Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


11 Comments

Online Dating Freak-outs

There’s nothing like a dating profile to make you question everything about yourself.. But *am* I funny? Or do I just think I’m funny and everyone else is all ‘WTF!!’? Better not put funny. Uhhhh. If I put kinky, will it attract extremists? I don’t want to be pee’d on.
image

I’m considering putting a profile up on a lesbian/bi dating site because let’s be frank here – men are easier to pick up than women. I can walk down the street with my pussy power switched on and pick up men. I know my skills with men. Women are a different story. I’m out of my depth. They’re sexy and have a vagina. IT’S INTENSE.

I honestly can’t do this dating profile. In no way can I describe myself accurately without sounding like a flailing idiot or up myself. I know me, and I love me, but putting *me* into words is impossible. At least for me. I’m sure the rest of you would just use the word ‘crazy’ for me and be done with it :P

Here is a list of reasons why online dating makes me nervous:
*Strange people
*Murderers
*Catfish
*Stalkers
*Recognising someone
*People not taking no for an answer
*People saying no without getting to know me
*Getting awkward photos (eg. dick photos)

Not only that but I’ve now started dating ‘the hulk‘ again. He’s getting used to open relationship so we’re x amount of steps in and it’s pretty complicated to explain to a potential newcomer. As of now I have 100% free reign to date/sex women (hence the lesbian/bi girls dating site). Men is a slower process, but intentional – we don’t want to go too quick and ruin the chance of success. But anyway, even if I could find a nice girl, not many are into polyamory. That and I’m suuuper picky (complete opposite to men!) so my potential numbers are basically 0.

So I’ve given up on it. And am chilling out on FL instead. High 5’s and butt-slaps to you kinky folk out there, you make me grin!

I have to say, when we started this blog (on my bday in Feb no less!) I thought I was open minded. Well I wasn’t entirely it seems. NOW I’m open minded. WordPress blogs have not only taught me a lot, but encouraged/gave ideas for sugaring, cuckolding, fetishes, d/s relationships, bondage/training techniques, swinging and made me realise that the sucket list is soooo tame. You lovely sex bloggers have given me so many cheeky ideas! My present and future sex partners are thanking you, even if it doesn’t always end glamorously. Just loudly, does it ever for me?! Haha! Nope. Update on that one: totes doing anal training now so I’ll be able to give myself a definitive and painless yes/no decision on anal, yayyy!

So I may not be able to convince myself to actively date online, but I don’t need to. I have you guys for entertainment :) Thanks for sticking with our blog, listening to our nonsense and posting enough awesome things to create a full blown WordPress addiction ;)

Rambling Goat

Ps. No, I haven’t written anything on my FL profile yet. Ha!


10 Comments

The Good, The Ridiculous and The Slothy

I’m sure most of you have already seen the lovely set of photos of girls pulling ridiculous faces that have made the rounds on social media. For those who haven’t, enjoy!
image

Hahaha I love it.
Its proof that you can look nice when you want to but also laugh at yourself too. You can seem a whole lot more appealing if you drop your shame and just let loose once in a while. Orrr it could scare a few people (but who cares!)

Its like aesthetics vs. personality. Or society ideals vs. fun reality.

Anyway, a few months ago I did my version on fb. I got some friends to do their versions, saved them all and I’m going to print and frame them on my wall. They make me grin like an idiot :D

For some reason I was just googling stuff and saw a cute baby sloth pic. So I thought I’d do a ‘cute pose vs silly pose’ for sloths. Why you ask? Umm why not?! Sloths are epic. (JBlondie, sit yourself down, you may wee yourself with excitement!)

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

And… Now you all want a pet sloth. You’re welcome!

Rambling Goat


11 Comments

Stooping to a (delicious) new low

I’m a pretty clumsy person,  particularly when it comes to eating.  I don’t think there is ever a meal where I don’t end up either wearing it or dropping it on the floor.

(On too many sober occasions I have gone to have a drink and missed my mouth – I think my spatial awareness is severely handicapped).

I don’t know if it’s a lack of ability or laziness (I like to eat on the lounge when I get home from work because I’m exhausted,  and eating when on an incline definitely creates a new challenge).

Anyway,  so after work today I decided to be disgusting and get myself a Big Mac meal from Micky D’s.  Now,  the fact I decided to indulge in Mc D’s SOBER is not the new low I shall regail – it is what happened after.

I take it home,  sit back with my legs up on the chaise and set up my burger and fries on my tummy.

(LIKE A FAT FUCKING WALRUS, YEAH YEAH).

I don’t wash myself with a rag on a stick…. yet….

Then,  as I take a bite into the freakin Big Mac,  a glob of sauce drips down and lands straight into my ample cleavage.

I actually couldn’t find any images of food in cleavage – what is wrong with you internet?!

I would think a normal person would immediately wipe the mess away,  I mean c’mon that’s gross right?!

What do I do:  dip my fucking chips in it and eat it.

Saving the environment, or something something?

And that my friends,  is how you stoop to a new low just when you thought you couldn’t get any lazier.

Nonsense Unicorn

oh-really-bitch-o8erg8


4 Comments

Wiping the shit off the floor

Things didn’t go as disastrously as I anticipated on Sunday after shit hit the fan with our ex-roommates.  That’s not to say there were rainbows shining out of my ass – oh no,  all day it felt like my heart was hammering through my ribcage with a rusted pick axe, I was that anxious.  I felt like my soul swung between either extreme rage or extreme tears,  no middle ground.  Suffice to say,  I think I did an okay job at pretending I was okay.

Of course,  I did what any socially anxious person who has been vindicated and burned would do and ignored the stupid bitch all day.  In hindsight,  I wish I could have been strong enough to stand up and talk to her and burn her with my resolve, but alas the pain was (is) still too raw and the only way I could disguise my tears was to give her my back.

The worse that happened all day was a general air of silent awkwardness – I was the pink elephant in the room that everyone was trying to pretend was not there.  Plastic smiles and vapid hellos,  failed secret death stares from the Boy’s youngest sibling who “I have apparently (due to the bitchfaces lies)” hurt.  Which,  to be honest,  I can’t hold against her for doing.  If I thought someone called me a c$%^ I would probably do the same,  so it’s not her fault that she would feel a certain sense of animosity towards me.

Unfortunately,  due to my integrity I will not stoop to Bitchface’s level and play tit for tat with the facts.  I will sit back and hope that time will heal the damage her viperous tongue has caused without stooping to her level.

So that was that.  When we drove away I felt a certain sense of relief knowing that I survived that.

The boy saw his brother (Bitchface’s boyfriend and also ex-roommate) the next day.  His brother told him that he has absolutely no idea what has happened and that him and bitchface don’t know what went wrong.

You see,  he was in the shower when the altercation happened,  and it’s evident that she has also fed him lies on what has happened.  The boy told him about Bitchface barging into my door and abusing me,  to which he denied as being “out of her character”.  Sadly,  it looks like he is foolishly blinded by her succubus ways.

What?  You cannot be serious that they don’t know what happened?  THEY FUCKING STARTED THE WHOLE THING.  And are actually believing her lies.

She’s either a manipulative immature bitch or a stupid bitch.  Or more likely,  a combination of them both because it is pretty damn obvious who is in the wrong here.

But again,  rather than get angry,  I will let time do it’s thing and heal the pain until I can be strong enough the accept that she will never learn,  you cannot force people to observe their own folly,  and I will never get an apology for what happened.  As hard as it is to not confront her about all she is done – this is my life lesson I will learn in humility.

In the mean time,  I will just revel in fantasies of her being ran over by a train full of rabbid lemurs.

Moral of the Story:  people usually make their own bed and will get their comeuppance in this life.  As tempting as it is to try and expedite the process,  let the universe due the talking and move on with your life!  Assholes will be assholes,  that doesn’t mean you have to become one too.

(ps:  Yeah I totally deleted her off facebook – TAKE THAT!)

Nonsense Unicorn


14 Comments

Well sex just got *that* much more interesting

I just wrote this in a comment and thought I’d write about it here again for you all.

When I was younger, my dad had a book of ‘freaks’ from back in the day of freak shows. From that, it seems that I now find anything odd or abnormal interesting. Well, nothing to do with ears or toes thanks, I have phobias.. I love that everyone is different though, if we weren’t, we’d all be clones!

Although not in the book, I found out there was a man born with two penises, and oddly enough, at the same time there was a woman who had two vaginas. She’d travel and do the freak show circuits and was highly sought after. Well, rumour had it that they hooked up (because honestly, how could you not?!).

http://hypervocal.com/culture/2012/blanche-dumas-juan-baptista-dos-santos-two-penises-vaginas/

Anyway while trying to find the link for that couple, I found out there is a man in America who was born with two penises, still has them and allowed an ‘ask me anything’ on reddit. The deviant in me is coming out…. This guy would be so fun in the bedroom!

But what a legend, instead of hiding it and being ashamed, he’s rocking his two penises and letting the world know. Be proud of things that make you different everyone :)

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1u75hh/i_am_the_guy_with_two_penises_ama

Rambling Goat

wpid-images.png


3 Comments

Shower thought of the day #7

Well I got soap in my eyes (what’s new?) and while struggling to find the shelf to put the soap back on, I started wondering what it would be like to be blind.

If you know anything about me by now, its that I’m all sorts of awkward and clumsy. I can’t remember the last time my shins didn’t have a single bruise. So add blindness onto that and Jesus, I’d be fucked. I’d need a blind persons stick, guide dog and bubble wrap for my shins (and elbows and head..)!

I’ve never met a blind person, although I did used to work with a guy with one eye. I couldn’t remember which one it was but I’d always stare at the same one. Hopefully I was staring at his functioning one because I guess staring at his fake one is considered rude? If a pirate is wearing an eye patch, do you stare at the functioning eye, or the patch?! Might have to google some pics and test that out..

Anyway one eye must be ok to live with because he would drive and everything. I often wondered how that worked because don’t you need two for depth perception? When I first used a bow and arrow, they told me to close one eye and shoot. I hit the ground in front of the target. I’ll blame depth perception for that… Haha! Fun fact about Rambling Goat – I’ve since done archery lessons and can now hit the target. One of my many useless life skills.

I don’t think I’d have a problem with wearing an eye patch, in fact, stuff the black ones, I’d make all kinds of cool patterned fabric ones. Skull and cross bones are sooo 2013. If anyone wants to steal my idea and make eye patches fashionable for the blind, feel free. I’m too lazy to be bothered starting a business. I do however wish to be sent at least 2 different ones (I won’t wear them at the same time though!)

And on a side note to that business idea, you may have to add a Braille label so they know what colour they’re wearing. Heaven forbid they put a red eye patch with a blue dress! :O No but seriously, how do you describe paisley to a blind person?! That’s a tough one.

Well I guess blind people can’t *read* this blog as I didn’t make a Braille version and send it in the post. Or do apps exist that translate pages and speak it in a cool voice? My old navman was John Cleese, it was epic! And just loudly, hearing John Cleese read out my ‘pussy power’ post would be the greatest thing ever. Well, after beer, cheese, orgasms, the smell of rain on bitumen.. Ok fine its pretty far down the list but whatever, it’d be hilarious.

You guys might have some answers to my blind questions (if you do, feel free to answer):

1. Do blind people shave their legs (and other regions)?
2. Do blind men go to barber shops to keep the face hair-free or do they just grow beards?
3. Do blind people still say they’re ‘watching’ TV?
4. Do blind people cook?
5. Do blind people realise when they’ve had a dodgy haircut? My worst was a black Gothic pageboy look that I definitely did NOT ask for.
6. Do blind people care what colour clothes they wear? I don’t wear yellow because it makes me look like an elephant sat on my face (red and blotchy) but if I was blind, I imagine I wouldn’t know that..

image

Ok which one did you look at?? I looked at his eye, not the patch

Rambling Goat


6 Comments

I hate protestors

IMG_3320.JPG

There was some big rally going on in the city the other day. I saw some signs with rhinos and elephants, so assumed it was animal activism going on.

As I was trying to get to the other side of the strip, I got stuck amidst the protestors while waiting to cross the road and overhead a rather hilarious and annoying conversation as a bystander walks up to one of the protestors:

Bystander: so what’s all this fuss about?

Protestor: we are standing up for our rhinos and elephants! And by “our” I mean the worlds!

Bystander: really? So what’s happening with the rhinos and elephants then?

Protestor: uhhh….. *awkward silence *…. I don’t actually know….. We are standing up for them!

IMG_3322-0.JPG

The light then went green and I went on my way feeling amused at this guys evident idiocy and infuriated that he just epitomised everything that is wrong with protests.

Call me a political apathist, but I hate protests. I don’t care what they’re about, I just think there are better ways of making a difference in this world.

Take this jerk as an example – doesn’t even know what he is protesting against, but I’m sure he probably feels so good about himself that He joined the rest of the sheep and by beating his chest and causing a public nuisance has saved a rhino.

If you want to make a difference, go make a donation or yell at some place that will actually make a difference. Yelling in the middle of Pitt street? Yeah, we all know it’s bad to kill rhinos and whatnot, go tell someone who can do something about it!

Not to mention the stupid hipster students who think they’re so out there when they are just following a crowd.

Fucking protestors.

IMG_3321-0.JPG

Moral of the story:
It’s all well and good if you want to make a difference in this world – but yelling at people on the street ain’t gonna cut it. You can look like an idiot doing that and not even fully understanding what you are doing, while I’ll just be over here doing something about it without acting like a pretentious twat.

nonsense unicorn

<a

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 178 other followers