After cracking up from NU’s last post in front of my mum (and having to walk away to avoid explaining what was so funny..), I thought I’d carry it on and tell my tales too.
So, you know the sex is bad when:
1. Her vagina smells like mothballs. That orgy NU spoke of, well her shoving my head into some random ‘lettuce’ was a welcome surprise because the girl I was originally playing with deadset smelt like mothballs. I thought it was odd and wondered how long it’d been since she’d worn and washed that pair of underwear last, but it was a girl I was kind of seeing at the time so of course I played it cool.. I got the guy who’s b’day it was (there were 4 girls and 1 birthday boy in this orgy) to take over. Like a birthday gift! That was from the back of your grandmas closet hahahaha.
For the record the ‘lettuce’ was glorious, she moaned really softly and sexy and I was kicking myself for not spending longer with her but I didn’t want mothballs getting funny with me.. Which leads on to;
2. Her orgasm sounds like its from a bad porno. Ok no hard feelings, this girl I was seeing was great and I really truly liked her but she just screamed ‘yes’ over and over in a sex phone operator voice. Its amazing what alcohol and a real liking for someone will do. I was so love-blind (and blind drunk) that I even told her it was the ‘hottest orgasm’ when in fact it was a little strange and probably fake. Maybe she chucked a fakey because she didn’t want birthday boy in her mothball zone any more, who knows. I was too drunk, weirded out by the mothballs and enjoying being smothered by titties to care much really.
And no, I never noticed the screaming yes’s or mothballs again, it was a random night to say the least!
3. You fall asleep mid-sex. Oh gosh, I’ve done this twice now. Both times were in the middle of the night and it was just a poke-poke-spooge type of sex. There was no foreplay or attention given to me. I was a hole to ram and the hole happened to fall asleep. He didn’t stop by the way, and I know this because I woke up again and he was still going. Must have been a microsleep because all my poke-poke-spooge experiences have been very quick. So quick in fact that even by the time I feel like sending a hand south, he’s grunted and rolled over. Well one bonus of this awful sex is now you can go back to sleep again! Oh and one of the times I said mid-sex “I’m probably going to fall asleep, I’m tired” and his response was “I’m cool with that.” Hahahaha
4. You both decide to give up and just lay there. Let me set the scene. I caught up with an ex years after we broke up. He had tattoos and would wear a black cap to clubs so even years later I thought he was a sexy punk bad boy. He was being funny and flirting a lot, this may have even been the night he gave me ketamine to snort on the end of a key in the middle of the smoking area at a club. Go on, judge me, I haven’t been the classiest girl in my time. Side note: I sat down, couldn’t get up again and felt like I weighed as much as an elephant. I never took it again – why pay to sit there and not want to move?! I can do that out of laziness for free!
So anyway after a fwb took some, freaked out and went home, I went home with the ex. We started fooling around, getting rough and passionate then giggling (I’ll blame alcohol and the fact that sleeping with an ex feels naughty), then… Nothing. The momentum had died and it just felt forced. We just layed on our backs, stared at the ceiling and agreed that this wasn’t working.
5. You’re masturbating in the bed next to your sleeping partner. Its late at night, you’re horny, you can’t be bothered turning it into a big deal, you’re worried about getting the aforementioned middle of the night poke-poke-spooge which won’t actually solve your problem of needing to orgasm, so you go right ahead and play with yourself. You try not to make noises or move the bed at all, you just want to quickly and efficiently fix yourself up. I’ve done this 2-3 times in the past but I must say that with kinkier playtimes now, the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind :D
6. The only reason you’re having sex is to get the comfy bed. Ummm yep. One time a group of us were at the ex’s new gfs house (the ex from earlier in this post). We’d been drinking absinthe cocktails and drinking every time the word ‘scotty’ was mentioned in the movie Eurotrip. If you haven’t seen it, Scotty is the main character and there’s a song in the movie about him which as it turns out, says the word Scotty a lot. Needless to say, NU passed out on sitting on the toilet (fully clothed, I think she was just using it as a seat? Don’t ask questions, she’s a random hilarious drunk, you just gotta roll with it hahaha) so I dragged her to the mattress on the floor.
The only other bed was a futon next to her. But the ex’s best friend was sitting on it. He asked the ex where we could sleep and he said futon. So it was there or the floor with no mattress. Well I chose the futon, felt a boner rubbing against my butt and hey, totes had sex so he would stop bugging me and just let me sleep on the futon. One of the many times I’ve had sex next to a passed out or pretending to be passed out NU. No shame LOL
The other time wasn’t sex, it was actually worse. I was staying at a friends house and the options were couch (I think it was leather? Or something uncomfortable looking) or the flatmate had offered to share his bed. We’d been friends years back and he was pretty dorky so I thought there was no problem. But flirty RG and a now not-dorky friend resulting in him trying to advance on me, me telling him I can’t do anything I have a bf (it was a monogamous relationship) and then him standing on the bed, looking at me laying there and wanking. Really awkward situation, I wasn’t going to do anything to look sexy so I just layed there thinking “what the shit!”. Oh well he sorted himself out and I was able to sleep in his comfy bed. The next morning I got yelled at by my now ex-friend (her choice) for ‘having sex’ with her flatmate. I actually laughed.
Footnote: this is the same guy that NU fake cried to get away from hahahaha
How do YOU know when sex is bad?