Women say it too! We should keep saying it but make sure we use it for the right meaning – its a positive not a negative in my eyes!

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3. A lot of men not only lost their virginity to a slut, but often have sex with these so called sluts. So sluts are building people’s sexual confidence, only to have this be somehow used as a negative back at them.
If you don’t like to have sex with a sex-loving girl, then go have sex with a virgin. And enjoy that bleeding starfish. Or find a girl used to pleasing men and not have it reciprocated (don’t worry, there’s PLENTY of women who can identify with this. Whether or not they want to keep doing it is another story..).
If you do love sluts, then enjoy it, but don’t complain after the fact. It takes 2 to tango and you chose to be involved.

If you think she’s ‘loose’ and its affecting your ability to cum, guess what buddy, its not all about you. Us women are unsatisfied a LOT of the time and don’t complain, so shut up and take one for the team. Or maybe she’s not loose and you actually have a small dick. Just saying..
If you’re disappointed because you ‘thought she’d be good and she wasn’t’, again, it takes 2 to tango so you can half blame yourself for that snorefest. Tie her up, take her out in the yard, try different positions, but don’t just poke-poke-spooge then blame her. Also realise that we can go from drunk and horny to drunk passed out starfish in the blink of an eye, so if you’re giving her tequila shots to get in her pants, calm the fuck down or deal with the consequences.

I guess one problem being a slut is that the orgasm ratio is swayed in men’s favour. Girls are good to other girls, most men are not. There’s a few of you lovely gems out there that love and worship the female form and are generous in your orgasm giving, and for that we thank you. We’re happy to be your partner, fwb (friend with benefits), or random booty call recipient.

For the rest of you, consider this. Men get an orgasm let’s say 95% of the time. I’ll give you a 5% ‘too drunk to cum’ leeway. Now some women are luckier than others in their averages and I guess the older (more numbers to sway your average) and more confident you get in speaking up, this may all change. But I’m going to go ahead and estimate that 50% of my sexual interactions, I did not orgasm. Yeah, I can’t entirely blame men, and I should and do sort myself out if he hasn’t already (thank you cunnilingus fans!), but sometimes I’m just about to cum and the guy does first. Then pulls out and rolls over. What. The. Shit. Or sometimes its a position where I can’t actually play with myself mid-sex.

Yeah, there was that one time an ex thought it’d be funny to see how many times he could make me cum in a row and 22 orgasms later I couldn’t move my legs, but I refuse to include that to sway my percentage. One awesome night of sex shouldn’t discount the vast array of terrible and very quick poke poke spooge sex I’ve had. I’m not a walking fleshlight dammit!

Now think about this. How often does a man give oral to a woman without expecting oral in return or penetrable sex to follow? Never? Its laughable to even consider. Yet we do it all the time. Fortunately through blogging I’ve discovered some lovely male cucks and subs who do this all the time. I bow down with respect to you boys.

I thought I’d bring the question up with a couple of fwbs. “Have you given oral to a girl and not only *not* received any oral back but also not followed up with sex? Just given a girl oral and left it at that?” Both said “probably”. I’m pretty sure you would remember something like that. One of them I was meant to see that week, so I told him “Friday night is vagina night, where I get attention and you get nothing.” He was a good sport, but I’m sad to say this isn’t common. And further probing resulting in him admitting to never doing that before. I doubt the other one could have handled it to be honest.

So yes, I’m calling myself a slut because I love sex but no, it hasn’t always been great or fair. So today, this slut is stopping that. I’m not getting all feminist on you, but I do believe in equality and I also believe that life is what you make it.

I will be orgasming 95% of the time from now on. Greedy? Nope, I’m just getting things back to equal. And if you don’t sort it out for me, then I will. Or my vibrator will. While you watch. Because watching a girl orgasm is awesome. And you obviously need a reminder because you seem to have forgotten.

Girls, love sex! Enjoy yourself and if it gets boring, make it fun. I got bored during one night with a fwb (to be fair he was breaking my record of number of roots in 24 hrs – we got to 10), and ended up introducing a lollipop to my giney while ‘sex and candy’ was playing. It turned him on AND I got a lollipop out of it, score! Hahaha.

If you’re stuck in a monotony rut, or are single and hearing your friends hilarious stories but feeling boring in comparison, have a look at the sucket list we made, it might spur the inner deviant on.

If you’re single with no fwbs and/or have a while between roots, wank! Seriously I know guys already do it everyday but girls, if you don’t use it you lose it. It keeps the libido alive. Make friends with your vibrator. Sometimes I do it because I haven’t in a few days. And if I didn’t I know I’d end up not being all that interested in sex convos, taking cheeky pics, dirty text msgs or even sex at all to an extent. This is going to sound awful but I’ve even done it next to a sleeping partner before. A few times. Because I’m tired and CBF going through with the whole time-consuming act in the middle of the night.

So I challenge you to make it one of the chores you do every week if you haven’t already and haven’t had sex. Excuse yourself for some ‘me’ time and read some erotic stories or watch porn. Or send a cheeky text, more often than not you’ll get a cheeky one back. If nothing else, it’s exercise where you get a niiiice reward. And at best, you ooze (sorry!) sexual confidence and walk around with a grin and a twinkle in your eye..

Next time you hear someone use slut as a negative term, argue the point. How is loving sex a bad thing? And if she’s getting a lot of sex then power to her! Go girl! I personally don’t see the difference between a girl in a relationship having sex once a week and a single girl getting sex once a week. Even if its with different people, it’s the same amount of vagina use. Yeah there’s the std risk, but guys refusing to wear condoms is a whole different avenue and is a story for another day. I’ll sum it up to: wear one and you’ll be fine.

So girls, embrace your inner slut, she’ll thank you for it 😀 Guys, love and appreciate sluts, without us you’d be dating your hand 😉 and if you feel like you’ve been orgasm greedy in the past, give us a pure and simple vagina night every once in a while. We’ll be shocked but you’ll get lottttsss of brownie points!

Rambling Goat