Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Because you’re worth it

To add to the conquest list, this douche comes in at number 13. I’ve already blogged about him, so I’m just going to link to this post so you know the deal.

Moral of the story is that it was yet another one night stand that stuck around like a bad smell, mind fucking me for about 3 years.

Why do I fuck so many assholes?

Nonsense unicorn

Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

We accept the love we think we deserve.

 

Ah, Perks of Being a Wallflower,  how your words run true.  Why is it that so many people find themselves in relationships that destroy them?  I know it’s never as simple as the above quote,  but I really wonder why sometimes.  And many of us let our hearts me imprinted with soot and poo in these destructive relationships.  Even me, once (or twice.  I know, right?!)

Is it truly a reflection of how we view ourselves from within?

My heart went through quite an arduous journey at the hands of a fool, once upon a time.  What was meant to be a one night stand turned into a tumultuous 3 year affair.  In the beginning it was all good,  after the initial one night stand we ended up meeting again for another night of frivolity.  Which then turned into fortnightly meet…

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Stink Dick

It was the season of 21sts and the single period after Cherry and I broke up. I was at that stage of being over the heartache and not really giving a crap about guys, just getting drunk and having a good time.

I’m at a friends costume party dressed as a dog, and something something who knows how it happened but I end up sleeping with this guy. Let’s call him SD.

Side note: wtf is with picking up guys when dressed up? And I’m not talking about the slut version of costumes, I had freakin black spots painted on my face. Perhaps a closet furry?

Anyway, so it kind of turned in to a one night stand that wouldn’t go away and somehow turned into a relationship. A quite mundane and boring relationship. I think it was the epitome of a rebound, no feeling but it fills the time kind of thing.

We would do relatively boring things – eat dinner and then fuck in my car. He never focused on making me cum (don’t think I ever did? Not worth remembering).

And OMG he had stink dick. Like, how can you be 21 with stink dick? Do you even shower? And I actually put that thing inside me. Gross. But at the time I was young and thought perhaps it was normal or something .


6 months down the track I was somewhat looking for an excuse to break up with him (the dude wore skinny jeans for jeebus sakes!) Luckily, he went away for a weekend  with friends and one of my bfs was part of the crowd. She caught him fucking this known slag and let me know.

Who would have thought that cheating could bring so much elation, but there we were. So I was at work and couldn’t wait until I finished. I texted him to come meet me and dumped him there. Dumb ass denied it the whole time which made it so much easier, because dude you were caught red handed.

He lost a unicorn for one night with a hippo. 

Conquest count: 12

Nonsense unicorn


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A few filler fellas

Or a few filler fucks, but perhaps that’s a bit too crass for a heading. Also, How’s that for alliteration! Anyway, I thought I would get back to my conquest list.

There are a couple that are just not full blog worthy, so I thought I would just provide a quick list of some of the conquests that I can remember.

Sharing is caring: RG’s Ex

After the douche that broke my esteem, I was feeling terribly down and shitty about myself and just wanted to crawl up in a hole and die. Believing that no guy would want to touch me ever again if I was truly as disgusting as douche wad made me out to be.

So RG being the good friend she is said I should totally hit up her ex for a good time to help. And so I did.

Probably one of the most hilarious and awkward things I have done!


Two boring jack hammers

Then there are two guys from school that ended up as drunken screws. Nothing exciting, too drunk and no self esteem to care, ended up back at their place to be a starfish to their jack hammer. Walk of shame in the morning.


I didn’t know it at the time as I didn’t know them well enough, but apparently they both had girlfriends so I was unknowingly the “other woman” for a night. What jerks.

And that brings us to the double digits….

Nonsense unicorn

Conquest count: 11


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Loves of my Life

I reckon we experience a lot of different loves in our lifetimes, as we fumble through on the eternal search for that one sparkly human that lights up your world.

I thought I would share a couple of the stories of the loves I have experienced in my 29 years of being.

The Star Crossed Love

I was 16 years old (cue Benny Mardones here) and on a family holiday overseas to the mother land to meet family. Days spent hanging out on a farm, one of my cousins mates was interested in me and a love bloomed.


It was kinda disgusting how text book it was – it first started when he asked me to go to a town dance where we waltzed together and later kissed under the moonlight.

Followed by 6 weeks of moonlight picnics and day trips to town eating 6 ice creams just to prolong the time we were spending together.

He spoke broken English and my understanding of the language was crappy, but somehow we connected and made it work.

Unfortunately due to the problem of me living a million miles away, we were torn apart at the end of the holiday, looking out the back window in tears as I saw the love of my life slowly fade in to the distance. We wrote love letters for a while but that slowly faded away.

My parents went over there not long ago. He is married with a kid now, but apparently when he gets drunk he still talks about me. 

The First Real Boyfriend

The cherry was my first real relationship. You know, proper dating and waiting a month to screw.

It lasted about 2.5 years but probably 1.5 years too long. I was in love, but I guess it was one of those things where you are more in love with being in a relationship than actually having a real deep connection.

I was hurt when it ended, but in retrospect it was more of an ego bruising than heartbreak.

The One that got away


I was so in love with the Watermelon for a very long time. Read the hyperlink for the whole story, but he was always that guy that (maybe I totally imagined it) like there was some kind of magnet there, but for some reason just never went anywhere. It was never meant to be, but I pined for so long.

We hooked up twice (no sex) which still stand as some of the sexiest moments I’ve had, as well as some of the most romantic (Nights in White Satin will always remind me of him).

I stepped away from our friendship to distance myself, and now he’s on his way to becoming a priest, so that probably says a lot about the situation.

Although I’ve been over it for a very long time, I still can’t help but wonder if there was anything there for him too. I guess I will never know.

The Lie


I spent a good three years of my life begging a fool to love me. It was through this experience that I actually learnt what real love is and that the right person will go the hard yards with you and that you are worth it.

Dumb mother fucker professed his love for me when I stopped seeing him when I met the Boy. Too little too late doy.

The Real Deal


And that brings me to The Boy today. Almost five years of up and down, and heck who knows if this is a forever deal, but at least I know that we have gone through a lot of waves and still something keeps us connected.

We have respect for each other, we get each other, we fight for each other. That’s pretty sweet for now.
And there’s the loves of my life. What’s yours?

Nonsense unicorn 


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Hoecember sexcapades

Also could be called the one that was almost illegal but luckily wasn’t. Phew!

When we were 21 (or 22 I forget) RG and I embarked on a glorious adventure across the border for Hoecember. If you haven’t already gathered by the title,  the main goal of this trip was to have some fun and just see where each night took us, if you know what I mean… The room we were in even had a separate bedroom to be the shag pad hahaha!


So we sign up for one of those Pub Crawl group things where you pay $20 or some crap like that and they take a group of you around to the best pubs and you meet people and whatever.

One of the guys in the group was a super hot tanned English Boy with blonde speckled hair. Me being the awkward self conscious lamebo I am was super surprised that he bought me a drink and talked to me, when he clearly had his pick of anyone!

So I hook up with English Boy, and RG hooks up with the pub crawl team leader guy. From what I remember RG left before me back to the shag pad.

I think we went down to the beach and stuff and things ensued, but seriously, sex on the beach is not as glamorous as people make it out to be! The sand was annoying so we left.

English Boy and I go back to our hotel and go skinny dipping in the pool out front. Little did I know that RG had already done exactly the same thing not too long before we got there, so the owner lady came out and started yelling at us, laughing we grab our clothes and sprint naked and soaking wet down the street.

Still makes me lol that I’ve done that hahaha.

After some time we head back to the room and stuff and things ensue. From what I remember it was pretty alright! Surprising for the queen of awkward.

Blah blah on our last night we had a flight home at 6am, so instead of sleeping we decided to party and then go straight to the airport. English Boy and I meet up again, and RG meets a Russian dude.

All four of us end up back in the room, and somehow we all end up naked in bed eating ice blocks. Funniest memory ever.

Seediest plane ride ever and I’m pretty sure I vomited once we landed, but it was totally worth It.

Afterwards I add English Boy on Facebook only to discover he only just turned 18! What a liar he totally said he was 22…. At least he was hot and I can tick an Englishman off the list.
Conquest count: 8


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The Micro Sailor

I totally forgot about my conquest count! Not that it’s that riveting anyway, but here is a short tale about a short tail… Pun intended….

The Micro Sailor

I guess it’s cool that I can tick fucking a sailor off the Sucket list, but as usual it was a drunken awkward encounter.

Sailor boi was a friend of a friend, and one drunken evening with RG and others I somehow got pushed along to go back to his place. From what I remember he was pretty alright so I was all yeah why not. Fuck it.

So we go back to his place and starts doing stuff and things, and ermagherd his slug was… Well, the size of a slug.


Now let me say that I have never ever been the kind of girl to care about peen size because for one, guys can’t help what size they have, and I always assumed you can still have a good time so who cares right?!

But in this case, it was so awkward cos as he as flailing on top of me I seriously didn’t know if it was in yet, and I didn’t know if he thought it was in or not but I just kinda went with it…


It was really awkward…. On the plus side at least I could pretend to be good at deep throat cos he didn’t set off my gag reflex…

The next morning I walk of shamed to a taxi home that cost me $150 cos the ass took a long ass route home. It’s a bit sad that I remember that fact and not the sailors name, huh?

Conquest count: 7

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Facebook Politics

I have a strange relationship with Facebook. On one hand I hate it and the stupid shit people say and do on there as keyboard warriors- but on the other hand it is just so entertaining when I don’t want to think about stuff and things.

So yes I am on there, but I’m also trying to get my friend list down to under a hundred (up to 160 at the moment). Because I don’t want acquaintances and people that I don’t like or who don’t actually see me or like me being on there.

I also have bouts of impulse when I get pissed off I just delete people off my Facebook. Like the boys family for example. I’m not the biggest fan of his siblings – they’re generally the kind to have their noses in the air looking down on people beneath them which isn’t my cup of tea.

So the boy pissed me off the other night and in a drunken stupor I deleted all of his family off my Facebook. Because alcohol makes everything more dramatic, right? His sister noticed I deleted her and commented about my impulsiveness to the boy who is now upset that I have done so.

Yeah okay so I kinda sorta see how it could be seen as making a comment about my feelings on them and “causing drama” and whatever. But seriously, it’s Facebook. Get over it. They don’t talk to me other than at family gatherings, so why should they even care? What, the superficial friend tag on a website is more important than real human interaction? 

If they actually cared about being “connected” to me, then send me a fucking text or phone call or give any sign that you give a shit other than the forced niceties due to our mutual interest in the boy.

No? Don’t want to do that? Well I don’t want to either, so what’s the Big deal about the Facebook thing?

Boy sees it as me continually making a definitive line between me vs his family, which I can’t help but do. They are not my family, I have my family. They are his family and I’m glad to have it that way. Which is hypocritical, as my family treats him as one of their own…. But that’s because we are way cooler! Lol…. But it’s also because my family actually make an effort to welcome him, where as his family looks down on me as a pleb which he denies but is so the truth.

Anyway.

Seriously, Facebook politics.