Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Pirate Hook Alternatives

Am I the only one questioning the whole pirate hook thing? Who wants a hook for a hand?! How do you wipe your butt? Or plait your beard?

I’m offering a list of alternatives for a pirate to consider instead of the usual hook (who wants to go with the norm?!);

1. Slinky
2. Fork
3. Spatula
4. Tazer
5. Rattlesnake
6. Knife
7. Ladle
8. Clamp
9. Fishing rod
10. Telescope
11. Puppet
12. Yo-yo
13. Grappling hook
14. Beer glass
15. Paintbrush
16. Pencil

There is only one alternative instead of a pegleg all you pirates out there, and that’s pogo-stick.

Rambling Goat


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Vomiting Tales of a Drunken Lunatic

If you haven’t vomited yet, you’re not partying hard enough.

We’ve all been there, right?  Maybe drunk a little bit too much alcoholic goodness that your stomach couldn’t keep it all in?

Well,  I suppose when it happens to me, it’s never at a convenient time of being located near a toilet.  So,  here’s a list of some of the interesting circumstances that I have ended up drunkenly expelling my stomach remnants.

If you have some stories to share, comment below!

Places I have vomited

  • This wasn’t alcohol induced,  but I did projectile vomit in the middle of a busy walkway at the Easter Show one year after eating a dodgy hot dog and riding on the fast train ride.  Luckily,  I missed people by inches, but my partner at the time was not amused and walked 3 metres behind me for the rest of the day.
  • In the middle of a train station platform (I think nobody saw,  but I was too immersed at the time to tell).
  • Luckily the train had a toilet after the platform incident,  so 2 hours of barfing in there all the way home.
  • Into a plastic bag Rambling Goat held to my mouth while I was driving up a windy country road.  Pretty dangerous in retrospect,  but this was before the days of knowing alcohol was still in your system the morning after – and there was nowhere to pull over.
  • On my lap while driving to work.
  • On my lap (again) in the middle of a road in Phuket, where 5 guys had to carry me back to my hotel room, still barfing all over myself.  Classy, right?  Not my fault their tequila shots are like 1L jugs.
  • Naked, over a bath full of ice.  Although I don’t remember this happening so if I didn’t see it it didn’t happen, right?  Rambling Goat would think otherwise of this…
  • At a music festival,  I once ate a hot dog and magically barfed it up again whole and intact (I seriously don’t even know how that happened).
  • Walking home from said music festival,  I think  I may have vomited on every tree we walked past like a dog marking their territory – that could be up for debate though.
  • After drinking almost half a bottle of vodka at a wedding (why else would you have it there on the table if it wasn’t meant to be drunk?!),  I vomited all over myself and the backseat of a friend’s car.  I think they had to drag me inside and put me naked in the shower to wash it all off.  They don’t talk to me anymore.
  • In my mouth while serving a customer at a fruit shop.  I had to smile and nod and pretend it didn’t happen and spat it into a bin below.  While going out to the toilet,  I also vomited in the middle of an aisle in the shop.  I told them I wouldn’t be coming back.

There are probably many more stories that have been forgotten due to my past of severe drunkeness.

 

Nonsense Unicorn


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Pink-Eye

Well I’m out of the ‘I think I’ve got pink eye’ week and into the ‘I just trapped myself in a shower’ week.

Now before you start thinking I’m into some poo-meets-face fetish, it was a split second of distraction that caused this pink eye drama.

One of my awesome guy friends was talking about how distracting and off-putting it was to spot hair around a girls’ butthole during sex. I’ve never seen that in my travels so was curious/worried that I could be one of those hairy butthole girls.

I messaged my ex something along the lines of ‘do I have a hairy butthole?!’ but was met with laughter and a ‘I’ve never noticed any?’ response. Well it doesn’t rule it out completely so next option was to have a look, which by the way is pretty difficult. I couldn’t see any so tried to feel if there was anything there. Well I guess my brain got bored with the whole thing at that point because I stood up, got rid of the mirror, THEN GOT AN ITCHY EYE AND SCRATCHED IT! Dammit, stupid distracted brain.

I write another msg to my ex. ‘Say hypothetically you touched your butt (after a shower) and then touched your eye accidently, what’s the chances of getting pink eye?? Forget the convo I had previous to this..’

I get another laughter response and ‘pretty likely’, so without asking more innocent bystanders and googling it, basically assumed I was about to get pink eye for the past week. But folks, unless pink eye doesn’t actually give you a pink eye like it claims, then I think I’m in the clear! Yayyy. Never have I been so excited to have ‘normal’ eyes!

Well with one first world problem over, of course life was going to give me another. And that was making me trap myself in a shower.

Long story short I had my 2 dogs sleeping in my bathroom overnight, I put down newspaper and had a wee to clean up in the morning. I pulled up the newspaper and instead of putting the bath mat back down, jammed it between the vanity and shower and disinfected the floor. It was still wet when I had the shower so when I closed the door, the mat opened (like that sword swallower who swallowed an umbrella – yes that actually happened) and when I went to get out, the door wouldn’t open. It was one of those memory foam types so was quite stiff and was managing to keep the door closed. So I used force and managed to jam the mat between 2 panes of glass. Greeeeat. A lot of I’m-cold-and-naked fumbling ensued and I finally managed to escape.

I used to think I was pretty life-smart but I’m not entirely certain on that anymore..

Rambling Goat


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Gravity Stinks

I had a dream last night that I was in a space ship floating around in no gravity. Then I woke up. And gravity had its powerful hands pinning me down. If you were some attractive horny person, fine, I’m cool with that, but you’re not. So fuck you gravity! I want to float around and eat a packet of exploded flying chips like Homer Simpson.

Rambling Goat


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Japanese Illness

I haven’t had a cold for like 2 yrs, but go to Japan for 2 weeks (where a LOT of the population spend all day wearing face masks) and get a cold. How does that work?! And the even bigger irony is that Japan is such an incredibly hygienic country; you have sanitised hand towels to clean your hands before you eat, those crazy robotic toilets that know exactly where your privates are (how do they know?!?) and most basins have motion sensor soap dispensers and running water.

Anyway face masks are so popular there that I even saw a pokemon design face mask case for sale. And its not just old people who wear them, young ‘cool’ people do too, even a bunch of thug-looking guys (FYI there are no thugs there, they’re super friendly and courteous).

I heard sick people wear the face masks to keep germs at bay but I saw one guy sneezing without one on and far too many people wearing them to account for the ratio of sick to healthy people.

So call me ignorant but if you sneeze into a face mask, wouldn’t you then have to remove it to put a new one on (thus allowing germs to spread anyway – through the air and onto your hands?). Maybe they should ditch the face mask and just carry around some glen 20? If you hear someone cough or sneeze, just spray it at them. Would work a whole lot better.

Rambling Goat

Ps. Theoretically, if someone sneezes into your eyes (which isn’t protected by the mask) would you get sick? If someone can put milk in their mouth and squirt it out their tear duct then I’m no doctor, but I have to assume they’re connected. Let it be known that I didn’t wear a face mask and no one sneezed into my eyes.. Haha


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Drama and Sex

I currently have a flock of horny men buzzing around all forms of communication in my life. I’m not complaining, I love dirty convos, but I seem to have attracted a bunch of potential drama-inducing men.

One guy has a gf and young kid and talks dirty to me through Skype or sms on the days when he is home minding his sick kid or days off work.

Another is an ex from 10 years ago who is now married – he chats to me through fb messages on an account I created for tinder and now just use for overseas friends. I guess by refusing to ‘friend’ him, his wife has even less of an idea we’re chatting.

There’s another one that is my grey-haired ex boss. He’s a fit, gruff 40+ yr old with a heart of gold. He chats to me on Viber.

There’s a younger one in his early 20s who I’ve slept with quite a few times (and have some dirty convos with, but mostly send photos) but is now worryingly trying to cross over from the fuck buddy with distance status to the I’m inviting myself to your place for the long weekend and bringing my dog status. I live 6 hrs drive away, so its not exactly a casual visit. I can see him when I visit friends but he has no other reason to come here than to see me. We chat on WhatsApp and Viber.

Then there’s the ex who I recently had ex sex with and is now ringing and messaging me on WhatsApp most days (we dated for quite a few years and are pretty close). This is not exactly a potential drama but straight after the recent sex he had a possessive, grumpy, argument with our whole group of friends on a night out because I told him – earlier in the day – that I’m sexually attracted to 2 of his friends (but would never do anything, he’s already laid down his specific rules). At the time of telling him we’d been chatting and laughing about people we’d slept with since each other and it was a no big deal convo, but I guess once alcohol enters the mix, small things become huge issues.

Anyway I’ve learnt two things from all this;
1. Sex can cause a whole lot of drama. Even talking about sex to someone else or talking about sex with someone else can cause some big issues.
2. A lot of men love fantasy. Whether its the *thought* of having a mistress (let it be known that I’ve not had sex with anyone who is in a closed relationship) or the attraction between senior boss and young worker, it seems that anything a little bit different and left field of their apparently boring reality is a winner. I’m not going to admit to them that I just found a spider in my saucepan, have a piece of rice stuck under my foot and burnt my toast. My reality is hilariously unattractive and isn’t going to be anyone’s fantasy!

You might say ohhh these men going behind their gfs/wives backs are pigs or how could you entertain them knowing they’re hiding shit from their partners. Well I actually had a mistress (not hidden, I actually spoke openly to my bf at the time and he allowed it) and I ended up having better and more sex with the bf during that time! It helped our sex lives, so although I don’t agree with the hidden part (and have told them to talk to their partners about open marriage/relationship), I do think that a bit of sex talk on the side may actually get them back into bed with their partners.

Personally I don’t want to get married (I dont see the point) or want to have a closed relationship and I guess this kind of proves why. I don’t want to deny my partner their natural urges and have them hiding shit behind my back. I’d rather have an open and honest relationship and if that means everyone involved gets to have sex with people they’re sexually attracted to then its a win win in my eyes. I didn’t stop loving the bf because I was having sex with someone else, in fact I really started liking her too. Seems my heart is big enough to share naaawww <3 haha.

Open your minds folks, don't just stick with what society tells you to do cos drama is fucking annoying. And will probably make you go bald from stress. True story.

Rambling Goat


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The Unfriend

Facebook does a strange thing to your psyche in making you care about things that outside the internet you wouldn’t think twice about.

Like, someone unfriending you.

Even though you have not spoken to this person in 10 years, don’t actually like them as a human being and couldn’t care less what they thought of you – you still feel a small tinge of hurt when you go to stalk their profile and find you no longer have access.

What have I done in my Facebook life to deserve this?

Haha. So dumb. Maybe it only sucks when they’re still friends with your friends and you can’t help but think that your friends must be infinitely cooler than you to still warrant their internet friendship.

Even though you don’t like that person anyway.

Dumb dumb dumb.

nonsense unicorn

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