If you haven’t checked out Jake Butler’s blog True Confessions of a Male Stripper, then get out from under your rock and get over there!
I was lucky enough to get a ‘hi’ from Jake on Fetlife, convinced him to blog his hilarious and shocking stories and we have been in close contact ever since. A few days ago I got to meet him for the first time..
He had picked a discreet table at the back of a bar in Sydney in case our conversation turned kinky (of course it was going to!). I also didn’t (and still don’t) have his number, was going to meet him alone and had no phone battery. There was potential that I was going to be stabbed but honestly I was kind of ok with that. My life is pretty shit at the moment so being stabbed didn’t sound *that* bad. It would be an interesting day either way – I’m either going to be losing liquid or consuming liquid (blood/beer). But also, we talk everyday and my intuition said he was awesome.
My intuition was right :D And liquid (this time urine) actually became a major issue.. More on that later LOL.
So I was late (what’s new), hadn’t eaten and needed to charge my phone pretty bad. He just sat there calmly with the beer he’d bought for me and listened to my nonsense (which included showing him a glass jar with a felt heart in it). He grinned and said I’m exactly like he thought I would be.
Well good! I hope.. Sidenote: I don’t just carry round that heart everyday hoping I can show it to new people, it was my bday present for NU. True story. We’re big fans of the show Oddities so I did a cute version. If you have no idea what I’m talking about – it’s cool bro, I’m moving on with the story!
I got him to search around the table for a power point to charge my phone. He totally did because even though he’s super professional looking and sounding, he wanted to help this insane girl.
I’m not too sure how much to give away as he has to keep his anonymity but to the ladies who are interested, let me rave on about how lovely he is! I’m also going to rub it in that I got to meet him (ner ner!) – I’m not one of those cool bloggers that somehow manages to meet people with crazy awesome jobs. My latest claim to fame was a guy who wanted me to trample him. I never did get around to doing that (he’s got a bit of a serial killer vibe, so it’s probably best I don’t)..
I also never hang with men in suits – I have a bit of an ‘us’ vs ‘them’ mentality which needs to be remedied.. Do clean men like dirty girls? Dirty as in actual dirt – I’m a tradeswoman, not some unhygienic crazy cat lady hoarder (although this could very well be me in the future..).
We had a couple of drinks, I scoffed down some fries and then fetlife was mentioned. Hmmm.. We needed to choose a fake name for it in case people were listening so at the same time I said “banana”, he said “cucumber”. Wow, awkward phallus moment. It all went downhill (in a good way) from there. Apparently I swirled my chip in circles in the aioli when ‘threesomes’ came up in conversation. We possibly needed another fruit to cover that convo up but I forgot anyone was around me, I was too busy picturing threesomes ;)
At some point I wiggled my butt to him which again was another one of those ‘not sure why I did that but I did, so deal with it’ moments. I realised my jeans actually made my butt look heaps flat (thanks you stupid wall of mirrors) so to the untrained eye it probably just looked like I was standing there. Again, Jake wasn’t phased by my insanity, he just grinned and drank his drink. In hindsight, I probably should have asked to see his version. OMG jake – can you twerk? :D
Well our time was up and ever the gentleman, he escorted me to the train station. Enter my liquid problem.
Again, hindsight, why didn’t I pee before I left?? Now I was sitting on a rocking train with a pint and schooner worth of beer in my bladder. I’ve got a bladder of steel normally but maybe the fries were pushing on my bladder? I sent him a text laughing about my dilemma (not literally or I totally would have wet myself). I was rocking like someone with a mental disorder but thankfully only one woman (sitting next to me) could see.
Apparently at this moment, I also felt the need to msg my bf:
Going to piss myself on the train
Pretty straightforward. No need to beat around the bush. Then I got out at Central station as I had to change trains and legged it to the toilets. Don’t worry, I again updated bf:
Update toI let St central closed
Going to other ones fooouuurrrrccckkk
It sounds pretty drunk but thats ‘about to piss myself’ mixed with ‘tipsy’ and thankyou, yes, it was an achievement to also multitask into that scenario ‘msging a running commentary to bf’.
I did get a msg back in case you’re wondering. It said ‘Ok’. For the record, ‘Ok’ msgs shit me but I completely understand there’s nothing else you could possibly say in this situation. So, fair enough.
Well I didn’t end up pissing myself (Huzzah!). I was over trains by this point though and running pretty late, so I got a taxi. I made it to my next destination, caught up with friends, drank more, hung out with a family member and then of course this story is going to end strangely – I made my bf’s brother choke me (“it’s relaxing!”) while we were cuddled up and sleeping on the train trip home. He didn’t seem phased and just wrapped his arm around my neck like a tight, murderous hug. Thanks bro!
I’m just going to go ahead and say that I’ve got some caring, patient, accepting and super awesome friends and I feel pretty lucky in that respect. Friends are totally underrated :)