Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

Pap Smear Freakouts

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Ok girls, they’re already so awkward already, but at my last one I had far more of a freakout than I ever have. I guess I should always book them in first thing in the morning, because being at lunchtime I had far too much time to let my brain run rampant.

I’d just moved to a new area, and googled gynos to organise to book in. I was already freaked out because out of two reputable places, one was an older man with a moustache. There’s something that screams creepy about an old man gyno with a moustache.. Luckily the other one was a women’s health centre with only female doctors, phewwww!

So anyway here listed is all the stupid thoughts I (and maybe you have) had pre-pappo.

  1. What if I missed a spot shaving and there’s some random patch of hair.
  2. What if I didn’t calculate the timing right with shaving and end up with a shaving rash. She’ll probably think I’m diseased.
  3. What if I cut myself shaving and have some bloody vagina wound?!?!
  4. What if I get sweaty in the car trip on the way over and blast her with my sweaty gooch odour. 
  5. What if my vagina is the last one she sees before lunch? She might be eating her sandwich and have the image of my vagina imprinted on her brain.
  6. What if I FART! Wow, now that would be reeeeeally awkward.
  7. What if I randomly get my rags ohhhhh god!
  8. What if she has some assistant (like the hose sucker girl at the dentist) and I actually KNOW her. Wayyy awkward.
  9. What if they decide to do some educational training for a nurse/training doctor (or group of them!) and they come in and watch!
  10. What if I go to the bathroom first but get a little piece of toilet paper stuck in my nether region (this has happened to me before – my partner at the time was giggling, I ask whats so funny, he says nothing, I look down and there’s a little ripped of piece of toilet paper still stuck there. I’m such a classy chic haha fooouuurrrrccckkk!)

Anyway, in conclusion, none of that happened. It was fine.


The next week I was out at this big monthly market day and turn to look at a stall and who is behind me? Yep, my gyno. I’m pretty sure she didnt see me, so I wander off. Quickly. My nan wants to know where I’m going in a hurry. I explain my gyno is there and I don’t really want to have an awkward convo where we’re making small chat but both know she’s pretty much seen my insides.

As my nan was fertively glancing back to ‘spot the gyno’, I started thinking. This woman would be walking around the markets recognising women and knowing what their vaginas look like. Its kind of like having xray vision. She’s got this hilarious superhero power that most men (and I guess some women) would love to have. And all that the rest of us plebs have is to ‘imagine people in their underwear’ when we’re doing public speaking. Lameee!

Rambling Goat


Author: ramblingg0at

Life loves to set me up for its own entertainment. But instead of me hiding these awkward moments, I plan on sharing them for my own (and possibly your) amusement. Now who's laughing, life?

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