Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Monogamy is a lie

It is the opinion of some that monogamy is a “lie” and a dying social construct remnant of archaic religious traditions.

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I read that crap in someone else’s blog and it’s gotten a little bit of a bee in my bonnet.

Monogamy is no more a lie than any other relationship orientation. At the end of the day it comes down to different strokes for different boats – just as there are various sexual orientations there are relationship types, and none is better or more right than the other.

I am a monogamous individual. This is not because of religion, or societies expectations, culture, or what my family have taught me. I am monogamous because it is what my heart is and wants. I am not battling any hidden biological drives to spread my seed elsewhere – my loins tingle for the one and only one love in my life.

So why doesn’t everyone just quit trying to justify their way of living or beliefs by minimalising and demeaning others?

Lamebos just need to accept that there are different ways of life in many aspects of life and all that, so pop your head out of your microcosm once in a while and just accept that people are different to you :-)

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Protective Headgear Suggestions

I was watching the news (very very rare occurrence – it was only because I was sitting with my folks and it came on) and saw a war journalist wearing a bullet proof vest but nothing protecting his head. Uhhhh what?!

Ok so they do a great job and I’m in no way discrediting the work they do, I’m just saying god dammit, a bullet proof vest is not enough! Not covering the head with any sort of protection is ludicrous.

I will admit, I’ve seen some journalists in the past wearing helmets but they’re like old bike helmets.
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Where’s the face protection in that?! Seriously there would be no chance of me reporting where I’m clearly letting myself completely open for a face shot (ooh yeah double entendre!), but that’s also because I’m not a journalist.

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In the words of Wu Tang Clan - protect ya neck! Good attempt but really, its not even high enough to do that.. No wonder she looks pissed.

But its ok journalists reporting in the field, I’ve got a few solutions for you as a base. Feel free to use these ideas to create an awesome helmet for your next breaking news.

Starting from the oldies but goodies:
1. Medieval Knight Helmet
Well this would have been a breakthrough back in the day. Some guy is wearing a coconut and then a knight in shining armour turns up. Coconut guy is screwed. That may or may not be accurate and I bet you’re all thinking of Monty Python now.. Haha clippity clop!

Anyway I believe this to be an oldy but a goody. If guys can joust wearing one, I’m pretty sure you can report a story wearing one. The bonus is you may actually blind your assailant with the sun glare off your helmet! Take that!
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Feel free to wear the whole suit if you so desire, you might even pick up a fair maiden ;)

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What you *could* look like. Heath ledger the sexy mofo (or the equivalent in women)

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More realistic version of what you'd look like.. Awkward as all hell and in need of some oiling of your joints.

2. Ned Kelly bushranger helmet
You Americans have uhh whoever you have but us Australians have Ned Kelly. He’s a criminal bushranger that was alive in the 1800’s who made himself a helmet to avoid being killed. He also had a metal vest/apron type scenario similar to the bullet proof vest.

And yes, running theme, Heath Ledger covered that in a movie too. What a legend.

Ned sounds like he gave his personal protection some thought but like my dad said when I asked how the police managed to capture him “they shot him in the legs then just walked up to him when he was on the ground.” He was then executed by hanging. Don’t let that put you off..

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He even thought to cover the goolies with this fetching metal skirt! Hahaha onya Ned!

3. Divers helmet
Its a no brainer really – thick, basically impenetrable. You can barely see and probably can’t run away anyway due to the weight but for the sake of standing there and doing a news story its pretty epic as a choice.

Well really, due to the weight, you may have to lay on the ground instead of standing but this is helpful because to the untrained eye, you also look deceased. Who shoots a dead body? Nobody, that’s who.
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4. Welding mask.
You’ve got the little rectangle to see through, and bonus with this one is you can pivot it upwards if you need to have a drink or eat a sandwich. Practical!

Also, if there’s any bright flashes (like a flash bomb), you can totally escape the area while everyone is on the floor clutching their eyes and screaming “my retinas!!”

Seems they’re a fashion statement too with plenty of designs. This could either be a positive (shooter decides you’re awesome due to your helmet pattern and high 5’s you instead) or a negative (you become a walking target, get shot in the leg then have your helmet stolen). Its 50:50.

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5. Motorcycle helmet
Similar to the welding mask but it offers more reasonable protection, allows for a awesome looking quick getaway (presuming you have a motorbike handy) and again, comes in awesome styles.

These days they even have inbuilt speakers and microphones so I guess that guy who holds the fuzzy stick is out of a job. Oops.

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Worried that the viewers will complain about not being able to see your face? Totally fixable.

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"I saw the bomb go off first hand!"

Other suggestions (by my dad) that didn’t make the cut:
*Bucket
*Saucepan
And then after telling him my ideas:
*Bucket with chainmail draped over the top

My mum then pointed out that his options were both versatile in the field “you could use the saucepan to cook your dinner in the trenches!”.
My response “what other use do you have for the bucket? To pee into?! Nooopeee you won’t wanna put that one back on..” :/

On repurposing materials aka the cheapskate options, maybe you could go a KFC bucket like the legendary Buckethead. Although the difference there is, my dad wanted the bucket all the way down with 2 eye holes. Buckethead obviously realised that KFC gives you pimples, especially when you dunk your face into the greasy bucket. Smart man.
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If you haven’t heard of Buckethead, get out from under your rock! :P He is one of greatest guitar players of all time (seriously!) and highly respectable – his skill is the only point of admiration, not his looks/personal life. Watch this and prepare to be amazed (if you only want a small snippet, start watching at 4:00) http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dyQJH615KwA

Ok consider that your musical interlude and let’s get back to the topic at hand.. Haha

If at this point you’re thinking all of these suggestions are ridiculous and you’d prefer to stick with the classic open-faced helmet, then for gods sake, keep your back to them and fool them with this..

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"Oh! You got me! My poor fragile head was hit!" Hehehehheh... Not. *play dead*

And some other honourable/not so honourable mentions:
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There really is endless possibilities (I didn’t want to delve into Darth Vader, Stormtroopers and Halo).
I’m actually starting to realise how boring a face is.. Why can’t we have ALL our newsreaders wearing random helmets?? Bare faces are for losers! Hahaha

Personally, my favourite for the budding war journalist is…
*drumroll…….*

A motherfuckin badass Predator motorbike helmet.
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No one with half a brain is going to mess with you, this is most epic helmet I’ve ever seen. You could face the terrorist leader in this thing and watch him piss his pants. There’s your news story.

Couple of interesting side notes:
A) Plenty of options so your camera guy can join in the fun too
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B) Apparently it can be a cute date idea.. Ha!
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Don’t forget to pick her flowers on the way!
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C) No matter what you do, you still look like a badass that should not be messed with.
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And apparently I’m not the first person to think of this as the perfect war helmet..

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Journos, speak up for your rights, get yourself feeling safer and claim your ‘safety helmet’ on tax. You totally deserve it.

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Rambling Goat

Ps. For the procrastinators and history buffs, check these ones out! http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread1026832/pg1&mem=

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Cockblocked by a Ghost

So here we go again.
I invited this girl out to go to a ghost tour on Friday the 13th. I’ve named her D because she’s from the dragons vs vaginas post. And I’d already been cockblocked so I didn’t have solid intentions, I decided to just hang out, see some ghosts, rah rah rah. Although let it be known that she was just coming to dinner originally, then I said “aww who else am I going to feel up in the dark though?” and she decided to come on the ghost tour too after that :D

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So the ghost tour. Well NU, bf and a bunch of friends came and it was held at this old Quarantine station in Sydney. It doesn’t sound spooky but I guess with all the boats coming over to colonise Australia, plenty of people got sick on the way or brought diseases with them. So they had around 500 recorded deaths there but estimate there was more like 1000 (I guess the bookkeeping wasn’t too crash hot back then).

1000 deaths? Ohhh yeah now its sounding spookier :D
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Well we started off giggling in the dark rooms. There were some “who farted?” and “WoOoOoOoOo!” calls in the first building – the gas chambers (no Hitler shit, it was steam and chemicals to fix their influenza hehe).

We’d been out to dinner at a brewery beforehand and decided a couple of drinks would ease the freakout if we saw a ghost. So there was probably more giggling from us predrinkers than the hardcore ghost fanatics. Oh well. The plan didn’t work for me anyway.. NU and I went into a bathroom in the gravediggers house and I saw a black shadow in the bath the size of a person eeeeeeeeeek!!!

I say “uhh NU, do you get bad vibes in here?” and she responds with the classic “aint nobody got time fo dat!” and we get out of there quicksmart. So many bad vibes in that bathroom, it wasn’t a happy room that’s for sure!

We found out later that a psychic said someone had died in the bath. There’s no actual evidence of her claim but at least we weren’t the only ones who felt the bad ju-ju in there!

So fast forward and the last place we go into is a shower block. Its freaky, hands down. The walls are made of tin and there’s rows and rows of showers all with doors front and back. Apparently they’d lock the front door then stand at the back and peep in to make sure they were showering. Pervs! :P

So I was well freaked out at this point (we’d just come from the morgue) and like I had just done in the morgue, I held D’s hand. She’s braver than me! Walking down the rows in almost pitch black was freaky as hell.

At one point we stopped and the guide was talking about what other people have seen and heard in there like how a shower turned on on its own, a bunch of girls on a hens night screamed and ran and then the tour guide told them a) to go and turn the tap off and b) there was no water connected to the showers anymore. WTF. Fuck that shit.

Being all close to D (up against her back and face resting on the back of shoulder) I took the opportunity during this fucked up ghost story to stroke the outside of her thigh, inside of her thigh, then outside her minge. She giggled and said “not here!” Dang. Fair enough. She was more interested in seeing the ghost in there who shared her name. Fuck you, ghost.

We ended up outside and she (and a few brave others) went back inside to wander around on their own. D wanted to see her ghost.

I poked my head in and bfs brother pushed me in and closed the door. I did a ‘I’m getting murdered’ scream in the darkness which probably didn’t help all the other poor sods wandering around on their own. My bad!

There were plenty of little things that happened on the tour, but nothing substantial. It didn’t help that some lady kept claiming to be touched in every building (I’m pretty sure the ghosts wouldn’t always touch the same person).

My hair moved on its own at one point which was weird – I felt it up at the roots, no one was near me, it wasn’t windy and there were no branches nearby that could have touched me. Knowing me I probably had a bug in my hair.

NU’s bf said he felt like someone was walking behind him in the shower block but turned around and nothing was there.

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D had one of those electromagnetic readers and it flashed crazy off its head at one point when her and a friend of mine were in a room away from the group. My friend ran away hahaha.

I mean, it would have been cooler if we all saw a ghost standing in the corner of the room but oh well, we had fun anyway :) And I really wanted to take D back to my hotel room for the night but alas, the universe says no – she was driving a car load of people home and bf and I had the hotel room. I think he’d love a threesome but she’s his brothers very good friend and apparently there’s some sort of bro code regarding that. Sorry fellow feminists, I get out of the bro code and I’m happy about that.. *hides* You all should know how I feel about these stupid ‘rules’ in society by now :P

In conclusion, I got freaked out in spooky buildings and once again got lured towards D’s pussy only to fail. On the plus side, I’m moving back near her in a month so we’ll see what happens..

If you have the opportunity to go on a ghost tour, do it! Most people in our group said they’d seen a ghost and some had seen them but didn’t want to admit it to the group. I remembered after the tour that I once woke up in the middle of the night and thought I saw a little old lady standing in the corner of the room watching bf and I. Freaked me right out! Can’t believe I didn’t remember that till after!

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Bfs mum seems to think her dead grandma opens and closes doors (I’ve seen it happen once) and does footsteps down the hallway so bf wasn’t overly concerned when I told him saying “its probably my great grandma”. So chilled. I could have been dreaming though so I’m sitting on the fence, they might exist, they might not, but I’m open to either option.

Have you had a spooky experience and/or been somewhere haunted?

Rambling Goat

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Cockblocked by my BF

It was at bf’s brother’s bday party. I happened to be hanging out in the front yard with all the family friends and we managed to get the door-bitch duties, with the other brothers being security. I’d never been door-bitch before so had my list and was excited :D It was a good group of peeps and everyone was in a happy mood.
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The first group of people turned up and some of the people weren’t on the list. Uhhhh now what? My dragons vs vaginas friend (who will now be knows as D) took the lead “stand to the side, birthday boy will come out soon and see you but chances are if you’re not on the list, you’re not getting in”. Wooo fiesty! The bunch of girls (struggling on the gravel in heels and tight dresses) called a taxi and left.

Its funny, my first thought was ‘hot chics, the boys would have let them in anyway..’ but I was impressed with her feminist ways. I’d had a party when I was about 16 that was open house while my folks were away. My brother was meant to be security but when it reached the maximum my house could hold comfortably, he kept letting in hot girls. It ended up being broken up by police (the neighbour called them) and the party had gone from 0 to 200+ people in 2 hours.

So D was a good door-bitch. I’m too nice but she had the feistiness to keep us doing the job properly. The other door-bitch was doing a good job too. We started getting drunk and having fun with it. Instead of stamping peoples hands or handing out wristbands, I was armed with a permanent texta and was drawing pretty butterflies on the hands of all the superficial gym-junkie guys hahaha :P
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D had told me we were going to get ‘white girl wasted’ leading up to the party so I took that as interest. She’s bf’s brother’s friend and we’re pretty flirty with each other. I hoped it would be straightforward – I’d get these brats all into the party, close up shop and take her inside to maul her.

Then drugs started working their way around. Ecstacy. Uggghhh ok that was me 11 years ago, but certainly not now.

When I was 17 I would take pills and go to ‘all ages’ raves because I wanted to go out but our legal drinking age is 18. Oh yeah, I found a loop hole :D And my last year I highschool probably wasn’t my finest in regards to actually trying but meh, I had fun and I have plenty of stories.

But yeah, I’ve moved on from drugs. Clearly I’m an alcho now :P I do still take some veryyyy *occasionally* but let me tell you – I haven’t paid for drugs in like 5 years. Its a lot harder to say no when they’re free.. And because they’re free I generally don’t take much (am I helping my cause here?).

So D and I were getting a bit frisky. There were cuddles, hand holding, sitting on each others laps and neck biting again (are we vampires? Haha). I didn’t feel like doing ecstacy so only took a half of a pill (enough to keep me awake and frisky for D but not off my face) and the rest of the door bitches ended up compensating for my lack of enthusiasm. Which resulted in one guy sitting there staring for hours, and bf introducing me to his friend’s wife at least 8 times in a row.

Most of the partygoers were inside at this point. Time to sneak D away!

Then bf’s dad saw bf hanging out the front being off his face and told me to take him in for water. I’m lacking in the sympathy department for shit like this because for someone who doesn’t really do ecstacy, why would you take more than you could handle? Grrr use your brains people! He could have sold his leftovers. I was just about to take D away.. :(

So we ended up back in his man cave/room, I just blatantly kicked out the drunk idiots in there because they were annoying and it was pretty late, chucked bf on the bed, got him water, then laid down next to him checking if he was ok. D came in and laid next to me and cuddled and another friend came in and laid with us. Not sure what bf was doing because he had 3 girls cuddled up to him, giggling and chatting for a good half an hour.

I’d even taken my pants off because I had a sunburnt side of butt from kayaking and it was starting to hurt. A couple of guys wandered in, saw us girls laying there all cuddled up, with me in my undies being the closest to the door, said “woah!”, grinned, quickly grabbed what they were looking for and exited.

Well I *wish* it was an orgy but with D gently stroking me and running her hands through my hair, I fell asleep. Its sad to admit, but its not the first time my body has chosen sleep over sex with a hot girl. My bad.
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I woke up briefly and noticed she was putting soothing gel on my sunburnt butt <3 and the room was full of people casually drinking.

I woke up again later and everyone was gone except that staring guy from out the front earlier was passed out on the couch and bf was wandering around with a drink. Of course he was feeling fine now, that's so typical grrrr!
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So in conclusion, after looking after bf wigging out from too many drugs, I got exhausted and slept instead of kicking everyone out, locking the door and ravaging Miss D on the bed. Sigh. Bf had even told me we could play on his bed, how nice :)

But as it turned out, sex with D, fail 2/2.

Rambling Goat

Footnote: The next day a group of us watched a movie and D and I ended up cuddled up on the couch together. I’m sure we looked all cutesy and I reallyyyy shouldn’t be so cutesy because I want to have some kinky play with her but damn you girls, you make me turn to mush! Treating a potential fwb as a potential gf – this whole thing could end up blowing up in my face :/


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Freaky Anniversary

Sorry guys the ol’ NU and I have been pretty lazy lately (Meh!) and haven’t done many posts but there’s plenty in the making so stay tuned.

I did want to update you though – today is the one year anniversary since we joined WordPress! So a big thanks to all of you oldies for sticking around and hello and welcome to the n00bs.

We’ve got over 200 followers now wtffff!! I can’t believe you all are happy to listen to our nonsense, ramblings and stories! So thankyou, we do appreciate it and it eggs us on to keep going.

In classic RG fashion though, that’s not all..
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NU and I are going on a ghost tour tonight. Friday the 13th peeps!
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So when you read this, I may just be peeing my pants…
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Or trying to capture a ghost with a dustbuster :D
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Rambling Goat


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Is going to an Abortion Clinic a ‘date’?

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I just read Tempest’s post on abortion (a really good read!) and it reminded me about my abortion. Oh yeah, totes got a foetus sucked out of me. Am I scarred from it? No. But my date might have been..

Background info:
*I was depressed
*A cutter
*Taking drugs occasionally (far less than what I used to take though)
*Wrote my car off drink driving
*Was living with a drug dealer

You know, the usual for a 19 year old :P

I’d slept with the druggy flatmate and after his condom came off (I still think wtf at that, what was he wearing – a super jumbo sized one?!) and saying “just keep going” to him, bingo. Pregnant.
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So obviously I didn’t know this at the time, but took the morning after pill anyway (even though it was like 3 mornings after) and figured that was over with.

Meanwhile, around that exact time, a friend of a friend came over and hung out and admitted he wanted to start dating me. I didn’t exactly feel comfortable about telling him but after taking a preggo test, seeing a doc, booking in at a clinic, crunch time came..

I didn’t have a car anymore (plus you shouldn’t drive after the op), the flatmate was working and as far as I can remember had lost his licence or couldn’t get off work or something and guess who wanted to hang out? Oh yeah, this new guy.

I’m truly fucked. I asked if he could take me to get an abortion. Hahahahaha. And he said yes. What a legend.

Not liking babies or the idea of being a mum at this point in time was a bonus because in the waiting room we had a ball. We were laughing and carrying on like two people on a great date. There were death stares and someone may have been sobbing but I couldn’t give two shits. I had zero attachment to my parasite, and this guy was hilarious.

For those thinking I’m a heartless bitch (if you don’t by now, you probably will further into the story..), I’ll say this:

It was absolutely not the right time in my life, atmosphere to raise a baby in and potential co-parent to do this with. I have the choice and I chose what I felt was right, there was no question in my mind. Also it’s legal in Australia so I can have abortion parties with hookers everywhere if I want – the government says its cool.

So a week or so after all this, I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a guitar. WTF. I went out in my living room in my PJs and there was a badass tattooed sexy mofo sitting on my couch playing guitar to my flatmate and friends. Apparently my flatmate found him at a club up the road and he came back to hang out. We got chatting, he was awesome. And he was interested in me!

But uhhh, that first guy..

Heartless bitch move #2: I dumped abortion guy. We hadn’t even had sex. I think we might have kissed but certainly nothing else. Ok yeah, he was a great guy but he wasn’t standout and to put it frankly, I was young. I was chasing whatever caught my interest.

Bad boy just happened to be ‘Ronald’ in this post if you want to know how that budding romance turned out.. Ha! Needless to say, I got more than enough karma.

To this day I still feel the pull to bad boys (and junkies) over good guys. And you’re welcome because it makes for good blogging ammo haha!
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But in an attempt to win you back, I’ll tell you the lessons I’ve learnt:
1. The morning after pill should be taken the morning after.

2. I’m going to adopt kids. Well at least try my hardest to. I guess those who can’t naturally conceive get higher up the list and I get the ‘piss off and do it the natural way’ judgement and get thrown to the bottom of the list.

It took me quite a few years to come to the decision to try and adopt kids though. I can appreciate how hard it would be actually giving birth and handing over your baby straight away in the hopes they’ll have a better life. So I want to give them that good life, the positive upbringing and a loving family.

In my mind it seems more logical to give kids with no family a home rather than ignore them and start my own. I’m just more drawn to kids that already exist than creating my own. Although in saying that, bf said if I have kids with him that he wants a a child that carries his genes on. So that’s all he’s getting from me – one. The rest – adopted :)

3. I will most definitely talk to my kids about birth control and get my future daughters on something substantial. My parents never gave me the contraceptive talk and discussed options. I just relied on condoms (provided the guys had them). So I went from losing my virginity at 18 to getting pregnant at 19. I guess my folks figured I learnt at school but I went to a catholic school, enough said!
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4. 19 year olds are fucked. Give them 1-2 years of being self centred, ignorant, drug riddled little shits and they’ll come back to you sweet as pie when it all passes.

No shame, no regrets folks. Just a pocket full of stories ;)

Rambling Goat

Ps. So according to Wikipedia this is what my little critter would have looked like…
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Except for the small fact that the doctor looked at my charts, said “ok so this is the strange one” to his nurse, then the anaesthetist put the thing over my face and that was the last I heard/remembered. WTF.

Someone earlier had mentioned the possibility of twins (then changed the topic before I could ask more!) but I wouldn’t exactly classify twins as “strange”?

So I’ll never know! Knowing my luck (and the quality of sperm that I was working with), I’m going to go right ahead and assume it had two heads.. Or a backwards head! OR THREE ARMS! :O


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Wanton expressions of lust St. Valentine’s Day part 1a

ramblingg0at:

Forget romance, give me lust!
And if I suddenly get a job in a lingerie store, this will be why.. ;)
Make sure you read the other parts too!

Originally posted on omivore4culture:

St. Valentine’s Day often is though of a a women-focused holiday. After the liberation of my divorce, I strongly disagree. The day presents a wealth of opportunities for men.

The run-up to the day creates opportunities to push boundaries My favorite is shopping

I like to start with lingerie. I start shopping well before I shop with my valentine. Browse the merchandise feeling the fabrics. There are advantages and disadvantage to each.

Lace is pretty, but can be rough, which can be bad or very very good. I prefer natural fabrics. My favorite is silk charmeuse.

The purpose is not only to select something you can enjoy with your valentine but to befriend the staff. You are here not only to buy gifts but to assure that they will fit.

Sometimes friendly staff volunteers to model for you …

The latest time this happened for me was at a larger…

View original 171 more words

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