Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

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Shut your Whore Mouth

Here’s a quick tip to awesomeness – don’t make gross noises with your mouth.

Sounds easy, right?  Well,  you would be sadly mistaken with that assumption, as there is a surprisingly large amount of disgusting grot-masters out there that have the inability to possess mouth discretion.

This includes:

  • Loud kissing.  Another person’s face is not a lollipop so stop sucking off like it is.  No one likes a slobbery face anyway,  so why make disgusting smooching noises?
  • Weird ass snorting throat noises.  What the hell is that disgusting noise that sounds like a suffocating duck?  Itchy throat or something?  Have a drink or something and pipe the fuck down.
  • LOUD EATING.  This encapsulates slurping, crunching, slopping and slapping of the mouth while eating.  THIS MAKES ME WANT TO VOM.  I hung out with a loser for years who made disgusting slurping nom nom noises when eating,  and I swear he never noticed, but I literally could not finish my meal when eating with him (unless if we were in a loud restaurant so I couldn’t hear it and look elsewhere).  But seriously, CLOSE YOUR DISGUSTING MOUTH.

Why is it so hard for people to close their damn mouths?

So there you have it – a simple way to earn another notch up the awesome ladder of rainbows.


Nonsense Unicorn



Hottest Accent

Is there any accent hotter on a man than the Scottish accent?!?! SHUT UP its a rhetorical question. And if it was an actual question the answer is no.

They sound like a slurring drunk sucking down scotch at the local pub while wearing a kilt. Granted, I have no idea what they’re saying but does it matter? And while I’m on the subject of kilts, they do get extra brownie points for making the hairy leg/skirt combo very fucking sexy. I don’t care what you’re saying boys, just keep talking and show me what’s under your kilt.

Weirdly enough I used to work with a Scottish guy. That in itself isn’t too weird but HIS NAME WAS SCOTT. Sounds fake right? Yeeeah I thought so too. Its like calling your Australian kid ‘Ozzie’.  But I put aside my thoughts that he was probably a murderer on the run (who wasn’t very inventive when we asked his name), because of his delightful accent. You can’t be a crim with an accent like that!

In conclusion, kilted boys for the win!

Rambling Goat

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Shit stuff to happen while you’re shitting

I went to the bathroom this morning for a wee. I live on my own and I was planning to be quick so left the door open.

Nek minute, its a crap and one of my dogs has run into the bathroom full pelt and JUMPED ON MY LAP! Honestly life, you really love to surprise me each day don’t you?

Anyway I feel like I talk about shitting far too much on here so let’s just get it all out in a list I like to call ‘Shit stuff to happen while you’re shitting’;

1. I know I’ve mentioned this before but what happens if your house gets a black-out and its night time? Think about it.

2. Earthquake. I mean cmon, there’s been so many earthquakes that its bound to happen to people. You don’t get any warning with earthquakes. What happens if you get crushed and your pants are down and they pull you out of the rubble and are all ‘wtf’ cos your junk in hanging out. Legit dilemma.

3. Dog jumps on your lap – turns out that’s pretty awkward.

4. Well on the whole pet theme here, I used to have a cat that would open the door, slink on in and then do figure 8’s around my legs mid crap. That’s also pretty awkward. Should have told it how to close the door behind it at least..

5. Well I guess someone walking in on you isn’t the most fun thing I can think of so let’s add that. I’ve drunkenly walked in on someone on purpose. The convo went something like ‘what are you doing in there?’ ‘Shitting!’ ‘Prove it.’ He wasn’t lying.

6. Well a couple of months ago I had a spider living in my bathroom. It was chilling out on the ceiling so I didn’t worry but one day I grabbed my towel after a shower and it was hiding under it. No issue there except this had happened to me twice and it was no tiny spider. Then it disappeared for a couple of days. I don’t mind spiders normally, but when its big, black and hairy and now recently discovered next to the cistern while I’m sitting on the toilet mid-crap then we’ve got issues. I finish and flush, look to where it was and fuck me, its gone. A lot of prancing, screaming and shirt-removing took place (this is becoming normal for me *sigh*). So let’s just say spiders + crapping = bad.

7. Well he wasn’t actually shitting *yet* but when we were younger my brother went to the bathroom to shit and STOOD ON A SNAKES HEAD! Good ol’ Australia. We lived right on a national park and it was enjoying lying on the tiles in the bathroom. Turns out it was a deadly one and luckily he didn’t get bitten. Instead he and I ran and jumped on the couches squealing and mum called the police. Hahaha apparently there’s a ‘snake man’ who comes to take the snake away and we got to know him quite well over the years.

8. Well it may not affect anyone else as much as me but as mentioned in a previous post, having a giant grasshopper on you and then discovering it mid-crap is pretty freakin awful. Let’s just go with any sort of animal you have a phobia of. It really is the last thing you want to discover in that bathroom with you.

9. To go back to non-animal issues, I’m thinking what happens if water starts coming out the toilet?! While you’re on it? I went to Scotland one Xmas where the temperature got to -14 and the pipes froze. A bunch of Aussies wondering why it wasn’t flushing decided someone must have blocked it. Out comes the plunger and after working out it wasn’t blocked (and there was shit now coming out of the shower drain hole) I’ve decided a mix of shit and water coming upwards instead of downwards is very bad.

10. Everyone’s had this happen. You’re sitting on the toilet, having a casual poo, and someone knocks on the door. Or the phone rings. Or your friends turn up yelling ‘hellooo? Where are you??’. That serenity dies and you’re pooing in a one man race against the clock.

Well I’ve learnt one thing in life. Unless you have a butler, live-in animal wrangler, several locks and a natural disaster alert on your phone, then shits gonna happen. I once had a friend poo while camping (actually we were travelling around Europe, had a hire car which we were sleeping in cos we had no money aaand were lost one night) and she came back with a mortified look on her face. When a butch lesbian tells you shitting in the bushes makes you ‘feel like a dog’ and ‘needs to get drunk or ill actually cry about this’ then I’m going to enjoy the few good shits I have in life.

Happy craps folks!

Rambling Goat

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Wait, what was your name?!

I like to think I’m pretty down to earth. But I’ve just discovered a superficiality flaw in my life. And that’s peoples names.

I’m sure Roger is a lovely person but could I date him? Hmm… Or Dwain is pulling the moves on me but am I going home with him? Uhh.. Reuben is trying to kiss me..

I’m so sorry boys, but it seems to be an issue for me. And stupidly on the flip side, girls can do no wrong in my eyes. She could be called Lady Dickface and I wouldn’t care. Although Brit *could* be an issue seeing as every time I hear it I think of Bret from Flight of the Conchords (with a New Zealand accent). If you haven’t watched it before, go check it out. Although you might end up with this hilarious Brett/Brit association too.. Sorry about that.

Don’t ask me how my brain works, I’m pretty disappointed with it though. Especially when one of my ex’s sisters is dating a guy with the same name as his. Power to you girl! I wouldn’t even kiss a guy with my brothers name.

My first kiss was with a boy with my dads name but maybe that’s what scarred me. He was younger than me but a bad boy rebel who stole some other kids bike to ride over and see us girls. It sunk in after the kiss that stealing someone else’s bike was fucked and I quickly got over that idiot.

I still go for bad boys though.. Dammit, the lure of rebel is too strong and the stench of not giving a fuck is sexy. I’m sorry nice guys, you’re not dirty enough for me! You’ve got to have a bit of dirt in you or you’re going to get the ‘friend’ label over and over again. And if you’re called Rene then you might need to be even more badass to make up for it..

I’m sorry to those in the past and future who get rejected by me because of your names. I’m going to try and work my way around it by giving you nicknames that probably won’t be in any way close to or relevant to you or your name.  Like ‘crow’. Or ‘gravy’. Just go with it.

Rambling Goat

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Totes Using You

More often than not, women get used by men. Yep, they like our vag holes more than our company. Turns out when im single, I have some sick fetish to balance out life for us all and do the opposite, I’m the user. Well to be fair, I guess any 2 willing bodies wanting sex is using eachother, but I honestly don’t care where they work and I don’t want to hear their stories about their friends who went to *insert boring country here*. I don’t want to date them so what does it matter? The more I know, the less interested I am. My vagina controls my brain, not the other way around.

A few years after I’d lost my v cards to my first boyfriend, I saw him out one night. He was wearing a full pink outfit and a pink feather boa as some sort of fancy dress. And dancing very girly on the d-floor. I found this hilariously ironic seeing as he had broken up with me for liking women (and thought I would end up dumping him for a girl). I guess he didn’t encourage this idea to use to his own advantage aka a 3some. 

Point of the story is, I went to see him shortly after that and used him. And then left. I don’t need to stick around for small talk and cuddles. He chased me out onto the street and yelled ‘did you just use me?!’ Yep. I did.

And now he’s married and is wanting me to use him over and over again. Which I would happily partake in, except for the fact that I don’t want to be stabbed by a psychotic wife. Bitches be Cray Cray.

Rambling Goat

Update: I’ve decided I’m not going to get stabbed. Fuck it. The vagina can’t say no to that guy. And luckily he now lives in another state so it won’t be often enough to arouse suspicion. Boom. Vagina wins over brain once again!

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Hairy Arms

Hey everyone, I have hairy arms. And guess what? I refuse to shave them (or wax, nair, pluck, or laser). And anyone who plans to judge me right now can go eat a dog shit through clenched teeth.

Here’s the deal. I spend more time than I’d like on fawning over the hair on my head but despising any other hair on my body and doing whatever I can to remove it. By the time I’d worked out that the arms could also enter the mix, I decided, nay refused, to add on one more time-devouring superficial task.

Sometimes you just need to step back and look at how insane we are and to what lengths we spend our days trying to go against evolution.

So here I am, a long haired, make-upless, hairy-armed, time ENJOYER. And although I may not be a complete hippy living out in the wilderness, smoking heaps of weed and having an afro pube-bush, I am making somewhat of a stand against societies’ ‘ideals’. Enjoying your spare time is way more fun than trying to ‘please’ others with some stupid image we have in our heads from magazines filled with anorexic self-loathing models. My role models are fun and hilarious people who don’t give a shit what people think, and to be perfectly honest, I haven’t even noticed if any of them have hairy arms or not. Nor do I care.

I saw a old lady yesterday who had more than a few hairs on her chin and although initially surprised, I realised this old bag needed a high 5. She rocked that goatie and didn’t give a fuck. What a legend. Suck a dick Donatella!

Rambling Goat

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An open letter to open letters

Dear Open Letters,

So, what’s the effing deal, aye?
Why is this something that seems to be “trending” on the interwebs and taking up valuable space from hilarious cat pictures?

Personally, I think when someone writes an “open letter to my ass”, they’re really putting a public notice out there equivalent to sticking a post it on their head saying “look at me! I’m a douchebag and have something to say!”

Or it’s just a self- proclaimed right to let everyone know that they have an opinion that’s more valuable than anything else someone has to say – and to that I say pish!

Yeah, pish to you and your stupid open letters.

nonsense unicorn