Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


5 Comments

Weddings can suck my metaphoric balls

This stupid wedding culture that exists pisses me off. I can’t stand listening, reading or watching people ramble on about the “perfect day” they deem worth of falling into perpetual debt for.

That life isn’t worth anything until you’ve met that milestone of being married.

Just so you can feel that 10 seconds of pride when you dangle that overpriced ring in the faces of your school mates at your reunion.

Here are some of the main things that make me loathe weddings.

“it’s HER special day
Women tend to think that a wedding is all about her. An excuse to be a “princess for a day”. Where anything goes because “it’s her special day”. It’s all about the bride.

She wants diamond encrusted napkins? Let her have it, it’s HER day.

Those silk chair covers that no one cares about cost $10K? Well, it’s HER day.

Honestly, it’s like these women can finally let their inner psycho bitch be free – but don’t worry it’s all about her so it’s okay if she gets all bridezilla.

What about the groom? Aren’t weddings meant to be about the union of two people and celebrating their commitment and love?

spending 50 billion dollars on one day
I never have and never will understand people spendin so much money on weddings. It’s wasteful, stupid, superficial and douchey. Why spend enough money to feed a small country for a year on a day for you to run yourself in everyone’s faces?

“But it’s the most important day of my life”. Well, if that’s the case then I feel bad for you son because you are setting yourself up for failure! I want to live my life trying to make every day better than the last, not put all my
Kittens in one basket and then exist in a puddle of regrets.

IMG_3199.PNG

“But the memories!” Yeah, some of the best memories I have didn’t cost anything (or at the least the amount of a bottle of vodka), so again I feel sorry for you if you feel like you need to BUY the best memories of your life.

“But the photos need to be perfect!” iPhones take pretty awesome photos these days, and honestly people enjoy looking at the funny candid photos captured unknowingly by a friend than some douchey hipster wank close up of your hands, or looking longingly into the distance together under a coolabah tree. Who even does that in real life? If I want photos, I want hilarious ones that capture the awesomeness of reality, not some douche photographers “vision” of the “perfect wedding”.

expecting a shower of presents and money
So back in the day presents made sense because people would get married and THEN get a house together. Now, times have changed and most people live together already and have everything.

I refuse to buy off gift registries because they’re just a way for people to scam their loved ones for shit you don’t really need and can’t afford but want for your little superficial life. NOPE you get an oxfam goat or a handmade picture frame of that hilarious time.

the moral of the story
Too many people invest so much in this one day. How about investing in your whole life? Makes me wonder about the divorce rates and such in this world – maybe if people got their priorities straight it wouldn’t be so high.

I guess from this you would think I’m quite anti-marriage, aye? Well yes and no. I have never been your typical girl who has planned out her dream wedding – because I don’t have one and don’t desire a wedding to define my life.

However, if I felt I was with the right person then I would consider celebrating the sacrament of marriage to them to celebrate OUR relationship and commitment. (And so I can walk down the aisle to “I was made for loving you” by Kiss. I told the boy that and I think he thinks I’m joking but I’m totes not).

But it would be in a garden, with a jukebox, BBQ and lots of vodka so everyone can just party and enjoy themselves! And we would wake up the next morning thinking, “well that was a hectic party / how can we top that next weekend?”

Keep it real folks, many of life’s joys cannot be bought with a price tag

nonsense unicorn

wpid-getting-old-1.jpg.jpeg


10 Comments

Age isn’t a bitch, your perception is the bitch.

Look, people need to get over this daunting thing called age/getting older/growing up.

People feel pressure to do *x* by age *y* and its ridiculous. Yes, time exists. Do I care? Not really. And I’ll tell you why;

1. Based on our life expectancy, I’m going to go ahead and say that your 20’s are the new teens, 30’s are the new 20’s and 40’s are the new 30’s. You’ve just gained another 10 years so people need to *stop freaking out*. And actually thats a 10 year MINIMUM because I read recently that Gen Y’s are going to live on average to 120! Faaarrrrkkk! 93 years left to roam the earth! So we’re all gaining 10-40 years on current life expectancies (80’s). Mind. Blown.

2. You could die tomorrow. Sorry that was a bit morbid. On the other extreme, you could end up getting the Guiness World Record for oldest person alive :D
image

3. There will always be people compatible for partnership. ‘Theres no one left’ is fucking bullshit. Scuse the french. Oh boo hoo, guys want younger women. Well guess what ladies, you’re a ‘younger woman’ to someone. Don’t give me that ‘but old men have brill cream in their hair’ look. There’s some mighty fine mature men around. Or get in touch with your inner cougar. Or be so awesome and enthralling that men your age wont be able to say no to you.

Men, don’t just dismiss women in your age range, you’ve got a nasty reputation for doing that. My 82 year old nan used to use RSVP and I asked her how it was going. “Oh good but all these men want younger women.. This guy is in his 90’s but it says here he’s only interested in women in their 70’s! When you’re my age it’s all the bloody same!” For the record she did chat to a few fellas and said “they’re only interested in sex!! They blatantly ask for it!”. Woah, it seems men’s libido (and brash pickup techniques) never dies.

Anyway, getting sidetracked.. My point is even at 82 you can go on rsvp to meet new people. So when you consider the young, the older, the unlucky in love, the divorced, the widowed and the polyamorous (gotta love the polys!), there’s plenty of ‘fresh meat’ out there. As soon as you freak out and act desperate, that sexy flock of birds has scattered and left a couple of shits on you. Sorry its almost 1am, my analogies are terrible hahaha.

4. Girls, you can still have kids in your 40’s. If you’ve got money, there’s IVF too. And if you’re a real lover of all children, go for adoption or foster care. Or you can freeze your eggs earlier on and use a surrogate later in life when you’re ready. Or just have kids before you have a partner. There’s plenty of options.

If you’re not into kids, cool, don’t bother. I hear in america there’s pet monkeys and as a comedian said recently “if you’ve got to the point of having a monkey, why not just have a kid? Its basically the same.” Well, its a good point but pets are pretty rad. So why not get a pet monkey? Or dog. Or cat. Or 30 cats. And yeah I can make the ‘crazy cat lady’ joke cos my aunty legit owned 20+ cats (probably still does). The house stunk. But she loved rescuing them so good for her.

5. You can still do whatever you want at whatever age. The other day I had a double chip sandwich (crisps and fries, with some tomato sauce) and it was miiiiiighty tasty. Don’t stick with stereotypes of how we ‘should act our age’. I do what a waaant.
image
image

Ok here’s my conclusion.
Age is just a stupid number that tells us how many times the world has gone around the sun while we’ve been here. Who the fuck cares? I personally think my interests and experiences are more important.

Rambling Goat


17 Comments

Why is everyone obsessed with having a partner?

I don’t get it.

There’s nothing wrong with being single. It doesn’t mean *you’re* not good enough for someone else – it’s your life you’re living, not theirs. What it really means is some people have decided to (and found) someone they want to hang around all the time, and either you haven’t yet, or you don’t feel the need to right now.

We’re strange creatures us humans. Yes, being in love feels nice but being on your own isn’t the end of the world. In fact I’m starting to think the opposite. I love being single. I’m trying to keep single for as long as I can and when I do end up getting a partner, I’m only happy with an open/poly relationship. I like freedom. I’ve got a taste for it and I refuse to give it up :P

You might think you’re still free in a monogamous relationship, but whether you like to admit it or not, you create a little bubble around the two of you. It’s a nice safe little bubble. But you turn from two individuals to ‘us’, and this is the part I get stuck on.

I’ve done it before and in my longest relationship I became so dependant that I once rang my partner in tears because I couldn’t open a salsa jar. My dinner was now ‘ruined’ and I was going to starve to death. Pathetic.

Being single means I fend for myself, yes sometimes I can’t open jars (I actually have a marmalade jar in my fridge that’s waiting for the next visitor to help me with HAHA) but I’m not completely dependent on someone. And I really enjoy it.

My nan is 82 and she lives on her own. Yes she admits she makes boring dinners because she only needs to feed herself but dammit if she can do it being that age then so can we! I should ask her how she opens her jars.. Oh, and its not new that she’s on her own. She got divorced when my dad was a kid. He’s now 60. She’s had ‘boyfriends’ here and there but she’s realised she doesn’t need a partner to survive. I actually think it’s kept her young at heart – she sent me a photo the other day of her racing bikes with my little cousin!

There’s always ads on TV from eharmony or RSVP and I despise them. Yes it’s a good way to meet people but they subconsciously convince people that having a partner is the best and that therefore being single means you’re a loser. What those ads *don’t* show is couples fighting and single people skipping through a flowery meadow.
image

So there we go. There’s my ad for singledom.

Don’t feel pressure to settle down. Don’t feel pressure to have a monogamous opposite sex relationship that results in a white picket fence and 2.5 kids. Do what makes you happy. Live the life you want to live. And if that means going against societies’ ideals, good. If we didn’t push the boundaries of ‘normal’, we’d all be drones. For those that do want that scenario, well if it makes you happy, good. But don’t just do it because you *think* you should.

I’d like to give a big thank you to anyone who’s ever stood up for something and received ridicule for it – it’s helped break the barriers for the rest of us. I’m a pants-wearing, girl-loving (well boys too..), poly-appreciating, non judgemental, kinky, tattoo-loving, anti-marriage, pro-adoption, pro-abortion, pro-prostitution, redhead (albeit not natural), Buddhist, tomboy who right now loves being single and independent. Fuck normal. Living in the 1800’s would have been hell for me. And even the 1950’s. We’re living in a good era, and its only going to get better from here! Just be who you want to be, and do what you want to do.

Happiness is my normal :)

Rambling Goat

wpid-the-real-mans-mile-high-club.jpg


7 Comments

Snake on a Plane?

This is a response to (the lovely) johnny id’s post. My comment was too long so here it is in post form :P If you haven’t seen his blog yet, head over there.

Ok first off, the snake in the title implies a dick involved in joining the Mile high club but to the lesbian/bi girls, you should really try this too.

Ok I’m no expert here (I always seem to fly with partners in the day and friends at night) but I’ve thought long and hard about how us mere plebs can achieve the mile high club.

image

Wow, me and 'cool chick carol' have a looot in common. I even have the pacman shirt :O

So I think the best way is during an overnight flight. Being Australian, everywhere overseas is 7+ hours away so I’ve done a fair few overnight flights (why spend all day on a plane to arrive somewhere and sleep all night?!). Anyway every time I’ve done them, I’ve noticed all the passengers are either asleep or watching movies. The lights are turned off and the flight attendants only come out if someone presses the button (usually the movie watchers want another alcoholic beverage).

So I figure:
1. Wait until everyone’s asleep. 3am (timezone of where you departed) is a good time. Any later and you might spot the sunrise appear early (changing timezones), and as soon as the sunrise is there, lights go on and breakfast is served. I guess they try and alter your mind so you don’t get jetlag. If you have a two seater then you can get a bit handsy first. If it’s a three seater make sure you don’t get the window seat! You don’t want to climb over a sleeping person!

2. One makes their way to the toilet – it has to be the one in the middle if the plane as flight attendants hang near the front and back ones. Close the door but don’t lock it.

3. The other waits a minute or so then goes to the toilet. Chances of someone else needing the toilet at the same time is pretty slim at 3am. Push the door open casually and enter. No half-asleep person or movie-watcher is going to remember that there’s already someone in there.

4. Lock the door and do the deed. Its not going to be romantic but it will be urgent and primal ;)

5. Return to your seat as you entered or if you want a couple of high fives from the drunk movie-watchers, just come out together. At this point no one can stop you so it depends on whether you care ;)

6. Get back to your seat and grin at each other. Yep, mile high club bitches!

Any other ideas? Have you joined the mile high club? Please share how you managed to do the deed!

Rambling Goat


3 Comments

Guys love Men

Ok not *exactly* but I’m basically a man and guys love it.

Here’s some non-girly attributes of mine:
*I love video games and own an Xbox. Mortal Kombat and Gta5 are favourites.
*I choose to watch sport on TV. No stupid vampire shows get airtime in this house!
*I love beer. So much so that I home brew my own and am doing a brewing course next year. Yep, I want to own my own brewery in the near future.
*I enjoy kicking a footy around and playing soccer (I played soccer all through school).
*I had a gun licence for a couple of years and although the Buddhist in me means I don’t shoot animals, I’m a kickarse shot on a target.
*I love playing darts and drinking games.
*I have a pet snake and am not afraid of spiders. In fact, I leave the big ones in my house; they eat all the flying bugs!
*I’m not emotionally devoid but my logical thinking/rational problem solving beats emotion most times. I’m pretty chilled.
*I perve on girls. And also try to crack onto them.

Let it be known at this point that I’m not a butch lesbian. I look like a girl (albeit in jeans and sneakers), and I love being a girl. I even have long hair at the moment (I’m always changing style/colour). I just don’t enjoy the classic ‘girly’ things. I’m a tomboy through and through.

image

Cara Delevingne repping the tomboys

I am in no way trying to de-masculinise men, its not a ‘girl beats boy at boy thing’ scenario – I enjoy this stuff *with* them. No, I don’t need to go get my nails done or take over an hr to get ready to go out. I just roll out of bed, chuck some clothes on, smile (by far the best attribute of people), and go hang out with people.

I assume from a mans perspective, a girl that can keep up with them is an awesome friend. But if they’re lucky, she might just be a hot friend that they can also have sex with. And hey, there might even be a relationship in there somewhere (just not the conventional boy-and-girl-get-married-and-are-monogamous type with me..).

I’m still a girl in some respects. Like I can carry a fence post but do you think I can open a salsa jar?! No chance. I’m not sure how old ladies do it! And I occasionally watch shows like Ellen, Oprah, Rupaul’s Drag Race, Project Runway, and Britain’s Next Top Model. But check out what I’m rewarded with :O
image

But I do have a bone to pick with men. I think you’re getting girlier. Most male pop songs are about heartbreak. It makes me want to vomit. Fine, have emotions but stop whining about everything. It sounds like what I hear in the women’s bathroom at a bar at 2am. It didn’t work out, cool story bro. Move on. This shit happens all the time, its called looking for a suitable partner – you find a lot that aren’t suitable and there’s nothing wrong with that.

While you’re singing a sad tale about breakups, I’m considering emptying my dog’s anal glands (apparently they’re blocked and she’s scooting around the floor). Well don’t worry, the vet did it and I’m mighty glad; that shit STINKS. This is reality. This is where my head is at, not crying myself to sleep cos someone dumped me. And this is what men used to be like, rational.

Am I being too harsh? I just think times are changing and we’re losing our bearded macho men who cut down trees and fix cars and now have men who can’t get their shoes wet in a puddle because they’ll ‘get ruined’. Are we slowly creating a role reversal?

Well I don’t want to sound like a complete judgemental bitch so in return for that (keep the karma even), I’ll list 3 delightfully stupid moments from 2 weeks ago (I had them jotted down here but didn’t finish this post till now):
*I was cooking my breakfast in a saucepan on a gas cooker and had cut up some of the ingredients for it on a plate and then sat it in the sink. Somehow I managed to bump the saucepan and it flipped 180 degrees and landed upside down on the plate. Hoooooly shit! If it was finished cooking that would have been the single greatest plating up manoeuvre evvvooorrrr!
*I was standing on a pile of logs, hosing a garden. I was wearing thongs, as per usual. I hosed my feet, then while thinking ‘well this just became mighty slippery and hard to balance’, I sneezed. Fumbling ensued and I grabbed a log near my feet. Real smart RG, reeeeeal smart.
*I’d just poured a beer and sat down after a long day. It was all crisp and cold but before I had a chance to drink some, I sneezed. Right into it. And then kept drinking it. Dammit it all lives in there somewhere anyway and I don’t want to get up and pour another one.

Oh and while on the thongs topic (not g-strings, the foot kind), I kid you not, my thong got a splinter the other day. What’s wrong with that you ask? It was in the top! Not the sole! So it stabbed me in the bottom of my foot. I ended up having to pick it out with tweezers. Wtf, life! How does that even happen?! No, I wasn’t wearing them upside down. Hahaha!

Yes, I’m a strange character, you should all know that by now. But guess what? Strange is awesome! True story.

Rambling Goat


7 Comments

Some more adventures

Well I’ve been busy renovating so haven’t had a whole lot of free time to do posts but I’m still reading all your lovely blogs.

This week has been looooong but considering I thought today was Wednesday (and its actually Friday), I’m wondering if that means it’s actually been a short week?! Oh well, whatevs.

Anyway never fear, I’m up to my usual antics. Today for instance I tried to push a chicken into its house and felt my finger touch (and push against) its butthole. We both freaked out and moved hastily away from the other. Awkward..

Yesterday my mum came over and we were drinking beer and eating chips on the couch. She dropped a chip and started feeling around for the chip between the couch and the armchair pushed against it. Well she didn’t find the chip, but instead reefed out a bag with a little bottle of lube and toy cleaner in it. ‘Ohh what’s this? Moist!’ Yep one had ‘MOIST – personal lubricant’ written on it. Fml.

The builder and tradesmen have been thoroughly entertained so far too, with one spotting me picking my nose (it was more of a quick scratch than a full dig..).

One day (I guess it was Wednesday – the real one) I turned up to be their labourer with pink nail polish on and got a few ‘ohh what a classic girl’ looks. Well I don’t own nail polish remover and had been to a party on the weekend so my bad. Didn’t help me gain any respect on a building site, that’s for sure. I should have pointed out my unshaved legs to help balance it out..

And the last week I picked up a couple of dog turds one morning and threw them into my toilet. I got distracted with the builder turning up so left and went next door to my parents house. Turns out one of the guys was a plumber and had been working on and around the toilet, with the lid up and turds sitting there for all to see. I came back later and asked the plumber if I could turn the water on or not. He replied “yes, just don’t use the bathroom unless you want me to see what you’ve been doing.” Ohhhh shit. He thinks the dog turds are mine. Well that’s awkward.

And no, I’m not done. See, I went to a party on the weekend. It had a 1920s ‘Great Gatsby’ theme so everything started fine and dandy, with class. I even wore a dress and heels *shock horror* – although it lasted an hr then I got changed into pants, a vest over a see-through shirt (with no bra reeoww!) and bowler hat.
image

Well apparently a party with free alcohol at the house where you’re sleeping is bad news because nek minute I’m drunkenly telling someone that I’m gonna be rich soon (I get a portion of profits on the house I’m renovating). And that I’m gonna ‘get my money out in 1 dollar bills and make it rain!’. We don’t have 1 dollar bills here, we have coins. And I have no idea who I was talking to but I remember the kind of laughter that a sober girl does while looking around for any excuse to get away from you.

Well then there’s god knows how long of time that I can’t remember and another memory. I told the guy who’s engagement party it was for that I was going to marry my ex (‘the hulk’). They’re soon to be brother in laws so I wasn’t drunkenly rambling about a random to this guy but I think I got a bit carried away with the whole engagement vibe – I don’t actually want to get married at all. And neither does the ex. I’m so anti-marriage that the only good thing I find at a wedding is hilarious speeches bagging the groom out and free booze.

Looking at the present table at this engagement party made me want to spew because giving people presents for ‘getting engaged’ aka ‘possibly going to get married in the future’ seems unnecessarily ridiculous to me. I’m possibly going to take a shit later but I don’t go around celebrating it and getting presents.

My friend (who got married, and now divorced) had a $400 toaster on her gift register. Get fucked. They’d already lived together for like 3 years and had everything, owned a house and all that. So what did cheeky little anti-marriage RG get her? An oxfam goat for a village in Africa. Suck a dick. You need to open your superficial materialistic little eyes and look at the world. And shove that fancy toaster up your clacker.

Needless to say we’re not friends anymore (not from the goat present) so I still grin at my awesome choice on that one. But yes, this all highlights how stupid I think weddings are. And yet here I was telling this guy I was going to get married. God. Must have been pretty wasted at that point.

At some point after that the mother’s friend (who is normally prim and proper and only has 1-2 wines) is passed out on the grass next to the aviary. Its always good to know your not the drunkest, so another drink!

Well we ended up in the hulks man cave watching the hobbit and while he was passed out (snoring while sitting up), I ask the room a question “what’s better, vaginas or dragons?”. I think there were about 11 people in there, 3 girls and the rest guys. One girl said penis (?) and ALL THE GUYS SAID DRAGONS. Well I said vagina, the other girl said vagina and that was enough for me. I started kissing her. All the boys turned and looked so I called them liars. Seems the thought of girls distracted them from their precious dragons on TV.
image

They pointed out that they loved vaginas but:
a) with a pet dragon you’d be able to get as many vaginas as you want and
b) they were high.
Fair enough.

They also said vaginas don’t breathe fire and the Russian girl (who chose penis earlier) said “you dont know that”. Cue the questionable looks and thoughts of ‘oh god, does this russian chic know some awesome party trick?!’

The reasoning for vaginas was simple – they’re awesome. The smell, the wetness, the fact you can put your face in them. Yep, we were sticking to our guns, vaginas are better.

Anyway fuck it, I forgot about anyone else in the room and was quite enjoying myself biting this girl on the neck and such and then the hulk wakes up. We were sitting on the bed next to him so I guess he sensed 2 bisexual girls making out on his bed or something. But here’s the catch, he’s got the hots for her (and it seems that she does for him too). He can’t go for her because she’s a good friend of his brothers (apparently that’s a no-go zone), so what did drunken RG do? Said “hey watch this”, kissed her, then said “you jealous?” Yeah. I’m a bitch. He said no but I’d say he was just covering his own arse. In an ideal world that could have been a threesome but my world isn’t ideal – they all left soon after that and I vomited into a bucket while the hulk watched on. Yeah, I got karma.

And then instead of flying home on sunday, I chose to miss my flight (hungover plane trips are the worst!) and he paid for another flight for me on Monday. Oh, bless. He’s a darl.

And, I’m taking a break from drinking. Just kidding! But I won’t drink for 12 hrs straight again in a hurry. I was even drinking passion pop at one point.. Yeah the cheapest nastiest wine that 15 yr old girls drink. In fact it was the first alcohol I had – I was 13 and I fell down a flight of stairs. Classy since way back.

Anyway! I can’t even remember what the point of this post was anymore. That being an awkward drunken maniac is fun? I dunno, whatevs. Brain = good. Brb, gotta grow back some more brain cells.

Rambling Goat


5 Comments

The Fetish Hunt

Ok gang, i’m on the hunt for a fetish. Or as some people would say, a ‘preference’. :D

It seems everyone has one and although I have a few kinks, I’m not entirely convinced they are a full blown ‘fetish’. So I’ve made a list of various fetishes to road test to see if I like, and either ticking or crossing them off (in my mind – I don’t need to get that personal on here do I?!).

At the bottom is some links to websites containing more fetish options if you’re keen to make your own list (c’mon, have some fun!).

Oh and my rule is that I won’t try any of these on my own (eg. watching fetish porn), someone must be with me when I trial it for it to count as a proper ‘road test’.

So without further ado, here’s the list of fetishes I’m happy to try out (in alphabetical order, directly copied from said websites):

*Abasiophilia – People with impaired mobility.
*Acrotomophilia – The person is sexually aroused by the sight of an amputation usually of a whole arm or leg.
*Actirasty – Arousal to the sun’s rays.
*Asphyxiophilia – This is sexual arousal caused by loss of control over your ability to breathe. Self strangulation or allowing another person to asphyxiate you.
*Autagonistophilia – Unlike exhibitionism where the person intentionally exposes their genitals to an unsuspecting stranger, in this paraphilia the person creates situations in which other people could see them in the nude if the person wanted to. For example, it would be like leaving your curtains open and walking around the house naked in hopes that someone would peep in the windows. It is the thought that someone may be watching that is sexually arousing.
*Autoplushophilia – The image of one’s self in the form of a plush or anthropomorphized animal.
*BDSM – A variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics. Stands for Bondage/Discipline/Dominant/Submissive/Sadism/Masochism.
*Dendrophilia (or less often arborphilia or dendrophily) – literally means “love of trees”. The term may sometimes refer to a paraphilia in which people are sexually attracted to or sexually aroused by trees. This may involve sexual contact or veneration as phallic symbols or both.

image

Well i wont be mounting a stump but I'm prepared to hug a tree and see if I get horny..


*Forniphilia – Turning a human being into a piece of furniture.
*Gerontophilia – The person is only sexually aroused by a significantly older person. There has to be at least a 15 year difference between their ages.
*Heterophilia – Attraction to, fetishization, or sexualized idealization of heterosexuality and/or people who are “straight-acting,” especially by non-heterosexual people.
*Homeovestism – Wearing clothing emblematic of one’s own sex.
*Liquidophilia – Immersing genitals in liquids.
image

Sooo... Im basically dunking my giney into a cup. While someone watches.


*Mixophilia – The person likes to watch their partner or themselves engage in sexual activity. Usually this means watching themselves in a mirror.
*Mysophilia – The person is sexually aroused by dirt, mud, or filth.
image

Good excuse to mud wrestle a hot girl mmmmm yep!


*Narratophilia – Telling dirty stories is sexually arousing.
*Nasolingus – Arousal to sucking on a person’s nose.
*Navel fetishism – Sexual attraction to navels – either their own or someone else’s.
*Oculophilia – A fetish of being aroused by eyes and activities directly relating to and/or involving the eyes. Seeing _______(any item) and then being aroused sexually would not meet classification for this term.
image
*Olfactophilia – The person is sexually aroused by body smells. Usually inserting finger anus, vagina, etc. and smelling it during sex.
*Pictohilia – Watching X-rated films is sexually arousing.
*Plushophilia – Sexual attraction to stuffed toy animals (Plushies).
*Pteronphilia – Arousal to being tickled by feathers.
*Pygophilia – Arousal to buttocks.
*Sexual fetishism – Nonliving objects.
*Somnophilia – The person can only maintain sexual arousal while having sex with someone who is sleeping. If the person wakes up they lose interest.
*Sophophilia – Sexual arousal from learning.
image

Ummm just need to find someone to teach me :D


*Sploshing and Sitophilia – Sitophiles are turned on by food, but this can be through consumption, direct sexual contact with the food or simply by rolling around in it. Sploshers love being wet and messy and while the most common substances involved in the fetish tend to be edible, some sploshers like mud, oil and paint in place of pies, pudding and syrup.
*Sthenolagnia – Muscles and displays of strength.
*Stigmatophilia -Body piercings and tattoos.
*Telephonicophilia – Talking dirty on the phone or being talked to lewdly.
*Toucherism – Touching an unsuspecting, non-consenting person with the hand.
*Toxophilia – Arousal from archery.
image

Hey, down in front! Jeeeez.


*Transvestic fetishism – Wearing clothes associated with the opposite sex; also known as transvestism.
*Trichophilia – Hair.
image

Well considering I need to vomit, this isn't looking good. I'm just going to use this as an excuse to smell a girl's HEAD hair (mmmm rasberries!) and play with a mans chest hair.


*Troilism/Cuckoldism – watching one’s partner have sex with someone else, possibly without the third party’s knowledge.
*Voyeurism – Watching others while naked or having sex, generally without their knowledge; also known as scopophilia or scoptophilia.

Obviously there’s many more (I once found a list of 450!) but this is a good start. Hopefully it’ll push you to try out more things and find your fetish too!

http://www.oddee.com/item_97268.ashtm

http://www.thefetishlist.com/definitions.htm

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_paraphilias

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/23/sexual-fetish_n_4144418.html

http://www.oddee.com/item_96718.aspx

Rambling Goat

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 123 other followers