Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

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I wiggled my butt to a male stripper.

If you haven’t checked out Jake Butler’s blog True Confessions of a Male Stripper, then get out from under your rock and get over there!

I was lucky enough to get a ‘hi’ from Jake on Fetlife, convinced him to blog his hilarious and shocking stories and we have been in close contact ever since. A few days ago I got to meet him for the first time..

He had picked a discreet table at the back of a bar in Sydney in case our conversation turned kinky (of course it was going to!). I also didn’t (and still don’t) have his number, was going to meet him alone and had no phone battery. There was potential that I was going to be stabbed but honestly I was kind of ok with that. My life is pretty shit at the moment so being stabbed didn’t sound *that* bad. It would be an interesting day either way – I’m either going to be losing liquid or consuming liquid (blood/beer). But also, we talk everyday and my intuition said he was awesome.

My intuition was right :D And liquid (this time urine) actually became a major issue.. More on that later LOL.

So I was late (what’s new), hadn’t eaten and needed to charge my phone pretty bad. He just sat there calmly with the beer he’d bought for me and listened to my nonsense (which included showing him a glass jar with a felt heart in it). He grinned and said I’m exactly like he thought I would be.

Well good! I hope.. Sidenote: I don’t just carry round that heart everyday hoping I can show it to new people, it was my bday present for NU. True story. We’re big fans of the show Oddities so I did a cute version. If you have no idea what I’m talking about – it’s cool bro, I’m moving on with the story!

I got him to search around the table for a power point to charge my phone. He totally did because even though he’s super professional looking and sounding, he wanted to help this insane girl.

I’m not too sure how much to give away as he has to keep his anonymity but to the ladies who are interested, let me rave on about how lovely he is! I’m also going to rub it in that I got to meet him (ner ner!) – I’m not one of those cool bloggers that somehow manages to meet people with crazy awesome jobs. My latest claim to fame was a guy who wanted me to trample him. I never did get around to doing that (he’s got a bit of a serial killer vibe, so it’s probably best I don’t)..

I also never hang with men in suits – I have a bit of an ‘us’ vs ‘them’ mentality which needs to be remedied.. Do clean men like dirty girls? Dirty as in actual dirt – I’m a tradeswoman, not some unhygienic crazy cat lady hoarder (although this could very well be me in the future..).

Anyway, Jake was very nice on the eyes, ears (he’s got an accent tehee!) and brain. He could be nice on the nose but I didn’t exactly sniff the guy to check – act normal RG, act normal! :P
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We had a couple of drinks, I scoffed down some fries and then fetlife was mentioned. Hmmm.. We needed to choose a fake name for it in case people were listening so at the same time I said “banana”, he said “cucumber”. Wow, awkward phallus moment. It all went downhill (in a good way) from there. Apparently I swirled my chip in circles in the aioli when ‘threesomes’ came up in conversation. We possibly needed another fruit to cover that convo up but I forgot anyone was around me, I was too busy picturing threesomes ;)

At some point I wiggled my butt to him which again was another one of those ‘not sure why I did that but I did, so deal with it’ moments. I realised my jeans actually made my butt look heaps flat (thanks you stupid wall of mirrors) so to the untrained eye it probably just looked like I was standing there. Again, Jake wasn’t phased by my insanity, he just grinned and drank his drink. In hindsight, I probably should have asked to see his version. OMG jake – can you twerk? :D

Well our time was up and ever the gentleman, he escorted me to the train station. Enter my liquid problem.

Again, hindsight, why didn’t I pee before I left?? Now I was sitting on a rocking train with a pint and schooner worth of beer in my bladder. I’ve got a bladder of steel normally but maybe the fries were pushing on my bladder? I sent him a text laughing about my dilemma (not literally or I totally would have wet myself). I was rocking like someone with a mental disorder but thankfully only one woman (sitting next to me) could see.

Apparently at this moment, I also felt the need to msg my bf:
Going to piss myself on the train

Pretty straightforward. No need to beat around the bush. Then I got out at Central station as I had to change trains and legged it to the toilets. Don’t worry, I again updated bf:
Update toI let St central closed
Going to other ones fooouuurrrrccckkk

It sounds pretty drunk but thats ‘about to piss myself’ mixed with ‘tipsy’ and thankyou, yes, it was an achievement to also multitask into that scenario ‘msging a running commentary to bf’.

I did get a msg back in case you’re wondering. It said ‘Ok’. For the record, ‘Ok’ msgs shit me but I completely understand there’s nothing else you could possibly say in this situation. So, fair enough.

Well I didn’t end up pissing myself (Huzzah!). I was over trains by this point though and running pretty late, so I got a taxi. I made it to my next destination, caught up with friends, drank more, hung out with a family member and then of course this story is going to end strangely – I made my bf’s brother choke me (“it’s relaxing!”) while we were cuddled up and sleeping on the train trip home. He didn’t seem phased and just wrapped his arm around my neck like a tight, murderous hug. Thanks bro!

I’m just going to go ahead and say that I’ve got some caring, patient, accepting and super awesome friends and I feel pretty lucky in that respect. Friends are totally underrated :)

Rambling Goat


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The 101 on Unco People

I am incredibly uncoordinated by nature. You know, the type to trip over flat surfaces or miss my mouth when I go to take a drink (happens more times than you would think).

My life is essentially a 50/50 on either doing something really well or stuffing up like a blind panda on crack (best. Simile. Ever).

Now this is not to say that I’m ditzy or lack common sense – I am usually quite well aware of processes and rationality and blah blah – but sometimes my brain just malfunctions like a Windows Vista PC and I do something like put onions in boiling hot oil (the recipe said so dammit, how was I to know they would start spitting everywhere?!)

I totally get that as a bystander to my malfunctioning moments one would get quite frustrated and want to bang their head against the wall at the seemingly lack of intelligence that exudes during these times. I get that feeling every day on the road when some noob doesn’t know how to use their blinkers ir drive 30km below the limit (but that’s another story).

BUT, does frustration always necessarily have to equate to condescension?

You can pull me up for my mistake in a constructive way, but don’t make me feel smaller than an ant poo about it. That shit ain’t fly.

So here’s the moral of the story my friends: you either accept your fello brethren for their shortcomings or you GET THE FUCK OUT.

  
Nonsense Unicorn


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Poo-Brain Round 2

Read #1 first

1. Sleeping and/or being tired consumes your day. You’ve slept in till mid morning (or even lunch/after lunch), bum around doing nothing then want to hop back into bed for an early night. Who invented beds and couches?? Theyre soooo soft and comfy.

Rainbow:
‘Beauty sleep’ is a thing right? I’m sure if I wore nice clothes and brushed my birds nest hair I’d look alright.. Funnily enough I watched Sleeping Beauty last night, more on that later..

Oh and don’t forget all the potential dangers you’ve avoided by being in bed for 20 of the past 24 hours:
*Car accidents
*Leprosy
*Being attacked by a rabid wolf
Feel free to make up more in your mind.

2. People seemingly don’t understand. I’ve been called lazy and had people joke about what I have (or more likely – haven’t) done all day. I’ve also had people give me chores or errands to run for them like as if I can’t think of anything to occupy my time and should be thankful for their suggestions. Then there’s the ones who say “aw cheer up!” who you want to punch in the face.

Rainbow:
People never understand us anyway. Like when I eat a piece of raw potato, or reel back in horror at seeing someone wiggle their toes. It’s just another day really where I’m apparently a weirdo and everyone else is ‘normal’. Truth is, everyone’s a weirdo if you analyse it long enough. o.O

3. The sunshine is nice and all but today I’m not leaving my room/house. There’s birds chirping and flying around all happy (you assume – your blinds are closed) and you think ‘yay good for you, I’d get up and look but meeehhhh’. If you have to go outside, everything suddenly seems more brighter.

Rainbow:
The sun is going to be around for billions of years, I’m pretty sure skipping a few days of hanging out in the sun is fine. I mean really, office workers kind of miss out on a whole bunch of sun so just pretend your bedroom is your office and staring at a wall is your work.

Also, staring into the sun burns your retinas so you’ve lengthened the life of them by not going out there and accidently staring at bright stuff. Yay for eyes working goodly!

4. You get tunnel vision, keep your eyes down and/or don’t make eye contact with people unless you need to.

Rainbow:
Sometimes it’s not worth your effort to look at things. Yeah looking at stuff is cool and all but sometimes people say “omg look at that!!”, you look and it’s something shit like a kid feeding a seagull. WASTE OF EYE MOVEMENT.

Now for those of you wondering what increases poo-brain to a high level, let me give you a snippet of 3-4 hours of my life.. Don’t worry I’ve somehow managed some rainbows at the end (so I feel I’m totally allowed this rant).

Yesterday after I did the first poo-brain post, I got in bed, put on Sleeping Beauty and then had 3 different occasions where people called my name and banged on my door all crazy-like. I had 10 calls in a row at one point and someone barged into my room. What did they want?

*One lot of repeated banging was to tell me there was an ambulance and 2 cop cars at the oval (there were a bunch of soccer games happening) – WTF do I look like I care? My door is locked and I’m in bed at 4:30pm. Zero. Fucks. Given.

*The 10 phone calls was one of the boys who had asked me to go buy groceries so he could make dinner – how about no. I’d already sent a msg saying I wasn’t doing it.

*More repeated banging which I stupidly fell for, I had a phone shoved in my face and again, it was about the groceries – I’m not a fucking slave, DIY dickhead, I’m in bed.

*More repeated banging which I refused to get up for. I yelled out “please leave me alone”. The groceries were done and the same inconsiderate douche was banging on my door because he wanted to store stuff in my fridge – There’s a huge fridge in the house, so I’m not stupid enough to fall for that.

*The bf came in to get ready for a shower and his nan barged in, hugged me, gave me $100 because for 3 weeks solid work (including weekends) I’ve so far been paid $30. Not sure if you count 2 pairs of shoes (one from an op shop, and one suspiciously the same size, style and brand as what one of the boys wears) and some beer as payment too.. That whole situation is probably worth another post.

Anyway, then she started talking to bf (in front of me) about how the renovation has stressed me.
WRONG. Take the people out of here and living in this house and doing the work I’m doing would be glorious. That old bag is solely responsible for about 40% of my stress. Drama is a hobby to her, in fact, it’s literally her only hobby.

Rainbow:
I’m moving out. Fully don’t care where I go, a cardboard box would be better than this place.

Update:
Ok the douche brother apologised and is shouting me drinks tonight so I’m now on a train on the way to the city. Their mum also just told me she’s giving me $500 when it gets in to her bank. And I just got a call about a job (even though I literally just applied to be a firefighter – random huh!) so today is turning out to be a hell of a lot better than yesterday :D

Rambling Goat


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I’ve got Poo-Brain.

I’m not living in the most ideal environment for rainbows. There are a lot of stressful and frustrating situations on a daily basis that I can’t escape from. I have no moment where I can sit and chill out without being disturbed. Well, except the bathroom, but even then I get the cold water treatment if I’ve been in the shower too long (bfs nan + tank water, pretty self explanatory..).

Anyway, I’ve been getting depressive symptoms again. And this is going to sound strange but I’m actually happy I’ve had full blown depression before because now I can recognise symptoms and try to stop/minimize it’s growth. I imagine if I didn’t have experience with it, I would be pretty confused with my emotions and crazy thoughts right now. It’s a scary place.

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Yes, everyone’s different, depression sufferers have different levels and variations on their disease and everyone deals with things in different ways. I’m lucky this time that my symptoms aren’t every day and it’s not too bad, I can still laugh at myself and socialise if need be. I know tomorrow will be better if today is a write off.

Today is just one of those depression poo brain days though so I’m going to look at some lamebos and try to turn them into rainbows..

1. Everything seems like such a massive effort;  getting out of bed, cooking toast, getting dressed, communicating with people etc.

Rainbow:
Little things are still an achievement, so we should be proud! Moving from the bed to the armchair, woo! Making breakfast, Huzzah! Had a chat with someone about some shitty whatever that you give zero fucks about, yayyy! You might feel like you’re doing nothing but you’re totally doing stuff.

2. We wonder why the fuck people (in specific, ourselves) need to get dressed. You know you’re not going anywhere and PJ’s and day time clothes are still all ‘clothes’ so what gives? What’s the point?

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Rainbow:
In the big scheme of things, yes, getting dressed is pointless, so just get half dressed! You still feel the comfort and coziness from bed but are prepared for unexpected visitors. Plus you can count this ‘half-dressing’ as an achievement!
So eg. I change into jeans/shorts on the bottom half and keep the top half the same; No bra, comfy singlet and/or loose fitting jumper that I wore to bed (I’m an ice block through winter). I look like a grub but who cares? I could totally wear this to go to the letterbox and not get stares.

Sleep nekkid? Girls, you’ve probably got a comfy dress that can handle no underwear. Summer dress? Maxi? Make friends with it! You can add underwear or get changed later, for now you just need secret comfort.

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Guys, chuck on some shorts and you’re deemed acceptable. Have a loose comfy shirt or singlet handy in case you’re ready for the next step later – dressing your second half.

3. Food. Some eat lots, some eat hardly anything and some eat strange things. I’m the hardly anything/strange combo. Some poo-brain days I don’t eat until 3pm, then a small dinner. Other days I want a 2 day old reheated cheeseburger with a glass of green cordial for breakfast.
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Again, I’m thankful that not all my days are like this because jesus, I’d be a pimply rake.
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Rainbow:
Hmmm.. I mean none of those options are exactly healthy but it could be worse..? I’ve seen my dog eating a meaty bone with maggots in it.

Ok I could definitely do more but once again my dog has rolled all over a dead animal so I’m going to have to go and bath him. And yeah, I’m going to count it as an achievement. Boom.

Rambling Goat


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The Low-Down on Authority-Based Relationships

ramblingg0at:

One of the many great posts on bdsm by SLAP, check out their blog for more :D

Originally posted on SLAP!:

SLAP! has had the good fortune to host a number of very experienced and knowledgeable BDSM practitioners since we first started about six months back. In September this year, a lovely couple from Seattle passed our shores and expressed their desire to run a workshop on authority-based relationships. Of course, we complied. This lovely pair, BrianR and MelR, also happen to be title holders. Together, they hold the titles of Northwest Master and slave 2013.

If you read that sentence more than once, don’t worry because I was as bewildered when I first heard their titles. You mean there are competitions for BDSM? That was the first question that ran through my mind. How does one compete for the title of best slave? That was the second question. I had a brief image of a woman in fetish gear being put through her paces like in a dog show. Very…

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Questions to Life #8

1. Why does everyone always squat down as they walk away from a helicopter? Do they think someone would have designed the thing to have propellers at head height?? Or are they worried about being blown over if they stand upright?

2. Who decided we should eat lunch on those small ‘bread and butter’ plates? I eat my lunch on dinner plates, oooh yeah bucking the system!

3. Does anyone ever use the ‘winter’ setting on a ceiling fan? You’d need a ladder?! Just get a blanket bro.

4. Why does my dog decide to have an excited energy spurt and use my white quilt cover as his ‘run to and do a 180′ spot while covered in mud?! Is that footprints on the wall?! Note to self: close bedroom door when I’m not home.

Rambling Goat


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Funerals and Hash Muffins

I’m the kind of person that feels something on their lip, sucks their lips in together and then realises there’s a fly pinned between them. Yeah, that happened 2 days ago.

So with that in mind, and surely you all know me by now, you won’t be surprised by this story.

It started with a funeral. It was for someone in my partner’s extended family who I’ve never met. Still though, it quickly became apparent that this situation may be inappropriate.

Bf pointed out he could see my undies line. I wasn’t prepared to change my outfit, sooo.. Enter the g-string. Ok if you wear them all the time, you’re not going to see the big deal about wearing a g-string to a funeral but I literally only wear them in the bedroom! It’s a sexy, naughty, special thing for me. I was around crying people and staring at a coffin presumably with an old lady laying in it (or was it empty and they use the same coffin for all the services?) I felt whheeeeyyyy inappropriate.
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So cue the beers and the stuffing of food into myself at the wake. The fact that my bf didn’t introduce me to a single family member didn’t help with my food and alcohol intake. Luckily his mum and grandma did so I didn’t *completely* feel like some awkward random.

Later on I mentioned it and he apologised. Apparently they weren’t worth introducing me to. I can kind of understand it but he ALWAYS fails to introduce me. It happened a week ago when we were grocery shopping – I was chatting to and laughing with this guy that I hadn’t been introduced to. Later on he was surprised “oh sorry I thought you already knew him. I’m sure I’ve introduced you before? You and him were acting like you knew eachother..?” Nope. I was turning lamebos into rainbows. People, introduce your partner to people you’re chatting to! Seriously.

Anyway back to the story. The beers stopped for a little bit back at home as we had to hang a new cupboard in the kitchen. Enter Mr Agro. His sister and I were holding the weight of the cupboard and he wasn’t happy with anything we did. Holding a heavy cupboard while being ridiculed by someone was not fun. So of course I started on the beers again. No, I do not recommend being an alchy as a way to numb shitty situations but thats kind of how I live at the moment. Don’t worry I get my comeuppance for that decision, you’ll see!

So there were beers, friends over, we were all sitting around having a good time. I end up telling one of the boys to invite his two girl friends over, both of which I kind of have a thing for. I don’t remember much after that except that one of them turned up, said she wanted me to be her hair model (she’s a hairdresser) and we both agreed to peg our close friend (for some reason bf is ok with that).

I have a vague recollection of running out of beers (I’d only had 5-6), seeing a bag of hash muffins and consuming some..

Nek minut, I’m messaging bf to get him to get people out of our room. The perils of having your bed in a mancave. I was feeling pretty shite. He got them out then asked if I was going to be sick. Ummm yep. And then because I’m clearly the hottest girl out there, I vomited into the dog’s water bowl.
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But dear friends, I wasn’t done. Bf was gagging at this point (he’s a sympathetic vomiter). He asked me to take it outside and tip it out in the garden. I told him I couldn’t get up. He begged. So I tried to get up and oops, I knocked the bowl and vomit tipped out onto the sheets.

I finally got it outside and bf (while still gagging) changed the sheets. He made me sleep on the couch in case I was going to be sick again but when I got cold and hopped back into bed, he gave me nice warm cuddles.

So I’ve learnt:
*partners are good for some things and fucking terrible at other things.
*hash muffins should only be consumed in places where it’s legal (who made this disgusting vomit-inducing muffin? Grumpy Cat?!)
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*only wear a g-string to a funeral if there is alcohol and good food.
*telling everyone your embarrassing story can result in 2 sick bags being donated to you for your bedside drawer. Yay, totally prepared for next time now!

Rambling Goat

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