Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

It’s not him, it’s you


There seems to be a lot of bad sex going around these parts. Terrible kissing, short peenies and bad fingering. Reading all these stories, I can’t help but think that a lot of these issues can be fixed!

The Small Peeny
I guess I’m a believe in the “quality not quantity” philosophy of penis size. In my time around the block and back again, I have actually had a better time with the smaller frankfurts than some of the bigger sausages (except for one terrible sailor, but that’s another story).

It’s kinda like “glass half empty/ glass half full…

If you go in there and already get in your head that small peeny = bad sex, then it’s probably gonna manifest because, we all know as girls that if your mind ain’t in it then it’s probably not gonna happen!

Solution: think of that smaller peeny as a possible pocket rocket of awesome!

The ol’ poke poke spooge
I guess at some point we all have that experience of feeling like a human blow up doll, just a hole for the guy to poke in an do his business. Sometimes this can be good when you’re feeling too lazy to do anything an the starfish is the way to go, but I guess (especially for casual sexy times) this isn’t always the case.

Solution: don’t be a starfish an take control! If you don’t want to be poked like a puppy in a pet store window, flip that sob over and sit on his face!

The one that has no idea what they’re doing
Fingering too hard? Slobbering on your face like a camel? Spanked you so hard you wanted to cry?

Rather than bite your tongue and let them finger bang you like an empty tub of Nutella, or tell you stories of how they “wanna f@&$ you in the butt and then make you lick your own shit off their dick” (true story, my friends) – speak up!

Solution: guide that fumbly joe and tell them what you want! See, I sometimes like to see men as dogs who will slobber all over your face and hump your leg until you TRAIN them to be a good boy.

I know this can sound a bit scary to some, man I’m the first to admit that sometimes I just wanna be dominated and just take pleasure – but you’re not gonna get what you want if you don’t tell them!

It’s like going to a restaurant and asking for “food”, then getting upset at what you get. If you did that in real life, I’m sure the waiter would look at you like a dumb shit and make you pick something from the menu.

So, same principle for guys – they can’t read your mind, so they’re just on a guess what you like and do it – unless you tell them otherwise!

It can be as simple as a “harder/ faster”,  or “hows about you pretend my poonani is a notebook and your tongue is a pen – now write the alphabet!”.

Or even, “yeah, let’s try this….”



So there you have it,  some relatively simple ways of turning that lamebo your sexing into a rainbow pleasure dome!


Nonsense Unicorn



Author: nonsenseunicorn

Just another twenty-something year old making sense out of madness. Boom.

7 thoughts on “It’s not him, it’s you

  1. Reblogged this on Cuckold Fantasies and commented:
    A fantastic article. More women (and men) should read this imo.

  2. Reblogged for aweomeness. A great read.

  3. Man, fuck that shit. I don’t have time to train people. Besides, with all the porn (and even if we’re discounting porn, all the sexual tips and advice columns, for fuck’s sake) out there, it really shouldn’t be THAT hard to figure out what a woman enjoys. I mean, at least a little bit, just so it’s not literally THE worst sex ever. I look at it more as going into a restaurant, ordering “food,” and having the waiter happily bounce off and bring me a glass of water. Umm… Ain’t no one got time for that.

    • Aww I don’t know about using porn as a guide – if anything that’s probably the potboiler with guys that think chicks are just wooden boards to be nailed!

      • Fair enough, though I think if the guy watching the porn is at all perceptive he’ll be able to tell which moves women actually enjoy and which ones make them lay there like dead fish, haha. And if he’s not, well, that’s probably the issue.

    • I’ve found speaking up about what I want/like (even before hand in racy text msgs) does help but not with all. Some guys just can’t be helped. They might do all the surprise sexy groundwork like undress you with their teeth, tie you up, tease you till you’re gagging for it but then just poke poke spooge in 2 mins, roll over and sleep. And you’re all like ‘motherfucker WHAAAT!?’

      So there’s definitely guys that want to learn/please, but there’s also those who have no idea and don’t seem to care. Maybe they’re oblivious or just after pleasing themselves and that’s it. Either which way its not helping them in the long run cos they won’t find someone who will stick around for another root!

      I love a guy who worships the female body, they could eat you for breakfast lunch and dinner haha! They’re the ones who will want to do everything they can to please you. You might be surprised but you can turn a dud root into one of these, but you’ve got to recognise potential! They might be interested but have no idea what theyre doing. Or maybe theyre great at sex but dont last very long or dont ever mix up positions. So you have to be bothered to work on it. Bit time consuming (although you’re still getting roots in the meanwhile) but sometimes that’s a better option than standing around waiting for an awesome one to come along. Seems its hard enough to find a regular fuck buddy, let alone a good one!

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