I went to the bathroom this morning for a wee. I live on my own and I was planning to be quick so left the door open.
Nek minute, its a crap and one of my dogs has run into the bathroom full pelt and JUMPED ON MY LAP! Honestly life, you really love to surprise me each day don’t you?
Anyway I feel like I talk about shitting far too much on here so let’s just get it all out in a list I like to call ‘Shit stuff to happen while you’re shitting’;
1. I know I’ve mentioned this before but what happens if your house gets a black-out and its night time? Think about it.
2. Earthquake. I mean cmon, there’s been so many earthquakes that its bound to happen to people. You don’t get any warning with earthquakes. What happens if you get crushed and your pants are down and they pull you out of the rubble and are all ‘wtf’ cos your junk in hanging out. Legit dilemma.
3. Dog jumps on your lap – turns out that’s pretty awkward.
4. Well on the whole pet theme here, I used to have a cat that would open the door, slink on in and then do figure 8’s around my legs mid crap. That’s also pretty awkward. Should have told it how to close the door behind it at least..
5. Well I guess someone walking in on you isn’t the most fun thing I can think of so let’s add that. I’ve drunkenly walked in on someone on purpose. The convo went something like ‘what are you doing in there?’ ‘Shitting!’ ‘Prove it.’ He wasn’t lying.
6. Well a couple of months ago I had a spider living in my bathroom. It was chilling out on the ceiling so I didn’t worry but one day I grabbed my towel after a shower and it was hiding under it. No issue there except this had happened to me twice and it was no tiny spider. Then it disappeared for a couple of days. I don’t mind spiders normally, but when its big, black and hairy and now recently discovered next to the cistern while I’m sitting on the toilet mid-crap then we’ve got issues. I finish and flush, look to where it was and fuck me, its gone. A lot of prancing, screaming and shirt-removing took place (this is becoming normal for me *sigh*). So let’s just say spiders + crapping = bad.
7. Well he wasn’t actually shitting *yet* but when we were younger my brother went to the bathroom to shit and STOOD ON A SNAKES HEAD! Good ol’ Australia. We lived right on a national park and it was enjoying lying on the tiles in the bathroom. Turns out it was a deadly one and luckily he didn’t get bitten. Instead he and I ran and jumped on the couches squealing and mum called the police. Hahaha apparently there’s a ‘snake man’ who comes to take the snake away and we got to know him quite well over the years.
8. Well it may not affect anyone else as much as me but as mentioned in a previous post, having a giant grasshopper on you and then discovering it mid-crap is pretty freakin awful. Let’s just go with any sort of animal you have a phobia of. It really is the last thing you want to discover in that bathroom with you.
9. To go back to non-animal issues, I’m thinking what happens if water starts coming out the toilet?! While you’re on it? I went to Scotland one Xmas where the temperature got to -14 and the pipes froze. A bunch of Aussies wondering why it wasn’t flushing decided someone must have blocked it. Out comes the plunger and after working out it wasn’t blocked (and there was shit now coming out of the shower drain hole) I’ve decided a mix of shit and water coming upwards instead of downwards is very bad.
10. Everyone’s had this happen. You’re sitting on the toilet, having a casual poo, and someone knocks on the door. Or the phone rings. Or your friends turn up yelling ‘hellooo? Where are you??’. That serenity dies and you’re pooing in a one man race against the clock.
Well I’ve learnt one thing in life. Unless you have a butler, live-in animal wrangler, several locks and a natural disaster alert on your phone, then shits gonna happen. I once had a friend poo while camping (actually we were travelling around Europe, had a hire car which we were sleeping in cos we had no money aaand were lost one night) and she came back with a mortified look on her face. When a butch lesbian tells you shitting in the bushes makes you ‘feel like a dog’ and ‘needs to get drunk or ill actually cry about this’ then I’m going to enjoy the few good shits I have in life.
Happy craps folks!