Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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A Priest Came On My Face

……okay so he wasn’t really a priest.  But he could be?!  And when I was thinking of the story that follows,  I couldn’t help but LOL at that thought…

Let me regale you a tale of one of my first obsessions:  the Watermelon.  We first met when we were somewhere between 14 and 16 (my younger existence is a blur to me)  thanks to RG’s talking to randoms online.  (Ah msn and ICQ,  what would our teenhoods be without you?)  Anyway,  I recall being quite mesmerised by the tall, blonde, friendly guy from the start.  We would talk online about games, music and philosophy (I always wondered if he was philosophical or unnecessarily convoluted – either way it was entertaining).  When we got our driver’s licence we would all drive out and hang in the car pack of Krispy Kremes (cos that’s the cool thing to do,  right?)  In a nutshell,  a small group of us from one side of the tracks became good friends with a small group of dudes from the west.

  Wondering why we call him the watermelon?  Well,  he is a bit on the religious side (if you didn’t gather from the title) and as such we are pretty damn convinced that he still holds his V card.  You know the term,  “pop your cherry?”  Well,  a virgin cherry that stays stagnant for so long slowly grows bigger into a watermelon.  Boom.

Years went by,  there was a period of time where we both had partners so of course I never fathomed anything to ever happen when I was with someone else.  But he was always this enigma at the back of my mind.  You know,  kinda like that “one that got away” or some crap like that?  Blah blah anyway,  around the age of 21 we both coincidentally became single around the same time and ended up at a friends party (which was a freakin awesome party in a barn,  drinking scorpion tequila and hot spa and dancing and awesomeness in a can).

The First Encounter

The party was quite a while away from where I lived and I had to work in the morning.  I should have gone home with some friends who were driving,  but drunk NU thought it would be totally legit to keep partying on and catch a train to work in the morning (when you’re that age and alcohol fueled you can justify anything).  We partied on until we began to tire and a group of about 5 of us (including watermelon) chilled out in our friends room.  I slumped on the couch next to Watermelon and he reached his arm around my shoulder and nuzzled me into his chest – cue possible heart attack!  I think our friend was onto something,  called it a night and told Watermelon and I to take the mattress on the floor and the rest will sleep on the couch or his bed (all in the same room, mind you).

So everyone went to sleep.  We rested our heads upon the pillow,  Watermelon  quietly pulls me towards him and kisses me.  I remember thinking OMFG I can’t believe this is happening.  We kiss for a millennia,  he fumbles with my boobs and fumbles more down below while I graze upon his shaft through our clothes.  Yep,  we kissed and fumbled for hours.

He was definitely a fumbly Joe,  but you know how sometimes you’re just so into someone that you kinda don’t really mind that they’re not that bad cos you’re totally fulfilling a long-baked fantasy and don’t wanna ruin it?

Anyway,  that’s all that happened and I left hungover as shit at 6am in the morning and went to work hours away.  We never really spoke about that night,  it was like it never happened when we would meet again to hang out or at parties.

The Night I Should Have Sexed Him

I think it was my 23rd birthday party –  girls in corsets and bounds of alcoholic goodness to be had.  The party goes on into the night and Watermelon’s friends are ready to leave.  However,  he decides to stay back (even though he lived quite far away and it wasn’t easy to get there without a car from my place).  I said “yeah that’s cool,  I’ll drive you home in the morning!” being the suck up that I can be to this enigmatic boy that made my loins and heart tingle.

(Although I’m way over it now,  the next part remains one of the “Top Sexy Moments” to date)

The party slows down,  people disperse,  and its only me and Watermelon on the dancefloor bopping around like idiots (oh and another friend that kinda liked me in the kitchen talking to my mum – I feel bad about that but it’s a different story).  Then Nights in White Satin comes on the juke box.  Watermelon slinks closer to me,  puts his hand on my waist and the other in my hand and begins to slowly waltz with me.  Now,  I’m generally not a romantic soppy person,  but one guilty lame fantasy I always dream of is for a man to slow dance with me.  And he did.  Then,  like in some stupid movie,  leans in and kisses me passionately.  I was all WTF!  (It must have been the blood red corset, perhaps?)  My insides were a flutter,  it felt so silly and surreal and awesome.  Sleep time arose,  and I showed him to my room.

He popped into my bed and I told him to hide his face while I sneakily changed into my pyjamas (more like silky nighie,  cos that’s totes casual and what I always wear, right?!)  Apologising for my single bed,  I slink in next to him.  Blah blah,  of course he puts his arms around me and continues to kiss me.  His hands slowly slip under the sleeve of my nightie, pulling them down until my breasts pop out and his mouth moves to their attention.  This was getting pretty sweet,  so I moved my hands down to slip off his underwear to reveal a hard banana dick. YEP.  It completely bent up almost to his belly button!  I’d never seen one like that before,  it was so amusing and interesting!

Hands and mouths all over the place,  after trying to build up the guts I finally whisper in his ear something along the lines of “I want you inside me”.  (Is that what you’re meant to say? Ah who knows, I’ve never been good at this sexy stuff).

I remember him hesitating for a moment and then asking with an esteemed groan, “…do you have protection?”

OF COURSE I DIDN’T MOTHER FLIPPIN’ DIPPIN FUCK. No…..  so we continued to fumble away,  I took his banana in my mouth and I recall him in a panic “fuck I’m going to cum!” and landing half in my mouth and half in my eyeball.

Sweet.

And that was that,  we slept,  I took him home the next morning and it was as though nothing had really happened…  I think I must have totally freaked him out or something,  because now the watermelon is becoming a priest.  I guess that’s a tale to tell – the time I almost took the virginity of a priest?!  Even though he technically isn’t one yet anyway something something….

I’m completely over the Enigma that is the Watermelon now – moved on and accepted a long time ago that it’s just one of those weird connecty people things that happens in life.  But still,  I can’t help but continue to wonder if the watermelon will ever be juiced….I was so close!  If only my powers of persuasion were better formed at that time…..

Moral of the Story:

-  don’t be put off my an unachievable goal,  always do your best,  even if you only get half way!

- always have protection on ya,  cos you never know what kind of watermelon can pop up next!

Nonsense Unicorn

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8 Comments

Reverse Psychology

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I swear, reverse psychology is working overtime in my life. Its an odd occurrence but we’re all guilty of it at times. If a sign says ‘don’t look here’ and an arrow, chances are, you’re going to look.

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My latest experiences with reverse psychology have been completely unintentional though. The following are some day to day examples of the mysterious ‘reverse psychology’ working in all its glory in my life:

*FWBs. 1. I tell guys I’m not interested in a relationship at the moment, I’m just after fun. They agree, then a couple of months in, tell me they’re falling for me.
2. I tell a fwb that I won’t be offended if he meets a nice girl and wants to stop our little arrangement to date her and settle down ‘I would totally understand, its no problem.’ He says that *if* he meets anyone, he likes the idea of polyamory so would be fine to keep our arrangement going *and* date her.

*Polyamory. For guys that I’m currently dating, I say that I’m ok with them being with someone else (sex and/or dating). They tell me I’m enough for them and turn down all sexual (and otherwise) advances from others.

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*Cuck. I tell them it makes me a little frisky to hear what they’ve done with other women. They tell me the sex was rubbish and they ‘definitely won’t be hooking back up with her again!’.

*Naughty photos. 1. I tell a fwb that he can show my cheeky photos to his friends if he wants. What do I care, I figure he’d do it anyway. He says no, his friends are idiots and he’d rather not be disrespectful. He sends me photos of his ‘idiot’ friends instead.
2. I tell my ex-cum-bf the same thing; show my pics if he wants, I don’t care. He says something along the lines of ‘I’m not one of those guys. And anyway, they’re all your good friends too now. It could be awkward. Plus there’s my brothers in the mix too..’
I respond with the attitude of ‘Ok don’t worry about it then.’ He now shows them constantly. I get msgs from my guy friends and brother-in-laws saying ‘just saw a slideshow, nice work’, ‘two thumbs up’ or I send a cheeky pic to the bf and he responds with ‘the boys liked that one’.

Side note on that: You might be thinking its a bit odd that they’ve all seen my cheeky pics but there’s legitimately not an ounce of sexual tension in the air.
One of the brothers has seen me naked (I was skinny dipping in his pool with a bunch of his girl friends).
Another has seen one of my tits (he banged on the window one night, I opened the curtain and my towel fell down.. His response was “Nice boob! Now pass me a lighter”).
Add to that the fact that I cuddle up to them on the couch, nap next to them on a bed and one I went on a holiday to Japan with (just the 2 of us and we got matching tats).

As it turns out, guys and girls can be friends without wanting to have sex. Just like girls and girls, and guys and guys.

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Why do people disagree with that? I’m living proof. NU and I have seen each other naked but don’t jump on each other. Friends are friends. I help the boys pick outfits for parties, wax the few hairs they get between their eyebrows and give them high 5’s on the sly when they walk out in the morning with a girl carrying high heels and a mop of sex hair. I’d do those things for NU too (especially the girl one! :O hahahaha), and even if she sent me a cheeky lingerie pic, I still wouldn’t want to jump on her. She’s totally friendzoned haha!

For the record, there’s no sexual tension from my end with these lovely boys either. I’m just super affectionate with guys for some reason. They know I’m not interested. If I jump on one of the boys in the morning and he says ‘umm RG, kind of an awkward time – I’ve got a boner’ then I exit the room asap (giggling) hahaha.

Well in true RG fashion, I got a bit off topic there. Well maybe not.. I’m being loving and affectionate but getting friendship only. Reverse psychology? Or is it not completely reverse because I only want friendship too?  It’s too late at night to properly work that one out!

I guess my conclusion to all of this is that life is continuously surprising. Just when you think you’ve got it sorted out in your mind, someone goes ahead and does the exact opposite. Sometimes it works out better than you imagined, sometimes worse. But if everything worked out exactly like we wanted/expected it to, life would be boring. Perfect, but boring. I like to think that these twist and turns makes life interesting.

Rambling Goat


6 Comments

The Hangover Cure

If there’s anything that epitomises the definition of insanity,  it’s the hangover.  (You know,  repeating the same thing and expecting a different result each time?  In this case,  that thing is delicious alcohol).

We have all at one point (or every weekend) muttered the words, “I’m never drinking again”.  But do we ever stop?  Nope!  So if we are going to perpetually kill our brain cells,  then we thought we would provide some tried and tested cures for dealing with the hangover!

Greasy Greasy Food

  • Macca’s nuggets and frozen coke win every time

When you have to get out of bed

  • Need to get somewhere but are hungover as f%^&?  Just keep a plastic bag in the car!  Sneaky vom and off you go.
  • If you’re travelling on a train,  make sure to choose one with a toilet.  Or sit in a corner on the bottom level, everyone knows the bottom level is basically a toilet anyway.
  • Need to show your face in public?  Wear and oversized hoodie,  not only will you look inconspicuously great,  but it will keep you nice and warm for those come down shivers.

LAY IN THE HAY BY THE BAY (or in a park)

  • You’ll look like a homeless bum but those homeless bums are onto something!  Fresh air is great.  And a bonus,  if you for vom then just do it on the grass and move to a new spot – no clean up required! (Just don’t roll into it…eww…)
  • If you can’t make it to the park,  just lay on the floor and groan.  It’s therapeutic and helps the hangover be exorcised from your body.

SLEEP

  • Preferably until 4pm

HYDRATE YO’SELF

  • Get onto those nutrient filled electrolyte goodness of gatorade or powerade.  But it’s only really good if you pre-buy it.  As if you’re going to go up to the shops when you’re half dead.  Or if you do,  refer to the hoodie solution.

DRINK MORE ALCOHOL

  • “Hair of the dog”  they call it.  I’m not sure why but that dog knows what’s what.  1-2 drinks will sort it out.

TELEVISION SOOTHES THE SOUL

  • Obviously gaming requires more effort than watching a movie or junk the the Real Housewives of who-the-fuck-cares, but if you choose a tame game like car racing,  its a good enough distraction for your brain to stop making you want to hurl.

 

And that should keep you alive for a bit!

 

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn enterprises
(Yeah cos we’re hectic like that.  Boom).


13 Comments

Online Dating Freak-outs

There’s nothing like a dating profile to make you question everything about yourself.. But *am* I funny? Or do I just think I’m funny and everyone else is all ‘WTF!!’? Better not put funny. Uhhhh. If I put kinky, will it attract extremists? I don’t want to be pee’d on.
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I’m considering putting a profile up on a lesbian/bi dating site because let’s be frank here – men are easier to pick up than women. I can walk down the street with my pussy power switched on and pick up men. I know my skills with men. Women are a different story. I’m out of my depth. They’re sexy and have a vagina. IT’S INTENSE.

I honestly can’t do this dating profile. In no way can I describe myself accurately without sounding like a flailing idiot or up myself. I know me, and I love me, but putting *me* into words is impossible. At least for me. I’m sure the rest of you would just use the word ‘crazy’ for me and be done with it :P

Here is a list of reasons why online dating makes me nervous:
*Strange people
*Murderers
*Catfish
*Stalkers
*Recognising someone
*People not taking no for an answer
*People saying no without getting to know me
*Getting awkward photos (eg. dick photos)

Not only that but I’ve now started dating ‘the hulk‘ again. He’s getting used to open relationship so we’re x amount of steps in and it’s pretty complicated to explain to a potential newcomer. As of now I have 100% free reign to date/sex women (hence the lesbian/bi girls dating site). Men is a slower process, but intentional – we don’t want to go too quick and ruin the chance of success. But anyway, even if I could find a nice girl, not many are into polyamory. That and I’m suuuper picky (complete opposite to men!) so my potential numbers are basically 0.

So I’ve given up on it. And am chilling out on FL instead. High 5’s and butt-slaps to you kinky folk out there, you make me grin!

I have to say, when we started this blog (on my bday in Feb no less!) I thought I was open minded. Well I wasn’t entirely it seems. NOW I’m open minded. WordPress blogs have not only taught me a lot, but encouraged/gave ideas for sugaring, cuckolding, fetishes, d/s relationships, bondage/training techniques, swinging and made me realise that the sucket list is soooo tame. You lovely sex bloggers have given me so many cheeky ideas! My present and future sex partners are thanking you, even if it doesn’t always end glamorously. Just loudly, does it ever for me?! Haha! Nope. Update on that one: totes doing anal training now so I’ll be able to give myself a definitive and painless yes/no decision on anal, yayyy!

So I may not be able to convince myself to actively date online, but I don’t need to. I have you guys for entertainment :) Thanks for sticking with our blog, listening to our nonsense and posting enough awesome things to create a full blown WordPress addiction ;)

Rambling Goat

Ps. No, I haven’t written anything on my FL profile yet. Ha!


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The Good, The Ridiculous and The Slothy

I’m sure most of you have already seen the lovely set of photos of girls pulling ridiculous faces that have made the rounds on social media. For those who haven’t, enjoy!
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Hahaha I love it.
Its proof that you can look nice when you want to but also laugh at yourself too. You can seem a whole lot more appealing if you drop your shame and just let loose once in a while. Orrr it could scare a few people (but who cares!)

Its like aesthetics vs. personality. Or society ideals vs. fun reality.

Anyway, a few months ago I did my version on fb. I got some friends to do their versions, saved them all and I’m going to print and frame them on my wall. They make me grin like an idiot :D

For some reason I was just googling stuff and saw a cute baby sloth pic. So I thought I’d do a ‘cute pose vs silly pose’ for sloths. Why you ask? Umm why not?! Sloths are epic. (JBlondie, sit yourself down, you may wee yourself with excitement!)

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And… Now you all want a pet sloth. You’re welcome!

Rambling Goat


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Stooping to a (delicious) new low

I’m a pretty clumsy person,  particularly when it comes to eating.  I don’t think there is ever a meal where I don’t end up either wearing it or dropping it on the floor.

(On too many sober occasions I have gone to have a drink and missed my mouth – I think my spatial awareness is severely handicapped).

I don’t know if it’s a lack of ability or laziness (I like to eat on the lounge when I get home from work because I’m exhausted,  and eating when on an incline definitely creates a new challenge).

Anyway,  so after work today I decided to be disgusting and get myself a Big Mac meal from Micky D’s.  Now,  the fact I decided to indulge in Mc D’s SOBER is not the new low I shall regail – it is what happened after.

I take it home,  sit back with my legs up on the chaise and set up my burger and fries on my tummy.

(LIKE A FAT FUCKING WALRUS, YEAH YEAH).

I don’t wash myself with a rag on a stick…. yet….

Then,  as I take a bite into the freakin Big Mac,  a glob of sauce drips down and lands straight into my ample cleavage.

I actually couldn’t find any images of food in cleavage – what is wrong with you internet?!

I would think a normal person would immediately wipe the mess away,  I mean c’mon that’s gross right?!

What do I do:  dip my fucking chips in it and eat it.

Saving the environment, or something something?

And that my friends,  is how you stoop to a new low just when you thought you couldn’t get any lazier.

Nonsense Unicorn

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Wiping the shit off the floor

Things didn’t go as disastrously as I anticipated on Sunday after shit hit the fan with our ex-roommates.  That’s not to say there were rainbows shining out of my ass – oh no,  all day it felt like my heart was hammering through my ribcage with a rusted pick axe, I was that anxious.  I felt like my soul swung between either extreme rage or extreme tears,  no middle ground.  Suffice to say,  I think I did an okay job at pretending I was okay.

Of course,  I did what any socially anxious person who has been vindicated and burned would do and ignored the stupid bitch all day.  In hindsight,  I wish I could have been strong enough to stand up and talk to her and burn her with my resolve, but alas the pain was (is) still too raw and the only way I could disguise my tears was to give her my back.

The worse that happened all day was a general air of silent awkwardness – I was the pink elephant in the room that everyone was trying to pretend was not there.  Plastic smiles and vapid hellos,  failed secret death stares from the Boy’s youngest sibling who “I have apparently (due to the bitchfaces lies)” hurt.  Which,  to be honest,  I can’t hold against her for doing.  If I thought someone called me a c$%^ I would probably do the same,  so it’s not her fault that she would feel a certain sense of animosity towards me.

Unfortunately,  due to my integrity I will not stoop to Bitchface’s level and play tit for tat with the facts.  I will sit back and hope that time will heal the damage her viperous tongue has caused without stooping to her level.

So that was that.  When we drove away I felt a certain sense of relief knowing that I survived that.

The boy saw his brother (Bitchface’s boyfriend and also ex-roommate) the next day.  His brother told him that he has absolutely no idea what has happened and that him and bitchface don’t know what went wrong.

You see,  he was in the shower when the altercation happened,  and it’s evident that she has also fed him lies on what has happened.  The boy told him about Bitchface barging into my door and abusing me,  to which he denied as being “out of her character”.  Sadly,  it looks like he is foolishly blinded by her succubus ways.

What?  You cannot be serious that they don’t know what happened?  THEY FUCKING STARTED THE WHOLE THING.  And are actually believing her lies.

She’s either a manipulative immature bitch or a stupid bitch.  Or more likely,  a combination of them both because it is pretty damn obvious who is in the wrong here.

But again,  rather than get angry,  I will let time do it’s thing and heal the pain until I can be strong enough the accept that she will never learn,  you cannot force people to observe their own folly,  and I will never get an apology for what happened.  As hard as it is to not confront her about all she is done – this is my life lesson I will learn in humility.

In the mean time,  I will just revel in fantasies of her being ran over by a train full of rabbid lemurs.

Moral of the Story:  people usually make their own bed and will get their comeuppance in this life.  As tempting as it is to try and expedite the process,  let the universe due the talking and move on with your life!  Assholes will be assholes,  that doesn’t mean you have to become one too.

(ps:  Yeah I totally deleted her off facebook – TAKE THAT!)

Nonsense Unicorn

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