Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


Dick Phobia

I suppose dick phobia is an actual thing so big apologies to those that have ended up here thinking I’m legitimately scared of dicks. If it makes you feel better though, I do *kind of* have issues in the ‘loving penile’ department. You see, I only love some.

[For my actual list of phobias, amuse yourself here]

I’m not sure what creates this dick interest (and disinterest) with people but when I’m interested, I’m addicted – I want it in my mouth, rubbed all over my face, I want to be face fucked until I gag and I want to provide ‘stress relief’ without any attention given back to me (although getting a “good girl” is kind of the greatest thing ever).

When I’m not interested, I don’t want to put my mouth near it, look at it, touch it and I only want it used for penetration. It’s a strange phenomenon.

Although you may think this is a bad thing for the men that miss out, it just shows that we’re not clones. We’re all different with different levels and types of attraction. And the lesson to be learnt here is that there’s someone for everyone.

Conveniently I’ve got two male play partners – one I’m cock-hungry for (who loves it) and the other I’m disinterested in (but he is more interested in being pussy-obsessed anyway). One I want in my mouth all the time (can I just fall asleep with it in there?) and the other I’ve had interactions with on/off for a year and have NEVER GIVEN A BJ. One uses and abuses me (but I love it) and as far as I can recall, has never given me oral (and the fact that I can’t remember a definitive yes or no shows that it’s of little to no importance in our relationship). The other worships my body, giving me multiple orgasms and sending me to subspace regularly. Give/take/take/give. It’s perfectly opposite and I love it :)

But back to this semi-phobia.. I think it started when I went to give a guy a bj once and he had a sweaty dick. It was foul. I wanted to vomit his disgusting lack of hygiene all over his face. But instead, I smiled, gagged internally and changed what we were doing immediately. Three second blowjob, deal with it you sweaty prick! Thanks to that, I’m a big advocate on cleanliness of your nether regions. Don’t underestimate the amazing invention called baby wipes! It’s courtesy people!

As a mainly monogamous society we seem to expect one partner to tick all the boxes, sexual and otherwise. Well the reality is maybe they won’t and that’s totally ok, we’re all individuals with different thoughts and feelings.

If you have a partner who is somewhat pussy or dick phobic and you want more attention though, I do believe that you can reevaluate the way you approach this. Communication, non-judgement, understanding and mild encouragement without putting pressure on someone goes a long way. Also becoming a seductress doesn’t hurt!

But if you’re poly or open like me, appreciate the differences in people and you’ll find it advantageous :)

Rambling Goat


Duck Quacks Don’t Echo

I have a new favourite show.. Just kidding, it’s still a tie between Archer and Adventure Time. But I *have* found this interesting English show called Duck Quacks Don’t Echo. So because I’ve been slack with the posts lately (so many drafts, need to finish, arrggghhh), I’ll entertain you with some facts that are scientifically proven on the show.

1. Laughing 100 ‘ha’s’ (fake or real) burns more calories than using an exercise bike for 10 mins.
Laughing = effective exercise.
Machine gun laughter (hahahaha) = more exercise than a drawn out laugh (haaaaaa).

2. Blue eyed people have a higher tolerance to alcohol. In saying this, they end up spending more money on alcohol to keep up with the brown eyed people, and end up doing more damage to their body.

3. Redheads have a higher tolerance to pain. Non redheads have a gene that blocks the self medicating morphine-like boost, whereas redheads get the boost and feel less pain.

4. Just to make us all feel better, there’s one area of the body that doesn’t feel pain due to the small amount of nerves located there. Think you know where it is? It’s that flap of skin on your elbow that sticks out when you straighten your arm. Pinch it and see if it hurts!

5. If you still want to try and get close to the redhead pain tolerance, swearing when you injure yourself actually decreases the pain.

Now if like me, you’re kind of bored and just want to hear some random useless (or I dare say, useful!) information, all you need is like 2 mins here, but be warned that the ‘Fact Finder’ sections are from the studio audience and not all of them are true (but most are!).

Today just hit hectic on the randomness scale! Enjoy.

Rambling Goat


I’m an asshole

Reading Jonny’s blog about people assuming he’s a skinhead made me think about the way that people superficially judge others and reminded me of an interaction that happened to me recently.

To preface, I am somewhat a “girly girl” – you know, flowers, dresses and makeup and all that pink stuff.

So with that, I can already imagine the boxes that people would put me in just by looking at me. They think they’ve got you all figured out with one look at your cleavage.

Exhibit A: the other week I was out at a hens party, waiting at the bar for my round of drinks when I am approached by a slightly older dude. It goes like this…

Dude: you look like a lovely young lady. I assume someone like you is happy married…
NU: unfortunately you are sorely mistaken.
Dude: ha no, I think you’re lovely! What’s your name?
NU: nah mate, sorry to fool you but I’m actually a pretty big dick.
Dude: haha what do you mean?!
NU: you know, I’m an asshole. A big one. May this be a lesson in judging book covers my friend.
*walks away with my drinks*

Yep, I am one big asshole. My floral headband, velour lips and a line dress would say otherwise though. And so too many times men are fooled by my attire into thinking I’m some meek dainty thing.


 Let’s bake cookies for the boys!

Nope. Wrong. I. Am. A. Dick. And I ain’t got no time for your games.

Moral of the story: you know what I’m gonna say ūüėĀ
Nonsense unicorn 


Becoming a Seductress 101

Women tend to forget what they’re capable of sometimes. We hold a ton of power in how sex pans out – the effort you give out to seduce beforehand is somewhat indicative of the sex that will follow.

I say somewhat because there’s obviously other factors like experience, confidence, skill, sexual chemistry, relationship styles etc that affect this. For the sake of keeping the post a reasonable size though, lets keep it super basic and generalised:

No seduction, ‘meh’ attitude -> Possible disinterested partner.
Becoming a sexy tease seduction goddess -> Chances are you’re going to be mauled.

Ok so not everyone thinks they’re capable of seducing people but consider this a nudge of encouragement in the right direction. You are totally capable of becoming the master of tease and seduction, you just need to put the effort in. It’s so worth the effort to hear an audible moan or grunt of sexual approval. Knowing that they want you so badly that they cant help but make a noise? Daaamn thats sexy. And also a massive confidence boost ;)

And for you hetero men, before I lose your interest in this post, remember:
a) To let your missus know that being seduced is very sexy (we don’t always need words, a growl/moan/grunt or obvious hard-on is quite ok). We need to be encouraged by your reaction to do it again sometime.
b) It doesn’t just have to be a woman doing the seducing. Dressing smart, being clean and smelling good will all be steps in the right direction. As will using a vacuum (plenty of us find men doing housework sexy reow!! ;) ).

Let’s start with a question for both genders – have you ever watched a David Attenborough doco and seen birds doing a mating dance?

Now think – do YOU do a mating dance? Wearing tracky dacks on the couch and spilling food down your front is not a mating dance, just so we’re clear :P Most animals have a certain way of attracting a mate and we too can do a ‘mating dance’.

So how to switch the seduction goddess on?
*Shower – Use nice-smelling body lotion/soap/shampoo/conditioner (fruity, vanilla etc). There’s intimate wash gels for your region that keep the pH levels where they should be and keep you smelling good down south.
*Hair removal – ok some men like hair (I was talking to someone today who loves long armpit hair) but if your partner doesn’t, get out the hedging shears and clip that wild beast back.
*Lingerie – we don’t think we look all that fantastic in it but on face value, it is designed to look good. And it does. Ask your partner if you don’t believe me :P
*Heels – There’s just something about them that makes us feel womanly and sexy, right?
*Dimmed lights – did everyone just get a bit sexier? Bright lights make me think I’m in a club at 3am when the ‘ugly’ lights come on. Not cool bro, not cool.

This will all help with an important (but not actually *necessary*) aspect:
As will this.

If you’ve now got this part sorted and want to move to the next step, let’s just say ‘Becoming a Seductress 201’ involves toys and/or kink. How about putting a blindfold on your partner? Or get out some whipped cream.

Explore and enjoy you sexy seductresses!

Rambling Goat


Life as a people phobe

Social anxiety (or what I prefer to call “hermit hoboness”) is a pickle of a dickle to live with. It’s this thing that looms over you and squelches your heart into palpitations when faced with the prospect of *gasp* interacting with humans.

Let me give you a low down on the things that are normal for most but are sucky or terrify me.

Phone calls bring pain

I hate talking to people on the phone. It’s painful. The stress of not being able to hear them, or understand Them, or talk to someone I don’t know. Ergh.

Every ring gives me a heart attack and I battle to decide whether to answer the phone or not.

Hence why my phone is always on silent.  Or I just leave it upstairs Рout of sight out of mind.

The dreaded greeting hug

What is with everyone and their need to physically touch me?

Can’t a wave suffice? Thumbs up perhaps?

The worst is when it’s a hug kiss combo. Why not through acid in my eyes too?!?


Friends scare me

You would think that you should feel comfortable around your friends and be yourself, yeah? Not for me. Even with the best of friends, I still get incredibly apprehensive meeting them and hanging out.

Even having a good time makes my face ache.

Meeting new people is torture

Why not just lock me up in an iron maiden covered in my own feces instead?

Meeting people turns me into a deer in headlights – I just freeze and want to die. We met some blogger friends who can probably attest to me being as exciting as a limp lemur on morphine. Can’t. Deal. With. Newness. Ugh.

Not to mention having to remember new names, and then you forget their name and then you die.

New people + the greeting hug = certain death

Pretty sure murder is evil, soooo….. if you haven’t known me for 28 years then don’t touch me or you will have a spontaneously combusted corpse to clean off your shoes.

Everybody hates me

Because the situation is so stressful, you overthink every single thing and come to the conclusion that you suck and everybody hates you and WHY DID YOU COME OUT OF YOUR CAVE?

Omg you said something and no one responded – THEY THINK YOU SUCK.

Does that chick have dirt in her eye? NOPE SHE HATES YOU YOU CREEPY FUCKER.

It’s near impossible to just chillax and not be thinking about every single move you make so that you don’t implode and die.

…………aaaaaand I just got turkey slapped.


Lost my spot now – so YEAH there’s an insight into the world of social anxiety. ¬†So next time you judge someone for being quiet, or boring, or creepy, just take a moment to think about what kind of internal battle may be going on.

Nonsense Unicorn



Pleb Life

Due to our fancy shmancy writings on here many would assume that we are high rolling rich cats. Well, let me let you in on a little secret: we’re totes not.

It’s true my friends, your friendly neighbourhood Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn are one step away from being frothy hobos on the street – or what we like to prefer, plebs.

But the pleb life is not as bad as you would think. On the contrary, it can be quite amusing as your lack of cash forces you to find cheaper and better forms of entertainment. As someone wise (and probably rich and famous) once said:

Its better to be poor in wealth but rich in spirit 

And rich in spirit we are (and not only due to the vodka).

So here is a list of some of the great and fulfilling benefits of living the pleb life.

Innovative ways to get drunk

  • Going to a music festival and don’t want to pay $10 for a mid strength beer? Just bury some bottles of grog under a tree a few days before and boom! You have a nice dirty hole of alcohol goodness to supply you for the day.
  • Sit in a park with a $5 bottle of wine and laugh at all the passers by and how sneaky you are for drinking in public.
  • Once I put alcohol in a Maccas cup and went to the Ivy (some Lame fancy nightclub). Spent five dollars the whole night. Boom!

You learn that noodles are life


Who needs to go out when you have board games

Screw nightclubs when you can sit at home in your onesie and ply board games. Or cards. There’s so many of them to choose from!

Pets provide constant and free amusement

Once I watched my guinea pigs eat grass for two hours and never got bored.


What are some of the things you do to live up the pleb life?


I’m Not In Love

I’m not in love, so don’t forget it. It’s just a silly phase I’m going through…

Sitting upstairs trying to listen to a disgusting statistics tutorial,  I hear my  bellowing and heavily depressed boyfriend downstairs on the phone crying to his mother:

“I love her but I’m not in love with her”.

My heart sinks. ¬†The computer screen seems to zoom out and blur as my chest begins to contort rapidly against invisible ropes,¬†a swelling lump of dread scratching the back of my tongue and choking me. ¬†Woah, for a perpetually numb and stone walled individual this feeling is intense. ¬†Too bad it’s full of the usual melancholic stress and demise.

We have been having our problems lately, and we’re both aware of that. ¬†He is fucking depressed and crippled with anxiety, and I’m so pro at depression I’m like a walking ghost that no one knows the wiser is merely an empty shell. ¬†We’re like two blind frogs trying to stay on the same lily pad together. ¬†We have discussed this, we know life is shit yadda yadda, but we also decided that we love each other too much and it’s worth fighting for and all that crap.

And then I hear this.

The typical girl inside me wrote a note on a post it, took it down to him and gave it to him, storming back up to the study to pretend like I was learning about numbers and shit.

I can hear everything.

His phone call ends and, crying, he follows me up. ¬†Oblivious and in a stupor to what he could have possibly said. ¬†I couldn’t tell if it was denial and an¬†awww shiiit how do I cover this or actual cluelessness.

“What did I say? I was talking to my mum,” he wails.

“Oh, that you love me but you’re not¬†in love¬†with me. ¬†Fine. Make a fool of me. ¬†I’m done”. ¬†The ropes constricting my frail rib cage even more.

“What?! I said I love you! ¬†Mum said that being in love with someone is the honeymoon when you first meet and then things change. ¬†That’s what – we aren’t in the honeymoon period anymore.”

Hoooooooold up a minute.  My head is going whack.  My concepts and contexts of what is love are getting all muddled up.

Yeah I know relationships change, the honeymoon period ends, things turn into a roller coaster, but I always thought it was the being IN love with someone that made it worth all while.

Does being in love just constitute that honeymoon period?

Aren’t ¬†you meant to be in love the whole time? ¬†Or is it just a temporary destination?

If you fall out of the honeymoon phase, have you fallen out of love?

Because, to me, I love many a thing.

I love my parents.

I love my friends.

I love my pets.

I love schnitzel.

I love lamp.

But it is that special, heart burning up love that tethers me to this fool.

If he is not in love with me, then what is this? ¬†Cos if I get a schnitzel I don’t like then I just don’t eat it – I ain’t gonna take the time to make a gravy to make it taste better. ¬†I’ll just get a new schnitzel.

He doesn’t get why I am distressed and upset at this. ¬†Am I missing something here?

Does “romantic love” exist not being “in” love?


nonsense unicorn


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