Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life



So from an earlier post you will have realised I have a grasshopper phobia, but alas, life has given me several phobias to keep me on my toes. And real funny, self, because I now feel like vomiting thanks to phobia number 1 on my list:

1. Toes. I normally say feet but actually the heel is fine. Its those strange alien creatures sticking out from the foot that I have an issue with. My brother once told me feet are like deformed hands and I’ve never forgotten. My mum used to pick stuff up with her feet, as did my ex. My response was always something like ‘Why not just bend down?! You’re not a monkey and now I need to vomit. So thanks for that’. My mum has since stopped and my ex is well, my ex. Although even after trying to ‘help me get used to toes’ by touching me with them and wiggling them in between me and the TV, I’m happy to report that we didn’t break up due to a toe-related issue. I might be batshit crazy but I’m not insane 😀

I’m not going to start discussing foot fetishes, podiatry, foot massages, the words ‘suck’ and ‘toe’ in the same sentence, fungal problems, old people getting other people to cut their toenails for them, selfies of peoples painted toenails etc as I already need to vomit and I’m only on number 1.

2. Ok well let’s revisit grasshoppers. The irony here is that I’m a gardener and I encounter them quite a lot. However for some reason I must get macho when I’m in work attire and just brush them off casually (while having a 2 second semi heart attack on the inside). If I’m in my PJs and I see one on the floor then we have issues. I once got bailed up on the couch for like an hour. It was probably asleep during this Mexican stand off, but I certainly wasn’t! The problem with grasshoppers is that a) they have really long antennae and b) they always jump at my face. What kind of stupid evolutionary addition is jumping AT the exact thing you’re scared of?! Well congrats evolution, I guess it works on me.

3. Ears. Ok the real problem here is that when you touch them, YOU CAN HEAR IT. This is a disgusting sensory overload that I’d rather not endure. Don’t get me wrong, I can touch my own ears and toes without a problem, its just adding in the variable of an additional and uncontrollable human that messes me up. Like that guy who tried to lick my ear. Who does that?! In like .1 of a second, I could HEAR it and then needed to vomit. Luckily, I’ve pushed this memory deep into a crevice of disgust in my mind and crammed lots of fun stuff on it, like balloons and unicycles. So I don’t remember who it was or if I ran away screaming or not. Add onto this that once again my brother (aren’t big brothers just grand?) had a comment for me that went something like ‘they’re just pieces of skin hanging off your face’ and a friend in highschool saying they were ‘like pieces of raw chicken’ and there you go, a phobia is born.

4. Sharks. Ok I never saw jaws, and I’m pretty sure i’ll never encounter one, but everyone has this phobia dont they? I don’t mind them existing, and in fact I get sad when I hear of people killing them, but I just don’t want them to bite me. And I’m pretty sure swimming in dark deep water is asking for it (we look like seals from underneath apparently). I think I’d pee, poo and vomit if that ever happened which much like a squid squirting out an ink cloud, could work in my favour. Who has the capacity to remember to punch its nose?! Or poke its eye?! Let’s just say I’m not going to swim in dark water, stray from the pack at the beach and hope that sharks don’t eat squids.

5. A new entry. Yep, I’ve finally taken all I can handle and pubes are now on the list. Well I didn’t get any on my pizza or anything but I think I got something worse. I found one stuck to the back of my toothbrush. Hey life, what a good joke! It was at my friends house so after giving one of them enough ammo for a good few minutes worth of solid laughter on his bday, it was deduced that no one there has pubes. Maybe one of the visitors (too nice for practical jokes) shed one and I sat my toothbrush on it? I put it down to karma for *almost* sleeping with my ex’s friend the night before. I keep forgetting theres society ‘rules’. Apparently 1 yr of being broken up is sufficient to move on to friends (but not best friends, and only for shags – you should never date them), but seeing as we’d had ex-sex 2 months earlier, I should wait longer. Who makes up this shit?! I’m too open minded for rules but hey, that’s another story for another day.

Point of the story is, the next time I saw that guy, I found a pube STUCK TO MY BRACELET. Top it off with falling over in a bathroom and landing on a pube (yep, that happened), and finding a pube stuck to the toilet seat at my parents house *shudder* and that’s enough to warrant never wanting to see pubes ever again. Maybe I need to get a black poodle again, I used to think (or convince myself) they were all dog hairs!

Rambling Goat

PS. Feel free to tell me what phobias you have, its a hilariously annoying part of life that makes us all different (aka interesting!)


Author: ramblingg0at

Life loves to set me up for its own entertainment. But instead of me hiding these awkward moments, I plan on sharing them for my own (and possibly your) amusement. Now who's laughing, life?

6 thoughts on “Phobias

  1. Sorry!

    Ah pubes, a conversation for another day…

  2. a have a ridiculous vomit inducing phobia of wet bread. It all started when my mother shoved a piece of Wonder bread into a glass of milk. Oh god, I’m gonna spew even typing this.
    Bread pudding, soggy hot dog buns (gagging), well, you get the point.
    I’m gonna go barf now.

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