Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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The One where I popped the cherry

(This one also counts as the co worker hehe.)

I found love among the shelves of a discount store. We worked together, and you know how it goes – you flirt and become work mates and blah blah boom you’re in a relationship!

This is probably the only textbook relationship I have ever had – meaning we didn’t fuck before we made it official. Quite contrary, it was maybe the 3rd date that we even kissed for the first time.

We had both freshly finished school. We regailed tales of schoolies. Sex came up. I told him I had slept with 2 people and we had he slept with 3 girls in two nights while away at schoolies (I though woah I got a player on my hands).

A month into it we finally did the sexy time hanging off the rafters of his bunk bed. Naawwww. And that opened a flood gate of awesomeness where I had my first orgasm ever.

(Have I mentioned I never masturbated until I was about 23? Yeah so orgasm was definitely something for the first time).

One night maybe 6 months into it we were drunkenly walking back to his place where he started crying.

Wtf.

“I’ve lyed to you. You’re the only one”.

What?

“You’re the first person I’ve had sex with. I lyed about those 3 girls because I didn’t want you to think I was lame.”


Because I’m the kind of person to judge for that kind of thing? Pfft.

So I unknowingly popped his cherry. Which is annoying because it would have been way cooler if I knew.

It lasted for 2.3 years, probably a year too long. But it wasn’t all bad, at least I can say that I’ve screwed at work hehehehe.

Nonsense unicorn


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The one on the boat

The second score happened 10 days after my virginity was ripped from my hot little hands. Once that first awkward time happened, I now knew the deal.

To celebrate finishing school, about 2000 (or however many people fit on a cruise) 17 and 18 year olds disembarked on the schoolies cruise to let off some steam. And get drunk. Woo!


Soon enough some toolies introduced themselves to us (ie that’s older people like 21 who go on these cruises with 17/18 year olds). We befriended them, and long story short I ended up talking and making out with a really hot one.
It started out kinda romantic, kissing at the bow of the boat As the sun rose on the sparkling ocean.  Naaaaw. 

But then he took me back to his cabin and the awkwardness ensued.

I can’t remember the actual sex much, but I do remember him pushing my head down to give him a blow job. I’d never done one before and I truly couldn’t get myself to stick his dick in my mouth. He insisted for a while as we played head bopping resistance.


Pfft I ain’t giving up my skittles…

It’s funny thinking about it, that I had no prob with a relative stranger sticking his dick in me, but a blow job was a too big deal.

I won and soon after did the walk of shame back to my room. But I suppose on a cruise like that I wasn’t the only one. Didn’t help I was still dressed as a cowboy from the night before.

A couple of nights later I saw him talking to some other girl at the bow. Young me was sad that this didn’t somehow turn into some romantic fling, but a couple of drinks later I got over it.

Nonsense unicorn


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How I popped my cherry

It was the summer of 69…. Or 2004. We had just finished school (take that you pious ass wipe of a school) and had a few weeks before heading off to schoolies (which is a whole different story).
I was the younger half of the grade, only 17, but that didn’t stop us from getting our drink on. What difference was a few months until you’re legal?! Every weekend there was some kind of party going on.
First to give a bit of back story: I never really had heaps of experience with guys as a teenager. I didn’t give blow jobs, I had my first kiss at the end of year 10 (with some random at a dance party, how romantic), had a boyfriend for a month and that’s about it. Yet still in my inexperience, I was never the kind of girl that held my cherry in such a high regard.
So yeah, schools over and we are drinking and hanging with some friends in a park near RG’s house. A group of them were some guys a couple years older than us (21 maybe to our 17? I can’t remember…) from some suburbs away (how we knew them was a different kettle of fish).


(Aah Benny, there was no magic carpet ride for me…)

Something something I end up making out with one of the guys in a gazebo and he invites me over to his place the next day to “watch some TV”. Even in my inexperienced naivety, I knew what he meant by that. And I agreed.

I still remember the apathy I felt about the situation. No emotion about it, just “well everyone else has done it so let’s get it over with. At least this guy is super hot”.
So the next day I drive out an hour to this guys suburb. I sit in mycar park waiting for him to come get me because this was back in the day when a GPS was too expensive for a 17 year old working in a discount shop.
Gwen Stefani What You Waitin For plays on the radio as he pulls up and I try to remember if that’s him (still can’t listen to that song).
Blah blah he takes me back, awkward conversation, awkward silences, he takes me back to his room and starts getting it on.
I think my virginity was seeping through my skin because he asked “… Is this your first time?”
Fuck, is it that obvious?
I coyly nod, and surprisingly he was cool and was all like “well you should be on top because you will have more control” and yeah…. 

Boom.
Cherry popped.
Done.


And I drove home.
Not a romantic story at all, butit definitely   opened the door to a strange strange world.

Ps rumour has it soon after all that he became super religious. This is another “coincidence” of men who have turned to God after having a taste of the unicorn… But that’s another story…



Nonsense unicorn 

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The Conquest List

I have a weird relationship with sex at the moment. The disconnect with my sexual side has got me thinking about stuff and things. But instead of having a whinge about that, I thought I would take a trip down memory lane and catalogue my sexual conquests on here.


Why? Mainly just because. Perhaps for the lols. Does it really matter? If anything I hope my awkward tales are entertaining.

How many are we looking at here? I don’t actually even know, maybe like under 20 or something like that, maybe 30…. I guess we will find out! And who knows I may learn something about myself or some crap like that.


And in return I reckon you should respond with your own conquest tales ūüėä

Nonsense unicorn 

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30 is the new 60

nonsense unicorn's blog

I’ve never really cared about getting older. Some people make a big deal about meeting age milestones like its the apocalypse coming. Nope not me, I always thought pfft age is just a number, who cares!

UNTIL. NOW.


Until something happens after you turn 25 and the warranty runs out on your body and you start thinking damnn maybe I should have invested in that extended warranty when I was 21 and started being healthy back then.

Suddenly, after years of drinking litres of alcohol chased by a kilo of chicken nuggets without your waist budging an inch, you somehow now gain 5kg after one cider.

From staying out until 6am and still getting to work by 9am (after a casual vomit outside the window of your car), hangovers now make you bed-ridden for a week.

And don’t get me started on the 5 GREY FREAKIN HAIRS on my dang…

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I’ve lost my Individuality

We’ve all seen friends go from an individual to an individual with a perfectly suited (or not so perfectly suited) goiter hanging off them. This huge goiter is their new partner and there’s now fat chance you’ll be able to hang with them without their goiter.

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The beebs before his goiter was removed.

Don’t get me wrong, some goiters are awesome. NU’s one is a delightful specimen and there is no difference to me between hanging with her or hanging with them both (I’m a happy third wheel who doesn’t actually ever feel like a third wheel).

My problem is that I have a large growth of my own and it’s giving me grief. I cant do all the things I want to in life – it is holding me back.

As much as I want to get back to my goiter-less life, I have to keep it attached for a bit longer.. Its the ultimate test in patience and is an equally awesome and crappy situation.

Let me ask you a question. What would you do for $20,000? Would you date someone that you know you don’t want to have a LTR with? Would you have a relationship style that is not exactly where you want it? Would you stay home instead of hanging with friends just to keep this person happy? Would you be prepared to lose your independence the moment you step in the door? Have little to no privacy? Have a serious talk about relationship shit every weekend?

Well that’s what I did and am continuing to do.

The thing is, he’s not a bad guy. He’s just not for me. He’s got wonderful traits, is epic in the sack and genuinely cares for me but he’s another tolerant monogamist (with jealousy issues) dating a poly girl. It doesn’t help that this T/M and P/G are now combined into one entity instead of two individuals..

When I first moved in, I told him I’d like to meet a guy from fetlife for a beer and he got the grumps. I once had dinner at the pub with my guy friend (after he helped me pick up my kayak from 1.5 hrs away) and he got the grumps. If I go out for beers or even just TALK about my guy friends, he gets the grumps. If I see my play partner, even just for a beer, he asks how my afternoon was but I can tell he has the grumps. If I get beeps on my phone from msgs while he’s in the room, he gets the grumps.

When he gets the grumps, he doesn’t say anything but I can tell. Its the way someone speaks, their eye movements, the way their body sits. We learn this through experience. But if I question if he’s upset about something? He gets the grumps and tells me I’m reading him wrong and he’s actually happy. He lies straight to my face. Through this, I now know what will make him unhappy/uncomfortable and try to avoid those situations. He’s conditioned me and I’ve knowingly let him. I apparently think his happiness is more important than mine.

And as for the friend who drags their goiter to every event, well that’s not us. He’s older, not interested in hanging with people in their 20’s, is an introvert who doesn’t want to socialise and doesn’t seem to click on a social level with my few friends. It’s a massive red flag for this social butterfly who gets along with most people. I’ve become friends with my dressing gown.

So you’re probably thinking ‘easy solution, just leave him!’ but this is where the 20k comes in. I’m saving up to buy a house. Did I mention I live in sydney with high rents, very tough banks and a median house price in the region of $900,000? While living here with him (rent free) I’ve been able to save $20,000 in about 9 months. I’d try and buy a house now but I’m still a temp at work so the banks won’t look at me for another 2 months. I’ve just applied for a permanent job at work but it’s the longest process ever – a month or so off being fully processed. I could just try and rent but I’m so close to the finish line! I’ve been living this life for 9 months now, so what’s another 2?

I’ve come to the realisation that yes, I’m a user. Living here is cheap, convenient, I have someone who cares for me and I should in theory be happy, but I’m not. I don’t want to live here. I’d be happy to date him in small doses but not full time. I’m doing what I can to help my future but in the process I’m denying myself the opportunity to meet new people who truly get and appreciate me as I am and with all the things I want. I don’t see my friends much (haven’t seen NU in like 3 months!!) and I just feel like a robot, going through the motions.

I honestly just can’t believe the same situation is happening to me again. And yes, both this guy and my ex have different levels of comfort but it’s just little ol’ me trying to make someone else happy and forgetting about myself. AGAIN.

This (and the job stuff) is why I’ve been quiet lately so to end on a good note, I’m going to stay optimistic and say it’ll all work out. Soon I’ll be kicking back in my new house talking shit like normal, ok?:)

Rambling Goat


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A Unicorn’s Guide to Dating

For some reason my reader on WordPress is full of hapless tales of dating by men and women. ¬†Totally not a problem, although there seems to be quite a pattern of “rules and regulations” you are apparently meant to follow in the dating world which I think is quite ridiculous (and obviously not working for a lot of people).

So, as someone who has been in many a relationship (current one 4.5 years) and¬†never actually been on a date myself – I think I’m totes the right authority here to give you all some advice on how to go about this dating bizzo!

So throw out all your¬†The Game¬†and¬†He’s Just Not That Into You bibles and guides and check out my¬†Unicorn Guide to Dating.

What to Wear

Spending hours standing outside your wardrobe trying to concieve the right outfit to wear on your date? ¬†Do they like heels, is my skirt too short? ¬†Should I wear a tshirt? ¬†Well, here is a well hidden secret that fashion designers will hate you for…..wear whatever the damn hell¬†YOU want. ¬†That is all. ¬†Wear a dang potato sack or onesie if that makes you comfortable.

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But NU, what if they judge me for my potato sack?

Tell them to swallow a rusty whisk and GTFO. ¬†Do you want to be with someone who is going to fob you off for what you wear? ¬†Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, be you! ¬†This coming from someone who has picked people up when dressed as a dog, transvestite and a onesie.

When you should call/ text/ email

There seems to be a strict formula out there, where you should divide the time you spent together on the date and multiply that by 543 then square root to the power of 4 to get the exact time and date of when you should contact them again. ¬†Wrong by 4.34 of a decimal? BOOM they’re gonna hate you forever!

My homies, just message when you want to talk to them. ¬†Next day, next week, whatever. ¬†If someone is gonna be all “ermagherd he texted me like 32 hours after our date, what a needy beedy” then stuff them!

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Disclaimer: ¬†just don’t be a total stalker messaging fifty billion times every second before they respond to you, that is a little much…

When should the P go into the V (or P into A, or V into V… whatevs)

My current boy pretty much is a one night stand that wouldn’t go away, and now we’re totally happy and crazy living together with fur babies and shenanigans. ¬†Actually, pretty much all my relationships (bar one as a youngun 18 year old, we waited like 3 weeks…) have been clingy one night standers. Sooooo I reckon when your pringle gets the tingle then your privates gotta mingle!

 

If they think you’re a hoe or man-whore after that, then they’re not worth your time. ¬†The right person will know you’re worth sticking around for!

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And I think that’s enough advice for now, or you all are gonna be getting married and loved up left right and centre! ¬†Maybe more to come when I could be bothered – I am a unicorn after all and have pretty important sparkle parties to attend to.

 

Nonsense Unicorn

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