Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Loves of my Life

I reckon we experience a lot of different loves in our lifetimes, as we fumble through on the eternal search for that one sparkly human that lights up your world.

I thought I would share a couple of the stories of the loves I have experienced in my 29 years of being.

The Star Crossed Love

I was 16 years old (cue Benny Mardones here) and on a family holiday overseas to the mother land to meet family. Days spent hanging out on a farm, one of my cousins mates was interested in me and a love bloomed.


It was kinda disgusting how text book it was – it first started when he asked me to go to a town dance where we waltzed together and later kissed under the moonlight.

Followed by 6 weeks of moonlight picnics and day trips to town eating 6 ice creams just to prolong the time we were spending together.

He spoke broken English and my understanding of the language was crappy, but somehow we connected and made it work.

Unfortunately due to the problem of me living a million miles away, we were torn apart at the end of the holiday, looking out the back window in tears as I saw the love of my life slowly fade in to the distance. We wrote love letters for a while but that slowly faded away.

My parents went over there not long ago. He is married with a kid now, but apparently when he gets drunk he still talks about me. 

The First Real Boyfriend

The cherry was my first real relationship. You know, proper dating and waiting a month to screw.

It lasted about 2.5 years but probably 1.5 years too long. I was in love, but I guess it was one of those things where you are more in love with being in a relationship than actually having a real deep connection.

I was hurt when it ended, but in retrospect it was more of an ego bruising than heartbreak.

The One that got away


I was so in love with the Watermelon for a very long time. Read the hyperlink for the whole story, but he was always that guy that (maybe I totally imagined it) like there was some kind of magnet there, but for some reason just never went anywhere. It was never meant to be, but I pined for so long.

We hooked up twice (no sex) which still stand as some of the sexiest moments I’ve had, as well as some of the most romantic (Nights in White Satin will always remind me of him).

I stepped away from our friendship to distance myself, and now he’s on his way to becoming a priest, so that probably says a lot about the situation.

Although I’ve been over it for a very long time, I still can’t help but wonder if there was anything there for him too. I guess I will never know.

The Lie


I spent a good three years of my life begging a fool to love me. It was through this experience that I actually learnt what real love is and that the right person will go the hard yards with you and that you are worth it.

Dumb mother fucker professed his love for me when I stopped seeing him when I met the Boy. Too little too late doy.

The Real Deal


And that brings me to The Boy today. Almost five years of up and down, and heck who knows if this is a forever deal, but at least I know that we have gone through a lot of waves and still something keeps us connected.

We have respect for each other, we get each other, we fight for each other. That’s pretty sweet for now.
And there’s the loves of my life. What’s yours?

Nonsense unicorn 


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Hoecember sexcapades

Also could be called the one that was almost illegal but luckily wasn’t. Phew!

When we were 21 (or 22 I forget) RG and I embarked on a glorious adventure across the border for Hoecember. If you haven’t already gathered by the title,  the main goal of this trip was to have some fun and just see where each night took us, if you know what I mean… The room we were in even had a separate bedroom to be the shag pad hahaha!


So we sign up for one of those Pub Crawl group things where you pay $20 or some crap like that and they take a group of you around to the best pubs and you meet people and whatever.

One of the guys in the group was a super hot tanned English Boy with blonde speckled hair. Me being the awkward self conscious lamebo I am was super surprised that he bought me a drink and talked to me, when he clearly had his pick of anyone!

So I hook up with English Boy, and RG hooks up with the pub crawl team leader guy. From what I remember RG left before me back to the shag pad.

I think we went down to the beach and stuff and things ensued, but seriously, sex on the beach is not as glamorous as people make it out to be! The sand was annoying so we left.

English Boy and I go back to our hotel and go skinny dipping in the pool out front. Little did I know that RG had already done exactly the same thing not too long before we got there, so the owner lady came out and started yelling at us, laughing we grab our clothes and sprint naked and soaking wet down the street.

Still makes me lol that I’ve done that hahaha.

After some time we head back to the room and stuff and things ensue. From what I remember it was pretty alright! Surprising for the queen of awkward.

Blah blah on our last night we had a flight home at 6am, so instead of sleeping we decided to party and then go straight to the airport. English Boy and I meet up again, and RG meets a Russian dude.

All four of us end up back in the room, and somehow we all end up naked in bed eating ice blocks. Funniest memory ever.

Seediest plane ride ever and I’m pretty sure I vomited once we landed, but it was totally worth It.

Afterwards I add English Boy on Facebook only to discover he only just turned 18! What a liar he totally said he was 22…. At least he was hot and I can tick an Englishman off the list.
Conquest count: 8


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The Micro Sailor

I totally forgot about my conquest count! Not that it’s that riveting anyway, but here is a short tale about a short tail… Pun intended….

The Micro Sailor

I guess it’s cool that I can tick fucking a sailor off the Sucket list, but as usual it was a drunken awkward encounter.

Sailor boi was a friend of a friend, and one drunken evening with RG and others I somehow got pushed along to go back to his place. From what I remember he was pretty alright so I was all yeah why not. Fuck it.

So we go back to his place and starts doing stuff and things, and ermagherd his slug was… Well, the size of a slug.


Now let me say that I have never ever been the kind of girl to care about peen size because for one, guys can’t help what size they have, and I always assumed you can still have a good time so who cares right?!

But in this case, it was so awkward cos as he as flailing on top of me I seriously didn’t know if it was in yet, and I didn’t know if he thought it was in or not but I just kinda went with it…


It was really awkward…. On the plus side at least I could pretend to be good at deep throat cos he didn’t set off my gag reflex…

The next morning I walk of shamed to a taxi home that cost me $150 cos the ass took a long ass route home. It’s a bit sad that I remember that fact and not the sailors name, huh?

Conquest count: 7

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Facebook Politics

I have a strange relationship with Facebook. On one hand I hate it and the stupid shit people say and do on there as keyboard warriors- but on the other hand it is just so entertaining when I don’t want to think about stuff and things.

So yes I am on there, but I’m also trying to get my friend list down to under a hundred (up to 160 at the moment). Because I don’t want acquaintances and people that I don’t like or who don’t actually see me or like me being on there.

I also have bouts of impulse when I get pissed off I just delete people off my Facebook. Like the boys family for example. I’m not the biggest fan of his siblings – they’re generally the kind to have their noses in the air looking down on people beneath them which isn’t my cup of tea.

So the boy pissed me off the other night and in a drunken stupor I deleted all of his family off my Facebook. Because alcohol makes everything more dramatic, right? His sister noticed I deleted her and commented about my impulsiveness to the boy who is now upset that I have done so.

Yeah okay so I kinda sorta see how it could be seen as making a comment about my feelings on them and “causing drama” and whatever. But seriously, it’s Facebook. Get over it. They don’t talk to me other than at family gatherings, so why should they even care? What, the superficial friend tag on a website is more important than real human interaction? 

If they actually cared about being “connected” to me, then send me a fucking text or phone call or give any sign that you give a shit other than the forced niceties due to our mutual interest in the boy.

No? Don’t want to do that? Well I don’t want to either, so what’s the Big deal about the Facebook thing?

Boy sees it as me continually making a definitive line between me vs his family, which I can’t help but do. They are not my family, I have my family. They are his family and I’m glad to have it that way. Which is hypocritical, as my family treats him as one of their own…. But that’s because we are way cooler! Lol…. But it’s also because my family actually make an effort to welcome him, where as his family looks down on me as a pleb which he denies but is so the truth.

Anyway.

Seriously, Facebook politics.

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Nonsense Review: Pokemon Go

Whether you’re a fan or not, it’s pretty clear all over the world that Pokemon Go is the biggest thing since sliced bread.

And. It. Is!

Dudes, I’ve been metaphorically peeing my pants with excitement since the release sometime last week as my inner child has been awakened.


So let’s go over some of the awesomeness of this whole thing. And if you’re gonna be one of those old fuddy duddies “what’s the pokey mons?!” Then go swallow a rusty whisk because

You don’t need to know Pokemon to enjoy it

The Boy laughed at me for the first two days when I was running around town in my trackies catching invisible monsters, but two days later he was on my coat tails and I swear is more obsessed than I am!

He never played Pokemon as a child so can’t name all 151 like I can, but he is still loving all the critters and getting attached to them and excited when a freakin zubat is hovering in your beer.

It’s exercise that doesn’t make you want to cry

I’m a lazy hobo who’s allergic to the gym, but with Pokemon Go I’ve been doing 6km minimum walks a day and have already lost a kilo! It’s enjoyable and you don’t notice the pain while you’re hunting down a slowpoke.

You explore new places like some urban mother flippin Captain Cook

I’ve already discovered some nice parks and bush land around my place I didn’t know existed that I discovered on my poke walks. Note to self: picnic time!

You get free stuff

Boy and I went to dinner the other night to a pizza place that happened to be a poke stop as well. So we thought “sweet, dinner and Pokemon at the same time!”

The lady servings us thought it was funny that we were playing Pokemon and they got business due to it, and we got our drinks for freeeee!

It’s a social lubricant without the hangover

Strangers are making friends and talking to each other, people who you wouldn’t look twice at normally are giving you a smile and striking up conversation. 

I was on the bus stop playing pokemon trying to catch a bulbasaur and a young gentleman started talking to me about it. Without this, we all just stand there like vapid zombies staring at our phones or into the distance, scared that a little eye contact will burn our souls.


If you don’t like catching Pokemon, the descriptions of some of the poke stops is  hilarious in itself


Look it’s sweet Baby Gesus


Walls truly are a bland reminder of our boxed in existence…


Okay this weird ghost face just creeps me out 


So the moral of the story is I give Pokemon Go a lifetime of high fives. Stop being a lamebo party pooper and get on to it!

Nonsense unicorn



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Things that go bump in the night

I’ve come to the conclusion that as soon as lights go out, shit gets weird.

The other night I woke up to the feeling of something touching my eye. In my sleepy state, I rubbed my eye, felt a small round hard object and then immediately freaked out and threw it across the room. What was it? A beetle. A beetle was sitting on my eyelid, sucking my eye juices while I slept. I had a dry eye all day after that.

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Maybe I should do this to keep them away..

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Or THIS.

This isn’t the first time weird bug-related shit has happened in the night. One time I went to the bathroom during the night and while washing my hands, noticed my toothbrush was different. Lordy, lordy me, there was a huge cockroach straddling the bristles. I think it was drinking the water left on it from me cleaning my teeth earlier.

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FYI I now have a travel cover which goes over the head and keeps bugs off. Which is maybe why they’re thirsty enough to drink my eye juices instead.. Gah!

Another great night I woke up to a huge cockroach chillin out right next to my face. And I’ve also had a huntsman spider the width of my wrist crawl on my face.

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But bugs aren’t the only oddities I encounter during the night. No, there’s no ghost tales here, basically I am my own worst enemy while half asleep. I’ve had nights where I’ve rolled off the edge of the bed, farted myself awake (I do that a LOT these days) and in some weird possessed manner, do strange things with my hands during the night (idle hands eeeek).

The guys at work still laugh at one particular story because I was so tired the next day that I had to take a day off work. My bad.

I had just moved in with DD and had my own bedroom. During the night I had to go to the bathroom and when I got back to my room, closed the door and heard a funny sound in the door knob. I went to open it but it wouldnt open. Apparently this door knob locks if you turn it a certain way but I didnt know this, especially at midnight in the pitch black. I wrestled with the ‘broken’ handle trying to undo it until success – half an hour later. Of course I considered ringing dd during this time but I didn’t want to wake him.

I got into bed relieved and got back to sleep. I then woke up a few hours later having just had a dream about heart attacks. I could randomly smell popcorn through the house. I wondered if this was like my version of burnt toast (apparently some people smell burnt toast before having a heart attack) and then layed in bed freaking out and not being able to sleep, waiting for my heart attack to happen. It didn’t, and this all seems so silly now but everything is so much more of a big issue through the night.

So I ask you, what weird/silly things have happened to you in the night??

Rambling Goat


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The one that scarred me

There is only one time in my life that I have been the instigator for a sexual encounter. One time. Every other time has been guys pestering or wooing me and me conceding to their wiles.

This one time that I did the talking ended very badly for my self esteem.

I don’t really even want to think about it, so I’m just going to give a brief break down of what went down.


RG and I were out partying with the westie group of friends. We were both being cheeky and messaging one of the boys joking about having a threesome. He was already screwing another one of the girls, but he was intrigued.

The conversation turned to just me and him texting and with some persuasion I asked him back to our room for … You know…

So I drunkenly go back to the hotel room and wait for him. He arrives, chewing gum like a cow. It was a weird silent kind of awkward, as we were mates but not that close, and there wasn’t really any attraction.

So we tried to get it on a bit – I don’t even know if he finished or what, it was all a bit of “wtf are we doing…” And yeah blah he left. Fucking awkward and weird.

And then RG and some of the other boys come back and we make a bunk tent and pass out.

Then the next day while I’m at home on the couch hungover as fuck I get a text message from the dude.

It said something  along the lines of

Hey bro

Yeah I went back and fucked her. She is disgusting I felt so dirty afterwards I had to have 10 showers.

I remember my heart feeling like it stopped when I read that. I knew that it was awkward, but to read that I was disgusting?! Plus the old “oh sorry that wasn’t meant for you” message that followed.


I replied something back to the likes of “wow, yeah that was a mistake and crap and shouldn’t have done it, but thanks for making me feel like a piece of shit now”. I should have said that his tiny thin dick wasn’t worth my time either, but I’m not as mean as him.

After that I avoided him like the plague for a good few years. At social gatherings I ignored him and pretended he wasn’t there.

A couple of years later at a wizard party he cornered me And apologised for the whole deal. I accepted, told him it was a pretty shitty line to take, that I didn’t enjoy it after but his unkind words really fucked my self esteem up for a long time (yeah take that guilt trip you asshole).

Even though he apologised, we still floated away as friends.

Thinking about that still makes my heart ache. I can deal with the usual rejection due to me being a crazy bitch, but I still can’t shake the view that I am disgusting.

And I still haven’t initiated anything with anyone since then.
Conquest count: 6

Nonsense unicorn