Whats worse than bad shit happening to you once? Bad shit happening twice.
So I was thinking the other day that a lot of the time bad stuff happens to me twice. I guess once wasn’t entertaining enough, so life throws that situation at me again. Mmmm fun!
Here’s some of those treasures:
*I’ve been bitten by a snake twice. Ok stop thinking I’m a hardcore Aussie bush ranger, they were both pets, and no they weren’t poisonous. One was my ex’s and I had just touched bacon then tried to pick it up – I guess it likes the smell of pig. Probably should have washed my hands. The second was my own snake which I tried to grab from behind a rock in his tank and then accidently poked on the head. Turns out he doesn’t like that.
*I’ve written off 2 cars, one of which was my partner at the times car, whoops! And both were at stop signs, one I didn’t stop at, my bad, but the second one I did, I swear. Its just that at some point you have to go. And it was a blind corner. Both times my car was a mangled wreck and their cars had a small scratch on them. And my car insurance only covered their damage not mine. The next car I learnt my lesson, got it fully insured, then it didn’t pass rego and ended up at the wreckers. Typical of my life.
*It doesn’t sound bad in theory, but hiccups while you’re trying to poop is very bad. Consider that roughly every 8 seconds your body sucks air in, and let’s just say that this makes expelling stuff very difficult. This has happened to me twice and both times were in the last year. Avoid this at all costs if you can!
*Ive been pee’d on twice. Not as some sex fetish thing, I was actually asleep and my alcoholic bf at the time pissed his pants. And then blamed me. One of the times I knew he had a new case of beer and had had 3 beers out of it before I’d gone to bed, (and I had 2) so I checked in the morning and there were 2 left. Which means he had 17 beers while just watching TV. No wonder he pissed his pants.
*I’ve had 2 ‘home job’ tats courtesy of a friend of ol’ piss-pants. Luckily only 1 of the 2 needed a little bit of fixing up by a professional so 50% success rate for a new tattooist isn’t *too* bad. I guess the lure of a half price tat without having to go anywhere is stronger than my logic.
*I’ve had 2 pets eaten by wild animals. One was a fox grabbing one of my chooks right in front of me. I could hear it sqwarking in the fox’s mouth as it ran away. The other was a 3 metre python eating my rabbit. We had a playpen type thing on the grass and the snake got in, ate it, then couldn’t escape. The snake man (guy you ring up to remove snakes) loved it, he was holding it around his shoulders. He asked me if I wanted to hold it. I was in my early teens and could see the bump of my rabbit in its stomach. I was mortified. Who would predict that I would end up getting my own snake? Haha
*I’ve twice had the displeasure of having my dog lick me on the eyeball. You would think I’d see it coming. I have the reflexes of a (dead) cat.
*Ok lucky last. I’ve twice caught a leech verrry close to my groin. One of the times I was working on a flower farm at the time and felt the classic slime of a leech up my leg. So I dropped my dacks in the middle of the field. Hello boys! Glad I didn’t have period-time grundies on that day. The second time was recently and I had short shorts on so stuck my hand up a pant leg to pull it off. Pretty sure it looked like I was itching my vag, and my mum saw, but from a distance where I couldn’t explain what I was doing. Oh well.
Moral of the story? Shit happens. Sometimes twice.