Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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You know the sex is bad when.. #2

After cracking up from NU’s last post in front of my mum (and having to walk away to avoid explaining what was so funny..), I thought I’d carry it on and tell my tales too.

So, you know the sex is bad when:

1. Her vagina smells like mothballs. That orgy NU spoke of, well her shoving my head into some random ‘lettuce’ was a welcome surprise because the girl I was originally playing with deadset smelt like mothballs. I thought it was odd and wondered how long it’d been since she’d worn and washed that pair of underwear last, but it was a girl I was kind of seeing at the time so of course I played it cool.. I got the guy who’s b’day it was (there were 4 girls and 1 birthday boy in this orgy) to take over. Like a birthday gift! That was from the back of your grandmas closet hahahaha.
For the record the ‘lettuce’ was glorious, she moaned really softly and sexy and I was kicking myself for not spending longer with her but I didn’t want mothballs getting funny with me.. Which leads on to;

2. Her orgasm sounds like its from a bad porno. Ok no hard feelings, this girl I was seeing was great and I really truly liked her but she just screamed ‘yes’ over and over in a sex phone operator voice. Its amazing what alcohol and a real liking for someone will do. I was so love-blind (and blind drunk) that I even told her it was the ‘hottest orgasm’ when in fact it was a little strange and probably fake. Maybe she chucked a fakey because she didn’t want birthday boy in her mothball zone any more, who knows. I was too drunk, weirded out by the mothballs and enjoying being smothered by titties to care much really.
And no, I never noticed the screaming yes’s or mothballs again, it was a random night to say the least!

3. You fall asleep mid-sex. Oh gosh, I’ve done this twice now. Both times were in the middle of the night and it was just a poke-poke-spooge type of sex. There was no foreplay or attention given to me. I was a hole to ram and the hole happened to fall asleep. He didn’t stop by the way, and I know this because I woke up again and he was still going. Must have been a microsleep because all my poke-poke-spooge experiences have been very quick. So quick in fact that even by the time I feel like sending a hand south, he’s grunted and rolled over. Well one bonus of this awful sex is now you can go back to sleep again! Oh and one of the times I said mid-sex “I’m probably going to fall asleep, I’m tired” and his response was “I’m cool with that.” Hahahaha

4. You both decide to give up and just lay there. Let me set the scene. I caught up with an ex years after we broke up. He had tattoos and would wear a black cap to clubs so even years later I thought he was a sexy punk bad boy. He was being funny and flirting a lot, this may have even been the night he gave me ketamine to snort on the end of a key in the middle of the smoking area at a club. Go on, judge me, I haven’t been the classiest girl in my time. Side note: I sat down, couldn’t get up again and felt like I weighed as much as an elephant. I never took it again – why pay to sit there and not want to move?! I can do that out of laziness for free!
So anyway after a fwb took some, freaked out and went home, I went home with the ex. We started fooling around, getting rough and passionate then giggling (I’ll blame alcohol and the fact that sleeping with an ex feels naughty), then… Nothing. The momentum had died and it just felt forced. We just layed on our backs, stared at the ceiling and agreed that this wasn’t working.

5. You’re masturbating in the bed next to your sleeping partner. Its late at night, you’re horny, you can’t be bothered turning it into a big deal, you’re worried about getting the aforementioned middle of the night poke-poke-spooge which won’t actually solve your problem of needing to orgasm, so you go right ahead and play with yourself. You try not to make noises or move the bed at all, you just want to quickly and efficiently fix yourself up. I’ve done this 2-3 times in the past but I must say that with kinkier playtimes now, the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind :D

6. The only reason you’re having sex is to get the comfy bed. Ummm yep. One time a group of us were at the ex’s new gfs house (the ex from earlier in this post). We’d been drinking absinthe cocktails and drinking every time the word ‘scotty’ was mentioned in the movie Eurotrip. If you haven’t seen it, Scotty is the main character and there’s a song in the movie about him which as it turns out, says the word Scotty a lot. Needless to say, NU passed out on sitting on the toilet (fully clothed, I think she was just using it as a seat? Don’t ask questions, she’s a random hilarious drunk, you just gotta roll with it hahaha) so I dragged her to the mattress on the floor.
The only other bed was a futon next to her. But the ex’s best friend was sitting on it. He asked the ex where we could sleep and he said futon. So it was there or the floor with no mattress. Well I chose the futon, felt a boner rubbing against my butt and hey, totes had sex so he would stop bugging me and just let me sleep on the futon. One of the many times I’ve had sex next to a passed out or pretending to be passed out NU. No shame LOL
The other time wasn’t sex, it was actually worse. I was staying at a friends house and the options were couch (I think it was leather? Or something uncomfortable looking) or the flatmate had offered to share his bed. We’d been friends years back and he was pretty dorky so I thought there was no problem. But flirty RG and a now not-dorky friend resulting in him trying to advance on me, me telling him I can’t do anything I have a bf (it was a monogamous relationship) and then him standing on the bed, looking at me laying there and wanking. Really awkward situation, I wasn’t going to do anything to look sexy so I just layed there thinking “what the shit!”. Oh well he sorted himself out and I was able to sleep in his comfy bed. The next morning I got yelled at by my now ex-friend (her choice) for ‘having sex’ with her flatmate. I actually laughed.

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Footnote: this is the same guy that NU fake cried to get away from hahahaha

How do YOU know when sex is bad?

Rambling Goat


20 Comments

You know the sex is bad when…

Sometimes sex just isn’t’ as glamorous or as easy as the movies make it out to be.  Especially when you are a naturally awkward person like me who can trip over on flat surfaces,  it can get you into some hilariously awkward situations.

In light of this,  I thought I would share some of the sexcapades I have embarked on that I’m not completely proud of (or sure it even happened…)

You know the sex is bad when…..

  • You pretend to cry to get out of it
    One night a younger, drunk and naive version of myself got face raped by an acquaintance-friend of a friend in a club and lured out to his car for “a lift home”.  I wasn’t even attracted to this guy,  but young NU was impressionable when it came to this kinda stuff and didn’t really know how to say no.
    Nek minnit,  he’s fumbling like a blind koala with no thumbs,  deep throating me with his tongue and getting me naked.  Without any foreplay,  he tried to stick his frankfurt in my dry fur burger – uh duh,  no play means no way my friend!
    So,  the only way I thought I could get out of this terrible situation was to start crying and tell him I’m sorry but I’m still in love with my ex (totally wasn’t).  Thank fuck that worked and he drove me home.
  • You suck so bad you get a friend to finish the job
    One night Rambling Goat and I went to some random house party (random cos I didn’t know them),  turning up a bit later and catching up on alcoholic beverages.  We were also sharing a bottle of honey vodka,  which seemed like a legit idea at the time.
    Some how this party turned into a lesbian orgy with whipped cream and naked ham wallets everywhere. I’m not naturally bi,  but I’m pretty easy going,  have made out with chicks before and drunkenly thought “yeah! Let’s do this!”  RG is next to me going down on a chick,  I’m randomly making out with a chick who I can’t even tell what she looks like I’m that off my face – nek minnit I’m having a meal out of her wet lettuce.  But HOLY CRAP I’m fucking drunk and realise I have no freakin idea what to do to cook some meat curtains!
    So I grab RG’s head and shove it in my girl’s lady locker telling her to help me out here (yep,  I’m all class when I’m drinking!)  Then a guy comes in and I tell him to finish her,  which he obliges to while we stand awkwardly at the window smoking fags.
    This was then followed by me *apparently* naked vomiting into a bath and passing out (I say apparently because if I can’t see it it’s not there and I don’t remember so it makes in pure conjecture!).
    That was my first (and probably last because I’m so hilariously scarred) lesbian encounter (and encounter with honey vodka,  you evil poison you).
  • It’s so small you don’t even know if you did it
    I had a friend once where we constantly flirted and joked about doing the deed.  Pretty sure now he actually liked me,  but I was completely oblivious to it.  Anyway.  After a handful of ages of joking about it,  one day we decided to actually do it because…. you know, whatever?
    He was slightly bigger,  we were in the backseat of his car,  I straddled him,  but I guess the position we were in and the size of his peen I don’t even know if it went in….or if we even finished…..it was so fucking awkward.  I didn’t want to do the “is it in yet?” thing because that would be devastating,  but I just didn’t know what to do.
    Now,  I don’t have a problem with peeny size and I think it was just the position,  but after this awkward encounter we didn’t really try again.

And there you have it,  a small snapshot of some of the awkward sexual encounters I have had.

It’s not always sunshines and orgasms my friends,  but at least you can lol about it later.

Nonsense Unicorn


13 Comments

Bad Girl Blogger

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I didn’t think I was a bad girl.. But I took a look at myself – I’ve got fetlife open, am wearing no underwear and earlier I sent sharn a pic of my tits. And that’s just *now*, let alone the rest of the day. On the outside I look innocent as pie but on the inside, I admit, there is a naughty little elf running the show.

So a big thankyou to j for nominating me. I will say that I’ve grown so much since coming on here, and exploring more kinks, lifestyles and types of people has been a massive bonus.
Little known fact about jblondie everyone – she was one of our first followers :) we go WAY back! (to Feb.. Hehe!)

So I have to choose 3-5?!?! Fuck that. I’m doing 10. Its an award to girls who are embracing their sexuality and doing so with no shame so the more the merrier! Yes, a lot of these girls may have already been nominated but it won’t stop me professing my sexy love to them.

In no real order, may I present the lovely, sexy and downright devious 10:
Nonsense Unicorn: my bum chum, other half, bestie and fellow rainbow maker. She’s not only getting this award for being all those things, but also because the other day she sent me a photo of her wearing a face-mounted sex toy. If we bug her enough, she’ll do a nonsense review on it ;) She’s another shameless innocent looking deviant, I’ll blame the fact that we went to a catholic school for our apparent debauchery :P

Sexaholics Anonymous: DV has had so many awkward sex encounters that after first offering to buy her a pity drink, I think we’re now sitting at 2 bottles of tequila. In Vegas. See you next year sunshine! <3

Spankalicious: Sharn, my lovable kinky mentor. She’s full off stories and I plan on getting then all out of her, while also in Vegas and strung up with rope like a piñata. There will be sooo much giggling! Xo

Deliciously Inappropriate: two words – good lord. If you’re into being dominated by men, being tied up or random alien sex, then there’s some serious erotica to flick the bean or stroke your wood to. I looove her dirty mind!

Illustrated Erotic Sex Positions: Instant boner. Every time. And I’m a girl. So many handy tips and dayaaammmm the gifs! Go. There. Now.

Kiwi Fruit: This kiwi firecracker is a mischevious little minx! She has an open relationship, loves spankings, gang bangs and watching her hubby bone her friend during a threesome. She lives the good life!

Evie the Rabbit: another bi poly gal to tickle your whiskers! If Evie is a rabbit and we go down the ‘rabbit hole’, then is that erotic? I’ll go with yes. Go and perve on her boobies (spoiler alert: pegs are involved!) and read her stories of spankings, girls and kink.

The Woman Invisible: i’m addicted. There’s sexting, sexcapades, dating, affairs. Read some of M’s posts and you’ll just want to sit down and have a wine and laugh with her.

Ann St Vincent: she’s probably sick of getting these, she’s a popular gal! But when you get to know her you’ll understand why – she’s supportive, gives us a good shake when we need a reality check and the rest of the time she’s sharing her shameless interactions for our entertainment. She’s given me the dp

Co-ed Topless Pulp Fiction Society: this group is amazing. They hang out topless, read, do fun activities (acrobatic yoga anyone?) and don’t give a damn. All colours and sizes welcome, go check them out. If you live in NY, go get yer knockers out with them!

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RULES: If you are a recipient, please choose 3-5 female bloggers who write about sex (or post sexy pics of them selves, or both) that you admire and award them by passing on the award photo above and the rules.  Also, give a brief explanations of why you love those bloggers so much.  Be sure to notify your favorite bloggers that they got the award! 


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Nonsense Review: Devondale Margarine

I don’t normally eat butter/margarine. There’s only 2 things I use it for:
*On bread with Vegemite – yep classic Aussie.
*Cooking mushrooms in it (with thyme) – honestly, soooo good with eggs for breakfast.

So here we go, get a new butter, open it up and this is presented before me:

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Ok raise your hand if you chuckled. Surely I’m not the only one who sees this..
My butter looks vaguely like a motherfuckin vagina.

Thankyou to whichever staff member squirted that in because not only are you creating works of art here, but you’ve also made my day.

Once the giggling stopped and the photos were taken, I got my knife and… Uhhh.. Very carefully grazed off some butter from the edge. Now that I had personified my butter to a lovely lady, I didn’t want to slice her and dice her. It was an awkward moment.

So if you want butter that tastes like all the other butters out there, costs the same as all the other butters out there, but makes you grin upon opening, then this is the product for you!

Rambling Goat


4 Comments

I don’t do first dates

Was just laughing about this with NU so thought I’d share it :)

I’ve only had one ‘first date’ that I can remember. It seems I normally meet people through friends, in an environment where others are present, then go staight to the hanging out at their house and having sex part. By the time we actually go to dinner, I already know the person quite well so it doesn’t feel like a proper first date.

This could be due to the people I’m attracted to (junkies if you recall), although with some interest going towards older men now, this could change!

Anyway my first date was a blind date. A mutual friend matched us up with the classic “you two would be so cute together!”. I was apprehensive, and within good reason. I was living with a drug dealer (in his early 20s), she was a friend of his (under 18) and this guy was a friend of hers. No its cool, I’m sure this guy is a catch! Not that I could talk. For the record this was like 9 years ago and I like to think I’m a nice catch now :)

I can’t even remember the guys name which says a lot. I don’t remember much which also says a lot. But basically I waited out the front, the guy picked me up and we just drove around in his car. There was a few moments where he said “so what do you want to do?” and I responded with “I dunno, what do you want to do?” Classic teens hahahah. Well apparently he couldn’t think of anything (and I was trying to be ‘cool’ with doing whatever he wanted to do) because he then went to his friends house, parked and his friend came out the front and stood there chatting to us. The friend lived with his parents so didn’t let us in. Yep, good on you mate, that’s actually good in this instance.

The guy eventually asked how we knew each other to which we replied this was our first time meeting. The response “oh first date, cute!” Not really, we’re spending it standing outside your house..

But I was totally friendly, chatty and laughing the whole time anyway. Yeah it was a shit excuse for entertainment but I like meeting new people so I was making the best of a bad situation.

After leaving the friends curb, we continued on driving around for a while. No, he wasn’t one of those types that has a hotted up car and likes to drive it through town to get attention. Its was a rundown piece of junk. No judgements, all my cars have had ‘character’ but I mention it for the fact that this was not the reason he was driving me around. He simply hadn’t planned anything and had no ideas for things to do. He didn’t even park so we could sit and chat. I chatted to the side of his face all night. Was he socially inept?!

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At least I would have eaten with this guy!

There was no attempt to grope me, kiss me, ask me to give him a bj while he was driving, although he seemed the type (did I really want to anyway?!?! Nope.). We just chatted. He seemed pretty deep in thought but that’s hard to tell when someone isn’t facing you and is busy driving.

After a while he said “it’s getting late” and the guy just dropped me off back to my place again. We never spoke again. I thought he was a bore (I might have thought differently if we had a proper chance to talk!) and not worth the effort and for his own reasons, he didn’t like me either. Terrible match.

I can’t even be bothered analysing it, it was ridiculous. 9 years later, I’m now the type of person that offers suggestions for things to do and is far more into organising a fun night than ‘going with the flow’ with a guy who thinks driving around in his car is a sufficient first date.

As usual though, another random awkward adventure to add to the list. And I think I’m scarred because I’ve never been on a blind date or ‘first date’ since hahaha!

So to turn it into a rainbow – awful dates are hilarious. It might suck at the time but you can tell your friends later, laugh and if you’re anything like me, it’s years later I’m still laughing at the wtf of this ‘date’. Don’t expect perfection and see the amusing side to it all! Oh and don’t blame yourself for your date not liking you – I’m sure he found a lovely girl eventually that either liked driving around, was into planning the date for him or had something I didn’t, we’re all different!

And if you’re anything like me and skip the dates and go straight to their house to hang out and have sexy times then who cares? Society rules are stupid. I do what I want, not what other people want. Like NU said in the last post – starting a relationship from sex is totally possible. The problem lies with those that judge you for it and that’s their own problem, not ours ;)

Rambling Goat


9 Comments

Good relationships start with sex

Most of my relationships have started with sex.  What was meant to be a one night stand always turned into two nights, three nights,  and then a legit relationship.

I think I’m a pretty straight forward kinda person,  I’ve never been one to play games when it comes to dating (and that’s probably because I’ve never actually “dated” before).  There’s all these rules that people put on dating – don’t wear this,  don’t say that,  wait three dates before you make a meat sandwich together, and to be frank I think it’s all a crock of crap.

When it comes to men (and women) and dating,  people should be free to just be themselves and do whatever feels right for them at the time.  If following these lame dating rules makes you feel good and yourself,  then sure go ahead and follow them.  But you shouldn’t do it because it’s expected of you or what you’re told to do.

So,  as I’m living proof that good relationships can come out of unconventional beginnings,  here is my dating advice!

Wear whatever you damn want

Two relationships I’ve had stemmed from costume parties.  One I was painted up like a dalmatian and spent the night running round like an idiot.  Nek minnit I’m boning some guy in a bedroom and BOOM weeks later we’re legit.  The other one I was dressed as Frank N Furter (okay maybe the corset did the trick),  and that too turned into something more.

I don’t wear heels cos they hurt my feet and I don’t give a shit about having to “look hot” or impress people at the peril of my own comfort.  Stuff that.  When I was younger I used to,  but I got over that quick smart.  When I met the boy,  I came straight from work wearing thongs and a simple dress and then BOOM we’re churning butter.

Wear what you would normally wear.  Why go all out to try and be different – so you can bag a man and then be all “BOOM, SUCKER!  Tricked you,  I actually live in trackies all day.”  If you’re comfortable,  that exudes through your essence and in turn is attractive.

If a guy is going to judge you,  then maybe he’s not the right guy for you!  Unless you wanna be with some superficial jerk…

Be your retarded self

If you’re too scared to be yourself with someone when you meet,  what do you think will happen if it does go further?

Don’t play games,  be silly,  be funny,  and if they’re the right person they’ll love it!  If they think you’re a weirdo then punch em in the spleen and move on.

If sex feels right,  then do it

If you’re horny and both consensually wanna roast the broomstick,  then do it.  Why deprive yourself of what you want because of some rules people wanna place on you?

You shouldn’t do it for any other reason other than you really want to,  and that’s okay.

If he’s gonna judge you for it,  then he can fuck off because there are guys out there that will find your confidence in taking life (and his peen) by the horns!

Boom!

Be strong and tell them what they want

“I don’t want to scare him away”

“Does he like me?”

“Did I do this wrong?”

“Maybe I should wait…”

Why are so many of us putting so much of our self worth into waiting for a guy to declare their want for us?  I learnt this lesson the hard way,  which you can read here if you could be bothered.  I read a lot of blogs on here about relationships and love and blah,  and this is a reoccurring pattern that annoys me.

Be empowered and tell them what you want.  Because YOU. ARE. WORTH. IT.

I bagged the Boy after our one night stand and a month of fucking around by having balls and telling him what I wanted.  Yep,  it was freakin scary and I knew it could go either way,  but after 3 years of pain because I was waiting for a fucking man to tell me I’m worth love and worth wanting,  I wasn’t prepared to be that pathetic again.

The boy had been going through hard times,  he was on the bed and cried that he didn’t know if he was ready for a relationship.

My response:  that’s totally cool if you don’t want a relationship,  but if that’s the case then we can continue to be friends but that means no more sleepovers because I don’t want that.

I think he was a tad shocked that OMG a woman actually said what she wanted,  he told me that we values me and cares for me too much that even though he’s scared to love again,  I am worth the risk and he wants me to be his girlfriend.

So if you’re killing yourself wondering about what he wants,  continue to give him concessions and excuses,  use your lady balls and just be honest.

Scared he will run away?  Then let him run,  because you are worth it.  Stop letting flippant men think you are anything else.

I think this is a pretty key part of turning sex into a relationship too – you’ve already offered up your meat sandwich,  if you don’t actually speak up then you could be leaving the guy to think the sex is all you want too.

And that’s all I could be bothered to write.  I hope this helps someone out there!

Nonsense Unicorn


13 Comments

Things I don’t give a shit about but probably should

I’m a naturally apathetic person.  A regular utterance from my lazy lips on a daily basis would be “meh”.

A whole lotta stuff to me is a whole lotta meh.  And so,  there are some things in this life that I just don’t really care about,  where many others seem to take issue.  I don’t know if this makes me inherently lazy or solidly depressed,  but …. meh.

Here you have it:  things I don’t give a shit about but probably should

Getting scratches on my car

Scratches and dints on my car just don’t get my anger girdle going.  Even though I finally drive a car that wasn’t made in the 80s or 90s,  I still can’t give a shit when I notice a ding.  As long as the insides work, meh.

Getting my period

Some girls get all high horsey and shit when the red river flows:

“Oh it’s that time of the month,  I feel like shit, whinge whinge whinge,  periods suck balls”.

“Treat me extra special,  aunt flow has arrived”.

“Get me a rag on a stick,  I’m on my period and that automatically – for some irrational reason – means you need to treat me like a princess!”

I’ve never really found it a big deal,  nor felt the need to ever whinge about it or use it to my advantage.  I just.  Don’t.  Care.  I can’t really even remember my first time I just don’t give a shit that much,  but I’m pretty sure it went something like, “oi mum,  I’m bleedin and shit, pass me one of those pads will ya?” (okay maybe I didn’t really talk like that when I was a teen, but whatevs).

Periods.  Don’t give a shit.

Stop being pussies, ladies.

Folding Clothes

Nope.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.  Buy your clothes strategically so they don’t crinkle,  roll em in a ball and chuck em in the basket.  Done.  The boy has to have his clothes perfectly folded,  but meh I find it such a waste of time and effort.

Unless you have one of those folding mechanisms.  Then maybe I would attempt it for the lols.

This shit exists yo!

Being Nice to People who don’t like me

You don’t like me and I don’t like you.  Why waste energy on these types of mofos?  I guess I should try and be a little more diplomatic when dealing with people I don’t like and not tell them to go slit their throat (thank you School Reunion),  but I just don’t give a shit.

On many occasion in my life I’ve gotten myself into trouble,  or been painted as the bitch,  cos I won’t shy away from telling a dick knob where he can shove his head (happens to be where a sun don’t shines),  where other friends will smile and nod and be nice in fear of being rude.  But MEH.

Expiry Dates

If it doesn’t smell,  isn’t slimey,  and hasn’t been sitting there for a ludicrously long time,  I’ll probably eat or drink it.

The boy will throw milk out on the day it says it expires.  But I’ve totally had it two days after cos it’s still been FINE.

Pretty sure medieval plebeians didn’t care so much,  so neither do I. Meh.

Aaaaand I’ll still drink it. Boom.

Clothing Brands and Designer Labels

Pfft I’m not going to spend billions of dollars on a stupid handbag when I can get one that’s just as cool for $50.

Designer labels are just a stupid status label and I just don’t give a shit.

Oh,  you spent $2000 on a Prada bag?  Yeah,  well I’m taking that money and going to JAPAN INSTEAD YOU SUPERFICIAL PERSON YOU.

Meh.  Imma sit her in my $10 pants and be happy.

I don’t WANT to, you smell like moth balls.

And there’s probably alot of things I can add to this,  but I’ve stopped giving a shit about this and wanna watch a movie now so ……. something something five dollars? Get outta here!

Coming up soon when I feel like it but probably won’t:  Things I give too much of a shit about

Nonsense Unicorn

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