Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Girls Don’t Fart

Look, we all know that girls dont poo or fart, but if they *did* then girls who drink beer or champagne will totally get why this is awkwardly hilarious. I’ve done this a few times but with partners, but this time I speak of was even more awkward.

I’d been drinking and sexing this new guy all night, it was the first time we’d hung out properly. Because its a new guy of course I was trying my best to be clean (if he’d look anything other than blissfully happy while kissing me, i’d slink off and clean my teeth – beer breath is deadly!), look sexy even in awkward positions (eg laying on my side with no bra – am I right girls? Haha) and conveniently wear sexy lingerie (I actually had to rewash the whole lot before I went over because they smelt dusty!). So I was on my best (albeit drunk) behaviour, trying to leave a good impression. 

We eventually fell asleep, but in the middle of the night I awoke to a noise. Now, in my defence, I’d drank a lot of beer, but in my half asleep state I knew exactly what had happened. Yep folks, in the deafening silence of the night, i’d let rip. Gas had escaped, and enough to wake me up. As I had been asleep, there was no care taken to silence this outburst. Ohhh shit. I looked over within .3 of a horrified second to see my sleeping companion flinch. Great. I’m done for, you don’t flinch while ‘sleeping’ in the dead of night. My only hope is that he’s so tired he thinks its a dream, or forgets it by morning.

I go back to sleep and yep folks, this classy gal isn’t finished because I bloody did it again. Did I hear a giggle then or is that ME nervously giggling?

After laying there for what seemed like an eternity, using whatever senses I could in pitch blackness to work out if he was awake, I realise I need to lose the shame, shit happens. I can’t take it back and although I certainly won’t be bringing it up as a conversation piece in the morning, this guy has to realise (if he even heard/remembers/cares) that we’re only human. As one friend said “if he doesn’t talk to you again cos you farted, he’s got issues”. Maybe actually this was a good thing to test if he’s a superficial tosser or a good guy? Hahaha

Rambling Goat


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Self Esteem and that crap

We look at ourselves through shit coloured glasses.

They say we are our own worse enemies, which I guess is kinda true but wouldn’t it be much more fun to have a real life nemesis other than the crud that goes on in your head to beat yourself up over? At least with a real nemesis you can have fun beating someone else up! Then we all win!

So tell all those negative thoughts in your brain to go suck a dead donkey’s doodle while wearing faulty roller skates because it is awesome to be a little bit speshial.

Boom.

Nonsense Unicorn

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Larryette David

I was talking to this guy on Tinder and I mentioned I was doing a blog. “Write about me!” He says. “Uhhh you’re going to have to be a lot stranger or entertaining to warrant writing about” I told him.

He asked what the blog was about. I said something along the lines of ‘What I’m best at, failing at life, laughing about it, then sharing my ridiculous stories with others.’

He looked at the blog and responds with something like ‘Oh.. Its just everyday stuff that happens. Its just like a feminine version of Seinfeld.’ Now in my opinion, trying to use Seinfeld as a negative is like walking into a glass door. You end up looking like a real douche.

I wrote back “Wow, thanks. Larry David is a genius!” Extra gushy for maximum impact. He blocked me.

 So congratulations ‘Enzo’! You totally made the blog! Here’s your 15 mins of fame, I hope it’s everything you wanted and more. I’m sure you’re a lovely person but not appreciating that I’m using my ‘everyday stuff’ and showcasing my bad moments to help others is a bit sad.

What I’d like everyone to realise here is that I refuse to act a certain way for society. I’m not going to hide my real day to day awkward life moments and instead pretend I’ve got it all, never fall over and always look pretty. Not only does that sound like a real boring life but its really freakin hard to keep up (stay tuned for a story where I attempted this impossible feat). Everyday adversities are what makes life and people interesting, so let loose and laugh about it. I don’t think Enzo likes it much but who is that guy? Exactly. It’s my life and I choose what to do with it. So blog I shall. And if I make just one of you smile or realise no one is perfect (and that’s what makes us awesome!) then my time isn’t wasted. 🙂

Rambling Goat

 


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Pap Smear Freakouts

Ok girls, they’re already so awkward already, but at my last one I had far more of a freakout than I ever have. I guess I should always book them in first thing in the morning, because being at lunchtime I had far too much time to let my brain run rampant.

I’d just moved to a new area, and googled gynos to organise to book in. I was already freaked out because out of two reputable places, one was an older man with a moustache. There’s something that screams creepy about an old man gyno with a moustache.. Luckily the other one was a women’s health centre with only female doctors, phewwww!

So anyway here listed is all the stupid thoughts I (and maybe you have) had pre-pappo.

  1. What if I missed a spot shaving and there’s some random patch of hair.
  2. What if I didn’t calculate the timing right with shaving and end up with a shaving rash. She’ll probably think I’m diseased.
  3. What if I cut myself shaving and have some bloody vagina wound?!?!
  4. What if I get sweaty in the car trip on the way over and blast her with my sweaty gooch odour. 
  5. What if my vagina is the last one she sees before lunch? She might be eating her sandwich and have the image of my vagina imprinted on her brain.
  6. What if I FART! Wow, now that would be reeeeeally awkward.
  7. What if I randomly get my rags ohhhhh god!
  8. What if she has some assistant (like the hose sucker girl at the dentist) and I actually KNOW her. Wayyy awkward.
  9. What if they decide to do some educational training for a nurse/training doctor (or group of them!) and they come in and watch!
  10. What if I go to the bathroom first but get a little piece of toilet paper stuck in my nether region (this has happened to me before – my partner at the time was giggling, I ask whats so funny, he says nothing, I look down and there’s a little ripped of piece of toilet paper still stuck there. I’m such a classy chic haha fooouuurrrrccckkk!)

Anyway, in conclusion, none of that happened. It was fine.

However.

The next week I was out at this big monthly market day and turn to look at a stall and who is behind me? Yep, my gyno. I’m pretty sure she didnt see me, so I wander off. Quickly. My nan wants to know where I’m going in a hurry. I explain my gyno is there and I don’t really want to have an awkward convo where we’re making small chat but both know she’s pretty much seen my insides.

As my nan was fertively glancing back to ‘spot the gyno’, I started thinking. This woman would be walking around the markets recognising women and knowing what their vaginas look like. Its kind of like having xray vision. She’s got this hilarious superhero power that most men (and I guess some women) would love to have. And all that the rest of us plebs have is to ‘imagine people in their underwear’ when we’re doing public speaking. Lameee!

Rambling Goat